experimenting with sarah palin.

That title sounded dirty... But it did catch your attention.
Comedian Andy Zaltzman said yesterday, in this week's podcast of the Bugle, that listening to Sarah Palin speak was like hearing the sounds of the construction of something going on in your own house. Unfortunately, I whole-heartedly agree with that genius statement. I find myself unable to watch her being interviewed because it has become too painful- in the smacking my head against the table sort of pain. The way that she says, "I dunno" and "I'll get back to ya" in that almost-Canadian accent for every question asked makes me clench my teeth. And the fact that Sarah Palin just doesn't really know what's going on around her does not help the situation (or Mr. McCain's campaign).
So I decided to do a bit of an experiment. I attempted to watch an interview with Sarah Palin on mute, while still having Closed Captioning on. But I soon realised that watching her nearly-foreign slang being typed out for deaf people (and scientists such as myself) still made me run for that extra-strength Excedrin bottle that I keep near me at all times for emergencies such as this. However, I still had hope in my seemingly-bleak efforts to make watching Sarah Palin's interviews possible. I took off Closed Captioning and came up with what I thought the questions and answers could be through the ancient art of lip-reading. She suddenly began to seem much more brilliant and no longer spoke with a ridiculous accent.
Success!

[Lola.]

best friends bail each other out.

You know how all of the major stocks in the country went bankrupt and lost all of our money starting a few weeks ago? If that sentence was news to you, this must be an awkward situation… So, surprise! Chances are, anything you put your investments in no longer has said investments. And that also increases the probability that you have no money left. Congratulations- or, as the Jews say, “Mazel tov!” (We’re going cross-cultural here.) But don’t fear, because the $700 billion bailout plan for the market that everybody was flip-flopping on finally got passed. At first, it all seemed grim, because regardless of Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s attempts to convince the House to pass the bill- including blaming still-President-for-two-more-grueling-months Bush for the economic failures, and telling Wall Street that “the party is over”- it failed. Yesterday, however, the good people in the House of Representatives did something so unprecedented, so unexpected, so… let’s face it, it’s pretty bitchin’- they passed the bill. The House passed something. So it also took a $150 billion tax-cut incentive, but that doesn’t matter. No middle class workers are going to complain about losing more money. They’re saving the American economy, which means, that in some small, yet significant way, they are also saving the world (suck it, Heroes!).
… Hey, wait, I’m middle class. Oh dammit.

[Lola.]

let the polling season begin!

There was a poll taken recently- how surprising!- about which Candidate parents would rather have teach their children. Of course, Mr. Obama was the winner. I would much rather have a teacher full of charisma, hope, and possible terrorism than one who would fall asleep during reading time and tell the class that the fundamentals of their education are strong when nobody gets a passing grade. On the first day of class, Mr. Obama would probably have the children write down what kind of change they believe in to get to know his students better. Mr. McCain… well, he’d be taking a nap. A supporter of Mr. Obama said that he could see him as a better teacher because “Obama has a little more of an open mind, maybe because he's a black man.” … Assuming all black men are more open-minded? However, there are still Mr. McCain supporters, who claim that he would be a great teacher because he “bounced back from his captivity during the Vietnam War.” He has chairs in seven houses now. I didn’t have a chair once at a birthday party, but nobody heard me complaining about it. It’s a chair. Mr. McCain could’ve sat on the floor; he didn’t have to stand the entire five and a half years.
Another poll suggested that people would also rather watch a football game (that’s “football” in the real sense of the word, not the one said with a funny accent) with Mr. Obama. Remember what happened the last time we picked a President we’d like to have a beer with? Polling people need to be a little more careful and maybe have a warning label on the front- “When voting in the real world, make sure you vote for the Candidate you would like to run your country, not one you would play beer pong with.”
Who the hell comes up with these polls anyway? They need to be slapped, and not in a good way.

[Lola.]

she is on a long leash.

Sarah Palin has been campaigning by herself for the last few days, and I hope Mr. McCain knows what he’s getting himself into, letting a woman do things on her own like that. Doing what she does best (making Baked Alaskas?), the lovely lady did a little Obama-bashing, as it’s called by Republicans (yes, I made that up). She said that Mr. Obama will “raise income taxes and raise payroll taxes and raise investment income taxes and raise business taxes and raise the death tax.” Wow, I didn’t even know we had that many taxes and didn’t need to use commas anymore. Everything I learned about grammar in sixth grade has just been flushed down the proverbial toilet because of one sentence… Mrs. Palin claims that she and Mr. McCain would do things differently, because that’s not how you’re supposed to “grow the economy.” (She must know a lot about economy-growing because she can see Russia from her house.) Also, people need to leave her alone about the Bridge to Nowhere issue, because it’s impossible to have a bridge that leads to nowhere. Unless, of course, Nowhere is the name of a town, but that would be silly. Besides, if she doesn’t mention the fact that she wanted a bridge that led to nowhere before turning down the offer, that must mean she didn’t really want it in the first place. If she doesn’t want to talk about it, it’s her little secret. And the media’s. And Alaska’s. … And everyone else who knows about it.
Oh, I like my logic too.

[Lola.]

seven things to watch.

Some dude on Yahoo News said that we need to watch seven things as the Presidential Race kicks off (like a horse race, but not). He mentions the housing market, something about Mr. Obama being in pain- I have a band-aid, Palin is at a peak of some kind, Mr. Biden is cursed (that’s what you get for stealing from King Tut’s tomb), and Mr. McCain’s eruption (…).
I’m bored already. Here are seven things that I believe we should be watching during the next two months:

1. Heroes season three. Villains! If you didn’t think the show could get any better, the fact that it’s all about evil and explosions and stuff will make the bad-assity levels insurmountable.
2. America’s Next Top Model season eleven. Is it season eleven? Or fourteen? It may have even surpassed the amount of Land Before Times. But there’s a tranny in it this season.
3. My hair color. It changes every six weeks, so keep an eye on it.
4. The Presidential candidates’ debates. I hope someone asks what Mr. Obama’s favorite color is. I am dying to know.
5. The housing prices. Only if there’s nothing better on TV.
6. That commercial with Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates walking in the parking lot and Seinfeld is eating a churro. Bill Gates shakes his booty at the end.
7. The prices of girly drinks. If they keep going up in price, I will refuse to turn twenty-one next July thirteenth (I’m telling you so you’ll buy me presents, by the way).

[Lola.]

tut tut, it smells like an invasion!

The Olympics have been over for, what, two weeks? And now there’s something in the news about Russia vs. Georgia (that makes it sound like professional wrestlers). Like the sharing, kind-hearted, eager-to-help nation we are, the government is sending out a great man who will spread hope and support poor Georgia, and now Ukraine, against their conflict with Russia. No, that man is not Barack Obama. Not yet. It is Dick Cheney, who is known for his warmth and… oh, fuck it. Sending Dick Cheney into a war zone is just begging for trouble. Georgia is asking to be shot in the face. With our luck, our still-President Bush and his cohorts will somehow come up with a reason as to why we need to protect and stabilize Georgia and Ukraine’s borders ourselves.
Actually, here are the President's three reasons why we should go in ourselves:
1. Nobody can find countries on a map. Therefore, we can invade anywhere in the world- especially Mexico- and for all the rest of the country knows, we’re in a district in Baghdad.
2. They don’t have Wal-Marts. Actually, I don’t know if they do. But if they don’t have a Wal-Mart over in Georgia, they need one. And even if there is already one, it needs to be bigger. Yeah.
3. Everybody in that Russia-area have the same names. They’re all “Stravinsky” and “Smirnov” and “Ivanov” and stuff. I have no idea how to pronounce them either. Russians and Georgians need normaler names, like “Jones” and “Smith”. Now those are good, patriotic last names.
4. Oh, and, uh, they're still Communist.
Case closed. Good luck to whoever has to get us out of this one in January.

[Lola.]

ooold.

The Democrats are taking a break from the “war room” for the next few days just for the Republican National Convention, and did you know that Mr. McCain’s mother is still alive? And I thought he was old… Sorry, I’m getting off-track. I shouldn’t talk about old people’s ridiculously old mothers when there’s already so much to discuss about the RNC (I’m just kidding, it’s probably as boring and lifeless as Mr. McCain). The Republicans cancelled all of the political speeches that were supposed to go on tomorrow, including our current President (Bush, not Obama. It’s not November yet) and his evil minion who goes by the name ‘Dick Cheney’, and Mr. McCain’s mother is really saggy. The Democrats were also supposed to hold a “More of the Same” protest- are they French?- during Monday’s speeches, but alas, there is no point in protesting at an empty building (unless they are, indeed, French).
I’m sorry, Mrs. McCain, for saying mean things about how old you are. It can’t be helped that you are the mother of someone who is as old as dirt. My condolences.

[Lola.]

ewww.

I walked downstairs this morning with the worst headache imaginable. I realized why my head was about to split when I noticed that someone had left the television on Fox News. Before I scrambled to change the channel, I noticed that Mr. McCain had just announced who he picked for Vice President: a female. Thank god it wasn’t that creep (Mr. Lieberman), but… a woman? Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska is the complete opposite of Mr. McCain: she’s young, relatively good-looking, and only has two years of experience as Governor and a few years as a former mayor. What was he thinking (“What kind of underwear do the kids wear these days?”), choosing a good-looking female with none of the necessary experience that nobody outside of Alaska knows about?
… No, she wouldn’t go for Mr. McCain. … Would she?

[Lola.]

hey, old people!

Mr. McCain is finally going to make a decision, and even announce it! I wonder how many naps he had to take in order to come to a conclusion. On Friday, he’s going to announce who his running mate will be. I doubt he’ll be able to send out text messages, reason being he can barely understand how to write an e-mail (Mr. McCain tries to use a pen), but his supporters probably can’t use cell phones anyway (old people+technology=disaster). The big question is: “Who is it?” We won’t know for a while, and seeing as Mr. McCain said on Wednesday during an interview, “I haven't decided yet so I can't tell you,” he probably still doesn’t even know either. He was obviously trying to be coy, but there is a fine line between being coy and sounding like an ass. I just hope that Mr. McCain doesn’t pick Mr. Lieberman. I think he’s Dick Cheney’s protégé in creep training.

[Lola.]

you thought it couldn't get more awkward...

Sometimes I wonder what’s going on inside politicians’ heads when they make decisions, but thanks to the internet I usually can get something out of the staged interviews. One thing that hasn’t made any sense to me for a long time (since yesterday, really), is what the hell is Mr. Obama thinking? What’s he doing, letting Hillary speak at the Democratic National Convention tonight? I didn’t actually read the article that talks about it, but the point is made very clear in the headline (if the President can get away with only looking at headlines, so can I): Mr. Obama wants Hillary to address the Convention. He thinks that will ease the tension with her supporters who don’t want another penis in the oval office. Tomorrow during a role call to decide the Nomination, her supporters are also allowed to cast her name in for the vote. What? What? If Mr. Obama’s doing this to get Hillary’s army-- supporters, to turn to him… well, they might turn to him with the sort of rage in their eyes that only Hillary supporters are capable of having without burning a house down (if you thought I was going to say “burning cross”, you’re possibly racist). Regardless of why he’s being so chivalrous and letting Hillary receive pity votes, there’s no way this plan could backfire.
Right?

[Lola.]

hello, biden!

Remember when Mr. Obama said that he wanted a running mate who would “challenge his thinking”? (It’s okay, I didn’t know that either.) Well, he’s officially sent out the mass text messages telling us that he’s picked Sen. Joe Biden as his running mate. For those of you who had no idea who this guy was until now, Sen. Biden is really old and known for how often words come out of his mouth… which is all the time. Sen. Biden will gladly challenge Mr. Obama, seeing as not too long ago he stated that he believed Mr. Obama was “not yet ready” to become President. But, you know, we can be adults and push all of it aside now that they’re going to be best friends for a very long time. Sen. Biden is not the most politically correct person I’ve never met, but he could make some money in the comedy business. He once defended his argument that “you cannot go to a 7-Eleven or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent.” Oh, how true. I always have to watch Bollywood films to perfect my fake accent when I go into Dunkin’ Donuts for a delicious iced coffee, otherwise they won’t serve me (I’m even offended by me). Sen. Biden has also been known to “spin flowery praise one moment and biting fulmination the next.”
Oh my god, he’s a woman.

[Lola.]

the voice told me to.

Dear Congressman John Porter,

I received a phone call today while I was watching America’s Next Top Model (it’s for boosting my self-esteem), and an automated message told me to pass on a message to you. Being the little American sheep that I am, I wrote down everything the machine said and decided writing you a letter that I’d never send would be more anonymous (what was I thinking putting it up here?). The automated message told me that we are in an economic recession- that’s news to me- and you need to pay attention to us. Apparently, and I have no idea where the robot got this idea from, our government is borrowing billions of dollars from China to finance our debt (Chine doesn’t even use American dollars--- yet). We also spend trillions of dollars in rebuilding Baghdad instead of Nevada. I personally don’t see the problem, sir, since we’re building new condos and imploding casinos to rebuild them everyday, but I’m just letting you know what the voice told me. So, the point of this whole letter was to inform you to “focus on the economic recession and the needs of Nevada’s working families.” Whatever that means.

Sincerely,
[Lola.]

a riddle.

What has large, hairy feet and has been found dead recently?
The answer: Bigfoot (not a hobbit).
Four guys reported what could potentially be the last sighting ever of Bigfoot, dead in Georgia. For anyone who might be confused, I’m talking about the Georgia that once flew (still flies) the Confederate flag. The men say that it’s the “real deal”, but some doubt still lingers in my mind. I find myself, and many others, asking, “Why Georgia?” It would make more sense to find a big hairy monster closer to the Canadian border than in sweet tea country. We won’t know if Bigfoot really bit the dust until scientists perform the autopsy later in the week, but I am a bit unsure if anyone will really care until the Olympics are over (which reminds me- does anyone have Michael Phelps’ number?). Well, once the Olympics are over, we’ll worry about the war between Russia and Georgia (ex-Russian Georgia), and then the Election, and maybe Bigfoot. Maybe.
Um… my condolences to the family and friends of Bigfoot. I’ll send a fruit basket.

[Lola.]

the slightly chilled war part 2: brrr.

Who’s already forgotten about the war between Russia and Georgia? Don’t worry about it; still-President Bush kind of keeps up with the news- he reads headlines. He recently said, “The world has watched with alarm as Russia invaded a sovereign neighboring state.” The world has been watching, but only while commercials are on every single channel that has the Olympics. I mean, come on, who doesn’t want to see the incredibly buff, fantastically American and sexy-voiced Michael Phelps accept his thirtieth gold medal with a wet towel around his neck (I swear I’m not biased)? The summer Olympics only happen every four years. Russia invades countries practically every day. Our President also mentioned how important it is for America to “ensure that an embattled democracy seeking to stand with us remains sovereign, secure, and undivided”. He is so right. We have to help out our world neighbors in any way possible. But something smells funny…
It kind of smells like… Iraq, Afghanistan, and possibly- before President Bush moves out- Iran. Weird…

[Lola.]

the slightly chilled war.

We may be on the verge of another World War! Oh golly, aren’t you excited? Russia and Georgia (not the Georgia with southern accents) began fighting over land again today, opening multiple battle fronts (the Russian Front is now open for business). The Russian military decided to take back the land that they rightfully already took in the good old days of the Soviet Union- I think we used to call that kind of people “Indian givers”- and worked their way to Ossetia, which has been disputed between the two for… well, I don’t know a thing about Russian history, so we’ll say since forever (dinosaursky vs. Mr. McCainsky). Russians are also taking over Senaki, Gori, Abkhazia, and any other unpronounceable Eastern European names you can think of. One would think that Russia would get sick of stealing the same land over and over, but I suppose that when things go “boom”, someone’s getting a kick out of it (like Iron Man. That movie was bad-ass). The Georgian Prime Minister accused Russia of “ethnic cleansing”, to which Russia, as usual, denies having any kind of military force there (next time they’re going to deny being on the same continent). The best part of it all- which is the greatest thing someone could say during their last few months in office- is that our beloved, still President Bush basically said that he’s on Georgia’s side (again, Sir, we’re talking about the Georgia that belonged to Russia, not the one that drinks sweet tea).

[Lola.]

stop imagining obama in a miniskirt.

Mr. McCain’s campaign recently aired an ad, comparing Mr. Obama to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, calling him a “vapid but widely recognized media concoction.” That’s the weirdest thing the old man has ever come up with. Mr. Obama is nothing like Paris and Britney- he’s black and they are what the media calls little white tramps (and when I say “media”, I mean “The Soup”). Besides, if Mr. Obama really was able to be compared to those girls, he would need to complete the following:
Be blonde, have a relatively low common sense like that of a kindergartener, wear mini skirts with ug boots, shave his head, drive with a baby on his lap, been in jail for twenty minutes, gone to rehab, and date a creepy little fat man.
I don’t think he’s done any of those things, other than shave his head, so perhaps someone (his name starts with a “J” and ends with “ohn McCain) is getting a little desperate for attention. Desperation can lead people to do embarrassing things (like grocery store fiascos that we won’t mention…), such as asking, "He's the biggest celebrity in the world, but is he ready to lead?" As long Mr. Obama doesn’t start wearing mini skirts, I won’t doubt that he’s ready to lead (What Not to Wear said that mini skirts after age 30 are a no-no).

[Lola.]

(By the way, I'm going to be in Australia until August 11th, so if I don't post anything until then, you know why. In case you care.)

the veepstakes are coming!

It’s that time again. You know, that certain time that rolls around every four years (or less, if you’re William Henry Harrison). That time when the Presidential Nominees have to pick running mates for their, as professional journalists say, “veeps”. The media has been going ballistic over who Mr. Obama and Mr. McCain will choose- at least, they kind of care when there’s no story to not cover about Mr. McCain. Will it be Hillary (like a snowball’s chance in Hell)? Or maybe old skool Mr. Romney? Or even someone we’ve never heard of (probably)? This is what I think our Nominees should look for in a “veep”:
1. Pizzazz. Someone who’s got charisma and can do jazz hands is almost certain to entertain a crowd.
2. Good grammar. Making up words doesn’t always make you seem smarter.
3. No bowties. There are only two exceptions to this rule: Chippendale strippers and Orville Redenbacher.
4. Sense of humor. Cracking an occasional joke is great, but make sure they leave out fart jokes when the cameras are rolling, especially if they are the ones adding to greenhouse gas.
5. No creepiness. Basically, just take the complete opposite of Mr. Cheney, and there you go. I think he’s the Boogeyman.
6. Ready to give up so that Ralph Nader can finally win (optional).

[Lola.]

don't make mccain insult you. he's ruthless.

As Barack Obama continues to turn heads, make glorious and Presidential-like speeches, and, apparently, turn on comedians around the world, it feels like we're forgetting about something. Oh, I know. I'll give you a hint: He's old, kind of pruny, boring, a Vietnam veteran, old, the Republican Nominee... old... give up? It's John McCain (I thought you would've gotten it by the second "old"). He feels left out while every single person in the media covers Mr. Obama spreading hope (and handing flowers to cops) across the Middle East and Europe. Mr. McCain made a public statement, saying that the media is Obama-biased (jealous, much?). Mr. McCain tried again this week to steal Mr. Obama's hope thunder by calling his Iraq exit strategy "the audacity of hopelessness" (apparently it's a play on the title of his book, The Audacity of Hope).
Not bad, coming from a man who believes that food-shopping with cameramen and eating lunch at a German restaurant is "campaigning".

[Lola.]

want a bed-time story with that launch code?

Three ballistic missile crew members from the 91st Missile Wing near a North Dakota base fell asleep recently while holding onto the codes for missile launch (my grandpa fell asleep with a beer in his hands once, and he didn’t spill a single drop). But don’t worry, regardless of a recent “series of nuclear-related mishaps”, all is well and nothing was compromised during the boys’ nap. The code devices that the crew members were sleeping with were outdated anyway, and new launch codes had already been installed, so even if Scooby Doo villains had popped up and stolen the old codes, it wouldn’t have done them any good (Iran, you’re still safe. … For now). Officials said that the three boys were in a locked room with the launch code devices, which are basically “large, metal boxes” (how can you sleep with those without hurting your coccyx?). Apparently, the Air Force has rules about sleeping with ballistic missile launch code devices, and they told the Governor of North Dakota that “procedural violations do occur periodically” (I bet that made him feel better), and not to worry because they’ll solve the personnel issues.
Maybe if the Air Force enforces nap time, it won’t happen again.

[Lola.]

let's do some coverage.

Why hasn’t anybody been covering stories on Mr. McCain’s campaign lately? Just because Mr. Obama is out of the country, spreading hope and giving flowers to angry Iraqis with guns (actually, they kind of like him (because of his promise to get our troops the hell out)), it doesn’t mean there’s nothing interesting going on with Gramps. And just because he’s old and boring, that’s no reason to not follow what going on with Mr. McCain (actually, that’s a perfect reason).
Um, well, I’m already bored with this story because it lacks hope and charisma, so I’ll sum it up in one sentence: Mr. McCain is really old, blames Mr. Obama for the rising gas prices, is kind of a hypocrite (but he’s old, so we’ll forgive him), and has been hanging out with Daddy Bush and I hear that he likes crab cakes.
Does this count as McCain campaign coverage?

[Lola.]

the package 2: son of stimulus.

Remember that economic stimulus package that was passed around the country (still President Bush really gets around, har har har)? You know, the one that didn’t really do much for us because it’s the same amount of money we usually get for our birthdays and Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/L. Ron Hubbard Day/whatever else people celebrate? Well, we might be able to “see a sequel” birthday money from the President! He actually doesn’t want to share the wealth (at least, not within this country), but the Democrats, as always, are more than willing to let us in on a little bit of government spending.
Some “experts” (I do not see anyone with a PhD on that list, and I only listen to people who paid enough money to add “Dr.” to their names, like Dr. Phil) say that the $100 billion that was doled out to us didn’t stimulate anything economically (except in whore houses) because instead of spending money, we all just put it in our bank accounts. Hey, I’ll have you know that I spent mine on a Ringo Starr ticket. Many people are also saying that Congress won’t do shit unless we reach an economic crisis that would “scare the members” (make them watch the Ring as “enhanced interrogation”), and that they would have to call it a “tax cut” instead (a $300 tax cut?).
I can understand why the so-called economic “experts” are scared of a sequel to the stimulus package. Sequels aren’t always bad, though, except for Spider Man 2 and 3, Star Wars Episode I-III, Starship Troopers 2, Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj, the Matrix Reloaded, Legally Blonde 2, Ocean’s 12, Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, and I refuse to believe that they made a third Godfather.
But, hey, look on the bright side- … … …

[Lola.]

i don't think i know what's going on. but i dunno. maybe.

As Election time rolls near (November couldn’t come any fucking sooner, could it?), polls are popping up in every corner of the news, like when Starbucks was being built in every shopping area (and in the middle of the desert, swampland, subway, backyard, Albertsons, etc.). Some may say that the polls are wrong, but one thing is for sure: … … … One thing is for sure: … yeah, they’re usually wrong. The latest polls claim that Mr. Obama and Mr. McCain are practically neck-and-neck so far, with Mr. Obama leading by only a few percents. Basically, old white guys are voting for the old white guy, “minorities” (again, the quotations make the word un-racist) and people who can’t order off of the senior menu support the younger, less-white guy. Surprise, surprise, surprise. And then there are the true Americans, who take voting and polling so seriously, and are undecided. That’s what democracy is all about- being indecisive. The last seven and a half years have taught us so much about being apathetic, that a large group of Americans has yet to decide on who they would like to vote for in four months (the one time since childhood that eeny-meeny-miney-mo settles something).
I haven’t really decided if I’m proud of that, but I think I love being an indecisive American. Maybe. I dunno.

[Lola.]

double-awesome!

I absolutely love how the President always does what he says he’s going to do. President Bush told us how hard he would be working for the next six months (it only feels like sixty), and I’m proud to say that he has gotten a few things done. Two things, actually. And a birthday party (I heard things got crazy during the thirteenth round of strip beer pong- Cheney throws bitchin’ parties).
Earlier this week, President Bush signed a bill which keeps the phone companies that have been tapping our phone calls from lawsuits, such as AT&T and Verizon. Without warrants, government officials can listen in on our conversations in order to learn “who the terrorists are talking to, what they're saying and what they're planning" (they know that Revolver is my favourite album and my shoe size is 7). Although Sen. Feingold claims that “the President broke the law”, I have to agree with the President on this one. He can’t break the law, he’s the President. He bends the law. It’s an awkward feeling (especially for schizophrenics), but we’ll get used to it.
The President’s Administration has also rejected regulating greenhouse gases (it’s like a second bitchslap to the Kyoto Treaty, except we’re not in Japan). The Environmental Protection Agency wrote a “588-page federal notice” and didn’t say whether global warming threatens our health or welfare. First of all, getting the President to read a 588-page equivalent to a Never-Ending Story Post-It note is like getting a college student to read Mein Kampf (don’t do it- Nazi books are un-American and unbearably long. I mean, Hitler could’ve summed it up in one sentence- “Jews suck and I’m kind of crazy from all the mustard gas I inhaled.”) And if the conclusion doesn’t appear on the same page as the first sentence, of course they’re going to reject it. Maybe the Administration would have agreed to anything the EPA wanted if they had said, “Greenhouse gases make people go pukey-puke and we can’t let the illegal Mexicans take any more janitorial jobs, so we have to reduce all the greenhouse gas stuff.” Even a third-grader could figure that out.
I’m not very good at math, but I think this means that the President only accomplished one thing…

[Lola.]

oh my god.

Florida is not known for only retired Jews and Disney World anymore. You can now go back 2000 years and walk with the J-man himself in ancient Jerusalem, Monday-Saturday between 10am and 6pm (they take Sundays off for Temple/Church like good little Jews/Catholics (circle whichever applies best)). At the Holy Land Experience, you can learn about Jesus’ “ministry, His life, death, and resurrection” through “original musical productions.” You don’t have to visit Israel anymore! It’s way cheaper to visit a theme park than buying airfare and having to sit on a plane for hours (plus, theme park bathrooms are bigger than on an airplane), and they have a singing Jesus! They even have special events, such as open Bible Study nights (like an open mic night with the Bible in place of comedians) and special guest presentations. Too bad my birthday is on a Sunday this year, because I really wanted to go and learn things that nine years of Catholic school and watching Dogma never taught me.
Oh my god, indeed.

[Lola.]

don't hate bush.

To show the world how much he cares about immigrants (the legal kind), President Bush helped swear in new citizens on the Fourth of July. During the ceremony, the President said many kind-hearted words (pronounced correctly, too), such as “…I will be honored to call you a fellow American” (“But I dunno how to say your name. Can I just call you Bob?”). A group of hecklers disrupted the ceremony a few times, yelling out “War criminal!”, “Impeach Bush, amend the Constitution!”, and “It’s not easy being green!” Obviously, Kermit the frog was there as well. Although all this Bush-hating was going on, the President did a little useful improvisation for the first time in eight years and replied with, “To my fellow citizens-to-be, we believe in freedom of speech in the United States of America.” Nice save, sir, nice save.
(Note to self: take away that speechy freedom before I’m out. Heh heh heh.)

[Lola.]

let them eat yellow cake.

US officials went on a secret mission to take away all 550 metric tons of yellow cake out of Iraq (it’s not so secret anymore). We took every single slice of delicious, moist, possibly frosting-covered yellow cake from a country that we’re most likely going to be renting for a while longer. Now what are our troops and maybe some civilians supposed to eat, Devil’s Food Cake? No way. Kirsten Dunst didn’t tell the French to eat Devil’s Food Cake. And what’s worse is that the Iraqis sold their baked goods to Canada for “tens of millions of dollars.” Canada. The only thing they’re known for is Ginger Ale and those guys who wear red jackets and ride horses. I’ve heard of outsourcing jobs to India, but outsourcing bakeries to Canadians is just ridiculous. Although this was Saddam Hussein’s secret horde of yellow cake, there’s nothing to be scared about; it’s just cake. Iraqi officials said that they were “worried the cache would reach insurgents or smugglers crossing to Iran.” I took a psychology class once, and I think they were just being paranoid. … Oh wait. There’s no space between “yellow” and “cake” in the article. Oh shit. The secret mission was to take out “yellowcake”, meaning Uranium, not “yellow cake”. Oops.

[Lola.]

so, two germans walk into a bar...

I can't finish that joke because there is nothing funny about Germans (except for the word "wienerschnitzel").
A German couple "jokingly" put their baby up for auction on eBay, starting the bid at one Euro. One Euro! That's, like, almost two dollars (even a poor college student could afford a baby)! The couple wanted to "sell" their baby because he was being too noisy (duct tape usually does the trick). What kind of joke is that? Germans are messed up (I've hidden my German passport out of shame). In America, it's hillarious to make someone believe that their million dollar home is being repossessed, to be kicked in the balls repeatedly by a midget, and to pull outhouses apart while a person sits on the toilet, but it is never funny to sell a child on eBay (amazon.com is a different story).
For all you Germans who will ever try to make another joke, das ist verboten! Nicht scherzt!

[Lola.]

my mom never told me that.

Since when were there any black Republicans? Whenever I search "Republican" on Google Images (is that creepy?), photos of grumpy, stuck-up, old white guys pop up. I mean no offense, of course- I love African Americans. I have a lot of black friends (well, maybe five. But that's five more than some people). African Americans can do whatever they want, including being members of a political party that historically wasn't very keen on "miorities" (notice that quotations around minorities, showing that I don't consider blacks minor).
After stumbling upon that somewhat shocking news, I learned that many black Republicans are torn between voting for Mr. Obama (I friended him on Myspace!!) and Mr. McCain (does he even know how to turn a computer on?). Black Republicans are at the very least considering Mr. Obama... because... he's black. A black Republican named Rep. JC Watts agrees with me, saying, "I wouldn't just vote for a Republican candidate just because they are Republican, no more than I would vote for a black candidate just because they're black." ... Um, my point exactly.
Although, the Chairman of the National Black Republican Association, Frances Rice, claims that Democrats were all members of the KKK and hates the blacks. I'd hate to burst her bubble (I'm not a fan of bubble-bursting), but everyone was a Klan member back in the day. The Klan would probably burn down other white people's houses if they didn't.
So, which is it- chocolate or prune?

[Lola.]

frogger makes me want to hop in front of traffic.

I'm a very understanding person (... well, moreso than Hillary). I can sympathize with kids who say that their parents drive them to drinking, or that writers can only work when not sober (Democrats aren't the only ones who enjoy smoke-filled rooms). But blaming violence on a videogame, that's just plain stupid (Teddy Ruxpin is a whole other story).
A group of teenagers in Long Island beat up some kid in a parkinglot and took his wallet, then hijacked a car with a baseball bat, a crowbar, and a broomstick (that's almost as badass as Mary Poppins). They claimed that they were inspired by Grand Theft Auto. I claim "bullshit". Kids nowadays (other than fourth and eighth graders) don't realize how stupid they are. If you have a spark of genius and decide to beat the shit out of someone, take all the credit for yourself (like Vanilla Ice when he stole Under Pressure) and run. Especially the running part. "A videogame made me do it" is like saying, "Hi, I will still be living in my mommy's basement when I'm 40, fat, and have acne on my back."
Besides, if everyone starts putting the blame for their actions on videogames, the Government will eventually take away our freedom to blast shark-aliens' heads off in a blood bath of light-sabers and mountain dew. It's the only freedom Americans have left. Don't take that freedom away from us, you meddling kids.

[Lola.]

president lincoln, back me up.

Recently, a millionaire from New York (of course) was sentenced to eleven years in prison for “forced labor, conspiracy, involuntary servitude and harboring aliens”. Varsha Sabhnani (with a name like that, she should know a thing or two about aliens) and her husband were practically treating their two Indonesian workers like slaves for the last several years. I’m no history buff (oh wait, I am), but I think that slavery has been illegal since before President Lincoln’s assassination--- actually, slavery was illegal in the North long before we got to the South (secession is a terrible thing to waste). Get with the program, lady. I know you’re not that old (but you do look man-ish), but beating people for “sleeping late or stealing food from trash bins because they were poorly fed” is something that would’ve happened in the 1800’s, not 2007. And don’t play the “indentured servant” card with me; I know that was replaced by slavery way before Mr. McCain was even in college (I, however, can use the “McCain is old” card whenever I please). So I’m sure that if President Lincoln was here today, he’d bitch slap you and write a second Emancipation Proclamation. Apparently, though, Sabhnani was once “a woman who spent a lifetime doing good deeds.” I wonder what happened to her since then. Did she go on a Fox News binge?

[Lola.]

keep it up.

Apparently, nobody who works at a chicken ranch read my advice on how to recession-proof your career. Tisk, tisk, pleasure providers. You deserve a slap on the wrist (if you thought of something other than “wrist”, you’re a pervert). If you aren’t aware, Nevada allows prostitution in counties with a population of less than 400,000 people, which are generally the ones (where toothless Joe and his rifle reside) that are in the middle of nowhere. Because of the rising gas prices, fewer customers are willing to drive to the somewhat creepier parts of the state just for some expensive “fun time” (“booty”). Some brothels are now giving away free $50 gas cards to their customers to help keep up business (stuff it, car dealerships!) because they understand how much it blows to pay almost $5 a gallon. Others have a special deal. It’s possibly the most patriotic notion anyone has ever come up with-- actually, I think it’s neck-and-neck with the car dealership commercial that has a terrible Barack Obama impersonator saying, “Yes you can!”-- and it’s the perfect economic stimulus package (it’s even named after our good friend President Bush--- no, it’s not what you’re thinking). If a customer enters the brothel with their early/late/on-time birthday check from the President, the customers receives, as we’d say in the retail world, a sort of buy one-get one of equal value free deal. What a way to stimulate a package.

[Lola.]

starsky & hutch 2: sarkozy and bush in action!

President Bush (yes, he is still living in that big White House) has now become a great friend of French Prime Minister Nicolas Sarkozy, because of one simple fact: they both dislike Iran. Recently, Iran declined an offer of civilian nuclear power from the European Union and the United States in exchange for stopping their artistic uranium-enriching projects. First of all, all History majors know that it’s a bad idea to align with the French because they tend to give up in the middle of a fight (Sarkozy doesn’t even sound French, but it’s safe to assume that he surrenders like one), so what the hell is the President doing (other than nothing in particular)? And plus, they’re going about it all wrong. According to old movies I’ve seen (and racist assumptions that I’ve heard), Arabic people like concubines. We should’ve offered Iran women in exchange for them giving up Uranium. I know for a fact that when you’re dealing with foreigners, you have to do things their way (and enrich the Uranium yourself?).
President Bush and Prime Minister Sarkozy discussed their feelings during a cozy little dinner at Elysee Palace. Seeing as Mr. Sarkozy is most likely a French elitist (the worst kind of elitist, by the way), their candlelight supper probably consisted of several courses including escargot, foie gras, filet mignon, soup du jour, baguettes, and lots of other French-sounding foods. Sometime during that romantic night out, the President said, “… We want the Iranian people to flourish and benefit.” He probably means it in the exact same way that Iraq has flourished and benefitted from the five-year-long party we’ve been throwing over there.
Who’s up for some international beer pong (when I say “beer pong”, I mean “bomb pong”)?

[Lola.]

are you recession-proofed?

Someone’s told me before how helpful some of my tips are (when I say “someone”, I mean “I told myself”), so I figured I’ll give you some more of my oh-so-enlightening advice. I recently came across a career quiz that’s supposed to help make sure the readers won’t get fired because of the… recession… god, it hurt to say that word. Here are some excerpts to see if we’re on track with not getting laid off (I said “laid”).
I am usually the most positive person in the room. The glass is half-fucking-full.
I have joined a social networking site (Linkedin, Facebook, etc.), and consistently invite people to link with me. Only bands and sixteen-year-old scene boys friend me back, though.
I have volunteered for a project outside my area of responsibility. I volunteer at Freemont Street every week-end.
I have expanded my knowledge base by recently taking a course or seminar that broadens my skills. Jewelry Making 101.
I read at least three new professional journals, magazines or books every quarter to expand my ability to be a resource for new ideas. Cosmo, Rolling Stone, and Sailor Moon novels.
I know where I'd like to be in five years. Yeah, not here.
Then you add up points (I have no idea where the numbers come from), and depending on your score, you’re either keeping your job or you’re fucked (I am helpful). Here’s the breakdown:
0-5: You're fired.
6-10: You're being let go.
11-15: You’re a tool. Nobody likes you.
16-20: Congratulations! You’re a narcissistic, ass-kissing, goody-two-shoes and everybody at work hates you. Actually, everyone in general hates you, even your mom. You’re recession-proofing yourself well. But, still, nobody likes you.
Here’s my advice: don’t get your ass fired.

[Lola.]

(so MSN doesn’t sue me: http://msn.careerbuilder.com/custom/msn/careeradvice/viewarticle.aspx?articleid=1531&SiteId=cbmsnhp41531&sc_extcmp=JS_1531_home1&GT1=23000&cbRecursionCnt=1&cbsid=88c090282bb3498082622bbe18ae92d2-266361625-J7-5)

how to win people over in ten days.

It’s been said that Mr. Obama will be able to “woo Clinton supporters” in order to defeat Mr. McCain in the General Election (just don’t wake him up and he’ll miss the whole thing). Mr. Obama needs to just let the people know that he’s the exact opposite of Mr. McCain- he wants universal health care, no gas tax holidays, and is not that old. Hillary is even planning on helping out Mr. Obama to gain her followers’ trust (that makes it sound like a cult), which shouldn’t take much, because all she has to do is tell them (to do her bidding) to vote for him. There. Done deal. It would also help if he wore a pantsuit; that seems to make Hillary supporters feel more comfortable during rallies and speeches and stuff. If I may suggest something, sir, orange would look really nice on your skin (although I’m not saying that all black people look good in orange). Like, a dark orange color would be good (I’m not saying that all black people look good in dark orange, either).
Pantsuits + commands = won-over cult members. You’re welcome.

[Lola.]

why did it have to end so soon?

You know the old saying, "You miss the thing you hate once it's gone" (I think I just made that up). Or is it, "You miss the stupid fucking Primaries that seemed to last so long that you were certain McCain would die before any decisions were reached now that they are over"? I forget which saying it is, but you get my point. We were all contemplating (suicide?) coming up with a drinking game in which you watched the news (not Fox News, they're too depressing) and drank a shot each time the pundits talked about someone winning a Primary, a pint each time anyone mentioned a Candidate dropping out, and a bottle of Jagermeister for old-man jokes (alcohol poisoning at its best). But we refrained. We knew that it would eventually end. We prayed to all the divine beings that the enhanced interrogation (not torture) would stop. Now that it's over... life seems so uninteresting. I feel so uninspired. It's so bad that I'm kicking around the idea to watch Fox News until it completely dissolves my soul, and then maybe I'll find something worth talking about.
I could tell you that Hillary owes herself $11.4 million (how do you borrow your own money?). She has until August to pay it off (she can pay herself back), and Mr. Obama, out of the kindness of his heart (and the desperate need to not split the Party any more than it already is), has offered to help the robot-lady raise enough to pay off her debts.
I could also mention that a report from Senate claims that President Bush and his friends "deliberately misrepresented secret intelligence" in order to be able to invade Iraq. I hate to be the bearer of bad news (actually, I love it), but I think we've all known that for, oh, I don't know, several years. Senate also claims that the Administration was wrong when they "linked Saddam Hussein to the Sept. 11 attacks and al-Qaida; claimed Iraq would give terrorist groups chemical, biological or nuclear weapons, and said Iraq was developing drone aircraft to spread chemical or biological agents over the United States." Didn't a bunch of people write books on this already?
Thank you, Captain Obvious and the League of Redundancies.

[Lola.]

come out of your primary comas, kids.

Mr. Barack Obama has finally managed to take the Democratic Nomination for himself! We've been waiting for the end of this neverending story (spoiler alert: that movie ended) since... I don't remember when the whole thing started. It seems like it's been years that the media began to say, "The gloves are coming off!", "Are the gloves finally coming off?", "Their gloves are off!" (why gloves? Mittens are cuter), and "Is he a secret Muslim extremist?" (the answer is yes). And here we thought it'd last so long that the Nominee would be declared on the General Election ballot.
After spending so much time and money on plastic surgery (I heard that butt-implants are popular, ma'am. Just a suggestion), paying Bill to shut the fuck up and quit screwing up her campaign (the payment: female interns), and self-congratulatory parties, Hillary is batting her robotic lashes at Mr. Obama in order to convince him that she shuld be his VP. Maybe he would take Hillary up on her offer if she had given up (like the other cool kids) when they started dropping out twenty-something months ago. Or perhaps if she didn't imply that black people don't know how to answer the phone (some choose not to, because they have rights just like you).
It's like that age-old question, "Chocolate or vanilla?", except it was more like "Chocolate or bitch?"
I'm a chocolate kind of girl.

[Lola.]

return of the whores.

We all thought it was over, and we all completely forgot about it (who forgets whores?). That is, until today. Remember Gov. Spitzer? He frequented that expensive whorehouse and got caught for it a while back, and then resigned in March out of “guilt”. Are we on the same page now? Good. Well, it turns out that the woman running the prostitution ring is only 23 years old. Twenty-three! A twenty-three-year-old was the head of a company. A company that actually had a good cash (they take credit and very personal checks, too) flow, by the way. I hope I have a great-paying, laid-back job like that in three years. I’m so jealous. I wonder what she majored in at university, hotel management?
Also, the Emperor’s Club broke several laws (and handcuffs) by laundering money and promoting prostitution (leaving flyers on cars is illegal?), and her response in court was, “Basically, it was, I guess, a prostitution ring, that was attempting to launder money or whatever.” I guess it was a prostitution ring. Don’t worry, I didn’t realize for the longest time either that a company that had people paying for dirty deeds involving pleasure providers was considered prostitution, either. But then again, she should’ve known, since she dropped out of University of Miami (that still counts as going in my book) and happened to attend a prestigious high school, whereas I just go to a Community College. Oh, and her boyfriend is about forty years older than her.
Eww. I just threw up in my mouth a little (that costs extra).

[Lola.]

look who's on top now.

I know the last thing you want to hear about is the Primaries, because somehow watching an entire season of America’s Next Top Model suddenly seems like it only lasts seconds compared to the Primaries’ length (it’s only June, by the way). I promise to not actually talk about it any longer.
But even if (when I say “if”, I mean “though”) Hillary won’t win the Nomination for the General Election, she will still come out on top. She has recently been voted the Most Powerful Woman in NYC (if by “most powerful”, you mean “most likely to bite off a bat’s head to raise money for her plastic surgery campaign”, then I totally agree). Here’s the list of Most Powerful Women in NYC:
1. Hillary Rodham Clinton
2. Anna Wintour
3. Erin Callan
4. Mary Ann Tighe
5. Christine Quinn
6. Tina Fey
7. Amy Poehler
8. Randi Weingarten (I don’t trust people with Nazi last names)
9. Barbara Walters
10. Patti LuPone
I highly disagree with this. Regardless of what kind of list it is, Oprah should always be at the number one spot (because she could crush me gives people stuff for free). So, I’ve compiled my own list in which I surveyed 100 people (just myself) about who they (I) think the Ten Most Powerful People in the World are.
1. Oprah. Please give me something. I put you at the top of a list.
2. Stephen Colbert/Rain. It should’ve been a pants-off dance-off.
3. Jon Stewart. If you pretend “3” is “1”, will you give me a job at the Daily Show?
4. The guy who invented the Pringles can. It’s more sanitary than digging in a bag.
5. The guy who invented Post-Its. I would’ve forgotten to make cupcakes if it wasn’t for a Post-It note that my mother left.
6. Gordon Ramsay. He’s been sued, like, 50 times, and still manages to keep his job.
7. Brian May. He still hasn’t succumbed to using conditioner. Way to stick it to the man.
8. Ralph Nader. He’ll still run for President even after he’s dead.
9. Ben Barnes. God, he’s hot. Oh, sorry, I drooled a little on your keyboard.
10. John McCain. He’s so old, it almost makes his racism okay.

[Lola.]

drop it!

Because the childhood obesity rate is climbing ever so quickly, everybody (Loves Raymond is an awful show) is becoming obsessed with kids losing weight and hitting the gym every once in a while. People have tried everything; including getting rid of sodas, candy, and other “unhealthy” nourishments from school cafeterias (I’m still bitter about not being able to get 3 bread sticks for $1.25 after sophomore year). It doesn’t work. When you take away something at school, the children are going to ask mommy and daddy to buy for them to bring themselves (this goes for tasers too). They’ll still grow horizontally (this still goes for tasers; they're not proper weight-loss supplements).
I think that it shouldn’t matter what they eat, as long as we put speed in their food. It works for models, so why not apply the same principles into everyday life (bathrooms are like trash cans for digested materials)? Oh, don’t worry; I hear it’s an easy habit to kick (like models eating). Bring back the M&Ms, triple-glazed donuts, Coke machines, and ice cream cones to middle schools and high schools, but with a little something… extra. Parents won’t have to worry about forcing gym memberships on their kids, nor will they ever have to bring sweets home- the schools will only serve speed-laced candies. They’ll be skinny before you know it, and the obesity rate will be as high as Kate Moss’s body fat percentage (-50%).
Hey! I told you to drop that donut, kid! It’s mine- I already licked it!

[Lola.]

i think he's dying.

I just read an article called McCain "sick at heart" over mistakes in Iraq war. It says that his heart is sick (it’s one of the side effects of Viagra). When old people get sick hearts, they usually end up… you know, dying. Mr. McCain is possibly going to croak soon, and I haven’t even sent him an apologetic sugar-free cheesecake yet. He told veterans on Memorial Day that he’s “sick at heart at mistakes made in the conflict” (aren’t “conflicts” less serious than “wars”?). That would explain why Mr. McCain is suddenly catching a ride on the going-green train, saying that our troops will be 100% out of Iraq by 2013 (I was really looking forward to the 100 years he promised), and inviting Mr. Obama to a dream vacation in Iraq. He visits Iraq every few months (the baristas at the Green Zone Starbucks know his order by heart) and decided that he’d like to show Mr. Obama how to live the life of an elitist in the stylish Middle East before the American tourists start pouring in once the Green Zone Mega-Mall is completed.
I bet their hotel will serve a complimentary Continental breakfast, and include free Wi-Fi and a spa.

[Lola.]

look at my new crazy pastor! isn't he adorable?

Honestly, what is it with Candidates ending up having insane religious figures in their lives? I want one of my own now (like a racist and angry puppy). All the cool kids are doing it. I think it’s like that saying- “Monkey see, monkey do, monkey wanna do it too.”
First, it started off with Mr. Obama’s friend, Rev. Wright (how many times do I have to tell you people to leave the story alone? It’s getting old (like McCain)) shouting “Goddamn America” and then telling the world that white people can’t clap. All of a sudden, Mr. McCain magically happens to have a psycho Pastor who thinks that God sent Hitler to help out the Jews to find their Promised Land. I read the Bible once (all those years of Catholic school and I might have read the entire thing one time), sir, and Moses was the one who (forgot to look up directions on Mapquest beforehand) helped them out, not Adolf.
The next thing you know, Hillary’s going to unexpectedly have gone to Church her entire life and manages to (pay off with her campaign funds) also have her own crazy Church leader who claims… oh, I don’t know, that he created the sun after eating the world’s homosexual population to get rid of the horrifying sex scandals that were going on (with Bill). Then she’ll be equipped with a computer chip that allows her to feel appalled and ditch him like the other two (the Pastor, not Bill).

[Lola.]

five things you won't learn in college.

1. Never trust a Junta agreement. The Junta in Myanmar recently agreed to allow foreign aid workers to help cyclone victims “as long as they were genuine humanitarian workers.” Since when did we trust anyone who’s title was “supremo”? There’s a reason why we usually don’t help out Juntas, and I think the explanation lies within the meaning of the word “Junta”: a small group ruling a country, esp. immediately after a coup d'état and before a legally constituted government has been instituted (thank you dictionary.com!). Generally if someone overthrows a government and wants humanitarian workers, that’s what we call (a cannibal?) an oxymoron. Don’t trust oxymorons (you can’t spell it without “moron”); don’t trust Juntas.

2. Earthquakes stop protests. Although China has been devastated by the recent earthquake, and many people have lost their lives, families, homes, etc., the protests against the Beijing Olympics have ceased. It shook the rebellion right out of their systems.

3. Don’t compare your stubbornness to someone’s assassination. Hillary compared her never-give-up-attitude (she’s not programmed to give up) to Robert Kennedy being shot, because both the shooting and the end of Primary season happen in June. I’m sure Mr. Kennedy wouldn’t have given up living if he didn’t die from the gunshot. He was shot in his fucking head. She is just mathematically unlikely to win the Nomination. There’s kind of a difference.

4. Don’t go to a Church which has a crazy Pastor. Grandpa McCain and his Pastor have finally gone their separate ways, after the Pastor was quoted saying that “God sent Adolf Hitler to help Jews reach the Promised Land.” I don’t know where Reverend Hagee studied about WWII (the trenches), but from what I learned in my history books, Hitler killed off many Jews. Unless by “leading” he meant “sending them to God in packs early”, I think he’s a bit off his rocker.

5. Don’t take an aphrodisiac if it’s made out of frog venom. Someone apparently died from it. And it’s illegal. Wouldn’t you think that it’s common sense to not ingest something with the words venom and illegal attached to it? Besides, it looks like a piece of shit. Literally. It’s been described as a “hard, brown substance.” If something’s made out of venom, is banned by the FDA (unlike cloned meat), and looks like it was secreted from an animal (like certain tropical coffee beans), you probably shouldn’t swallow or even rub it on yourself.

[Lola.]

john mccain's skin care solutions.

Mr. McCain is unhappy because he just can’t seem to get through to young voters, unlike the other Candidates. He’s trying to talk to young environmentalists (age requirement: can’t order from the senior menu at IHOP) about his sudden ability to want to go green. Mr. McCain recently spoke at a wind turbine producer in Oregon (want to bet that we’ll find a way to run out of wind too?) to discuss what he wants to do about Global Warming (bottle it for when his feet get cold in the winter). The youngsters seemed to warm up (pun intended) to the idea of Mr. McCain breaking away from the usual ideas of the Republicans, but they still won’t go for him because they claim that his ideas fall short.
All that aside, do you know what the real problem is, sir? You’re old. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s true. Age matters. There are three things that young people don’t trust: old people, cops, and baby carrots (they’re pure evil). Lots of young people trust Mr. Obama (even if he’s secretly part of the Al-Qaeda Chess Club) and Hillary (all campaign donations go towards her plastic surgery) because they’re young and fresh. At least, they’re less wrinkled than you. And their skin is less droopy. And they can eat food with sugar. I could through a whole list of reasons why you look older than them, but I’ll just tell you the solutions.
Solution #1: Build a time machine, go back about three-hundred years, and bring your fifty-year-old self back to the future (part two was my favourite in that trilogy) and have him run for President.
Solution #2: Olay Regenerist. It helps reduce fine lines and wrinkles, while improving the skins elasticity in fourteen days. Guaranteed. You might need about ten bottles of this stuff, but trust me, it’ll work.
Solution #3: Kill off anyone else who could possibly beat you in the Election. Then it won’t matter what the young people think- you’ll be the only choice.
You’re welcome.

[Lola.]

let's celebrate!

Today I received a letter from the IRS (my first reaction: “Hide the cash in the pillows!”) stating that sometime in the next couple of weeks, I’ll be getting a check for $300 from President Bush. The President Bush! He’s sending me birthday money, and it’s not even my birthday! The letter said that it was because of the Economic Stimulus Act of 2008 (he’s actually accomplished something this year?), but I know the President just wants me to think it’s nothing special and that everyone’s getting early/belated birthday money (or in some rare cases, on-time birthday money). What a nice guy. I feel a little guilty saying such mean things about Mr. Bush now… as an apology, I’ll send him a fruit basket.
But let’s not cloud our judgment just because he’s sending me birthday money. If our country really was in a recession, how would sending everybody who’s filed taxes (me) $300 solve problems? I mean, I could buy an iPod or a crappy laptop with that amount of money, and a couple months of gas (unless I’m actually paying $328/gallon, the smaller numbers could be an optical illusion), but…
Hey, wait a minute. I’m feeling gypped. The internets just informed me that some people are getting $600, and married couples can receive $1200 (that’s like $600 each. You’re welcome for doing the math for you). You cheap bastard. Do you realize how many birthdays of mine you’ve missed? Nineteen. I don’t care if you’re trying to help our economy get out of the slows. I’m taking back your fruit basket.

[Lola.]

take off your pants suits.

It may be a bit too early to call the shots, but everybody believes that our African-American friend, Mr. Obama (in case you forgot which Candidate was not the Caucasian female) is most likely going to win the Nomination. Sorry, Hillary, but… well, you’re probably just not quite the winner this time around. But I’m not saying that you should give up even if you don’t get the Nomination. Hell, keep on campaigning until the world ends in 2012 if you want. You might have to update your pants suits wardrobe, but I’m sure you’ll do fine. Now, the reason I’m already concluding the Nomination results is because Mr. Obama has already won Guam (who knew they actually count for something?) and North Carolina, although Hillary has 269.5 (haha… “69”) superdelegates and he only has 255. Now, I was wondering, how do you get a .5 of a super/delegate? Is it half a person? A midget, maybe? Or is said super/delegate (circle the answer that best describes the situation) unsure and just says “both”?
Anyway, here’s a breakdown on super/delegate number stuff:
Hillary: 57 delegates, 269.5 (I said “69” again) superdelegates.
Obama: 63 delegates, 255 superdelegates.
Something about 800… No, 2,025… oh fuck it. I don’t understand numbers anyway, just as much as I don’t understand why pants suits aren’t illegal.

[Lola.]

movin' on up to the middle east side.

Does anyone remember that Propagandhi song, Hallie Sallasse, Up Your Ass? For all five of you who do (it’s probably on a mixed CD I gave you), there is a prediction about what will happen in the Middle East (“Soon to be parking lots for American tourists and fascist cops.”). And, fifteen years later, I think it’s actually coming true. But you know what? Sorry, Prop, but I am wicked-excited for that giant parking lot. There are plans to build condos and a shopping centre in Baghdad’s green zone! Do you have any idea how cool that’s going to be? We will have the most fashionable troops in history. It’s not gonna be cheap shit like Kohl’s or Target (although there will be a Wal-Mart). No, we’re talking about H&M, D&G, Versace, Roberto Cavalli- rich people stuff. But the food court will be all-American (and cooked by illegal Mexicans) - Panda Express, MacDonald’s, Sbarro (pizza is American), and definitely Cinnabon. Maybe a Dairy Queen, too. But I wonder- will Hugh Hefner own the condos? Because no condo is complete without a Playboy club and swimming pools on the balconies.

[Lola.]

just let it go already.

The entire fucking world knows about the Reverend Jeremiah Wright drama. I’m almost positive that, as a country, we can all recite every goddamn (pun intended) word, song, and dance that he has used to publicly humiliate himself. This has been going on for far too long. Since March, every major, minor, and all those in-between news networks has been discussing his claims that God damns America and how we asked for a terrorist attack (don’t introduce him to Mr. Giuliani, that conversation would go to Hell), and something about chickens nesting. Or maybe it was roosters. Wait, I think he said crows. No, I think it was chickens. Regardless of which winged-creature he cooked for dinner, Reverend Wright is a little… off. All he’s done with the sudden media attention is proving that white people clap like idiots (I clap on beats two and four, thank you). The Reverend can rap, dance, and crack white jokes all he wants; it doesn’t hurt Mr. Obama in the least, just like the God/gun-loving-backwoodsmen comment. Mr. Obama proved that by denouncing the Reverend. Nobody wants to talk to a crazy person who says that the government has been “planting AIDS in the black community” (from Obama-Wright rift reveals divided loyalties in black church by Eric Gorski).
So let’s leave this controversy to rest and stop talking about it (unless we have nothing better to do (like right now)).

[Lola.]

if only harry potter was real...

A long time ago (today), in a galaxy far, far away (Washington DC), the President of the United States of America decided to take action on something (that does not involve helping countries meet certain political apocalypse) during his last few months in office. For those of you who may have already forgotten since last week, President Bush is actually talking about doing something productive. He yelled at Congress for not doing anything yet about our little economic issues. I’ve never heard the man even raise his voice before, so maybe when Mr. Bush yells he simply doesn’t laugh or make up words. Well, he said that the old guy and the woman had a good idea with the whole weekend gas tax suspension (do I smell a new commercial?), but Mr. Bush wants a long-term fix. Other than forcing Alaskans to give us their oil (wait a minute… they belong to the US, so technically they have to share), he… had no other ideas. We’ve grown up together, Mr. Bush and this country, and we’ve gotten to know each other during these last eighty years. We should know when he has no clue what’s going on. And, well, sorry sir, but the gig’s up. When you say, “I’m open to suggestions,” you’re really saying, “I--- I dunno what to do! Someone come up with a good-sounding plan that’ll never happen, and I’ll take credit for it!”
The GDP report just magically happens to be due tomorrow (guess how many people won’t show up to class. “My printer broke…”), which can tell us if our country is in the… r-word. Seeing as Mr. President is also an optimist, he commented, “I think they’ll show we’re in a very slow economy.” Woah, woah, hold on. That's not the kind of optimism I was thinking of. He told the world that we’ve got a case of the slows. What an asshole. Who does that man think he is, spreading rumors about how slow we are? Nobody’s ever going to take us seriously as a country anymore! Not only that, but he also claims, “If there was a magic wand to wave, I’d be waving it… But there is no magic wand to wave right now.” That’s a lie. The next Harry Potter movie should be coming to cinemas soon. He’ll swish and flick us out of this mess- just you wait.

[Lola.]

mr. bush's glass is half full.

The man is such an optimist at heart. It’s so difficult to know how many people dislike him, really, it is. Mr. Bush has recently said that by the time he leaves office, he can “achieve the definition of a state” in Palestine. He does worry me a little with that kind of bold statement… does he realize that his Presidency is over with in January? Has anybody informed Mr. Bush that he has to be packed and ready to go in about nine months? I’m pretty sure that although he scored higher than me on my SAT’s (I still want to know how that’s possible. My IQ in eighth grade was higher than his is now), Mr. Bush might think that he can trick people into thinking that the Constitution allows war-time Presidents to stick around until it’s finished. That, or he hasn’t figured out that we switched to the Gregorian calendar system in the 1700’s (that joke was meant for Mr. McCain, sorry) and believes that he still has a few more years to go.
But we can’t hurt the man’s feelings by telling him it won’t work out that quickly. I’d feel absolutely terrible (unless my name is Hillary). Oh, wait. The “experts” already have. He didn’t listen, though, because while discussing the plans to make sure Palestine becomes a contiguous state, he was busy imagining the country as a big plate of Swiss cheese.
If Palestine is Swiss cheese, I bet it’d taste great as part of a ham sandwich. What would the other ingredients be? Iran would definitely be the ham, Iraq is the rye bread, Afghanistan can be the lettuce, Pakistan will be the tomato slices, and just for some extra flavour, let’s make Syria the mayonnaise.
Mmm, colonialism tastes best when in denial.

[Lola.]

he's not a racist.

Mr. McCain is just old. Seriously, old people can get away with just about everything- using racial slurs, getting into car accidents, hitting children with their canes… the list goes on. Someone like me couldn’t get away with calling people--- nevermind. I won’t go there. I’m not old; I’d definitely get my ass kicked for using terms that old Mr. McCain (doesn’t that make you imagine him sitting on a porch rocking chair with a rifle in his hands?) probably says on a daily basis (not about his wife being a trollop). When he was growing up in the 1800’s, it was acceptable to discriminate against African-Americans, which makes it okay for him to still harness a few racist tendencies without a deserving slap to the face.
So what if he opposed celebrating Martin Luther King Jr. Day one time, and was the deciding vote that helped Daddy Bush veto the Civil Rights Act of 1990. At least Mr. McCain is brave enough to stand by such an embittered decision, even if he’s digging his own grave (you’ve been at it for years, sir). If gramps believes that he’ll win over African-American voters, I’m sure he’ll find a way to do it (if there’s a will, there’s (usually a dead body) way). Mr. Obama only carries 90% of them, which makes it even more mathematically possible than Hillary winning the Nomination. He just needs a little encouragement. He said himself, “I'm going to be the president of all the people.” I think that says it all. It doesn’t matter who wins the Election, Mr. McCain will find a way to reign supreme over all of us and keep the War going for one-hundred years or so.
God bless McCainica.

[Lola.]

i'm filing a complaint.

I’m sick of it already. I’m finally going to complain about Hillary and Mr. Obama complaining about complaints. It’s not fair how much those two are allowed to complain without their mothers smacking them in the back of their heads. If I complain, my mom yells at me. Maybe they’ll shut the hell up if I send her after them with a flyswatter and dish soap. Lavender dish soap. That shit smells nasty, so it’s easy to assume that it tastes god-awful too.
You know what else? I’m going to complain about Hillary, my ex-best friend. She is one of the most (unemotional, inhuman) sexist people I’ve ever ‘met’, saying, “…if you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen. Just speaking for myself, I am very comfortable in the kitchen.” That really irks me. What is she getting at, saying that as a woman, she feels comfortable in the kitchen? Is she trying to tell the world (the two people who’ve read this) that all women like being in the kitchen? As a real female who doesn’t own a closet-full of pants suits, I’d like to tell her that I’m much more comfortable watching TV on the couch than cooking in a hot kitchen. Kitchens are not the homes of women, lady, okay? They haven’t been since the 1950’s. Just ask Mr. McCain, he’d remember it perfectly, as if it were yesterday (he’s been napping almost non-stop since then). Hillary, you wouldn’t be so “comfortable” as a “woman” if you worked with the assholes who call themselves “chefs” on Hell’s Kitchen. You may be incredibly detached from human emotions, but Gordon Ramsay could make even you cry and drop out of the Race.
I know people who know people who probably know people. Don’t mess with me, woman. I can indirectly make your robot eyes rust if you don't clean up your sexist act.

[Lola.]

now's not the time to be empathetic.

Do you know what “empathy” means? If you’re not in fourth or eighth grade, you probably don’t, but it means that one understands exactly how another person feels because they’ve been through said feeling as well. I know, I know, you’re not reading this for an English lesson. But for someone to say that my ex-best friend (Hillary) can feel empathy (or any human emotion, for that matter) makes me want to throw up my all-American dinner of bangers and mash*. She “empathetically” said that regardless of who wins the Democratic Candidacy, Mr. McCain will not quite win the Election (you snooze, you lose. And old people tend to snooze a lot). Mr. Obama has also mentioned something similar, that one of them will lead the Party to victory, and that Hillary is an honest woman. As we’ve realized before, we’re not so sure about the “woman” part. And the “honesty”… well, who hasn’t lied about being under sniper fire? I know I do all the time.
I have a problem with Mr. Obama and Hillary saying that they’d be down with it if the other won the Candidacy. Look at it like this: in the finale of America’s Next Top Model (all three-hundred seasons), the two girls battling it out on the runway don’t say, “Oh, if she wins, its fine! At least someone will win!” No, they don’t. What they would say, though, is, (“Where’s the bathroom?”) “If that bitch wins, I’m ripping out her hair.” Those two need to be more like models and say what they’re really thinking- “If Obama/Clinton wins, I swear to god I’ll have him/her/it thrown into a pool of piranhas.”
Besides, in politics (or Hillary’s programming), there’s no room to feel empathy or be nice to the other kids, especially during a debate. Push them out of the sandbox, give them a goddamn wedgie, and take their lunch money.

[Lola.]


*Technically, bangers and mash is a British cuisine, but they owned us at one point, so that means it’s partially ours, too. Plus, if you put ketchup on anything, that automatically makes it American.

isn't it sad?

Other than Mr. Obama calling backwoodsmen bitter, gun-caressing, Mexican-haters, there aren’t any deliciously dirty secrets surfacing with our three Candidate friends recently. What the hell are we supposed to do? America is a country built on tabloids, sex scandals, ADD, and lies about being shot at. Just go back in time and ask our Founding Fathers. We all know that Mr. Obama’s still African-American, Hillary is still (possibly) female, and Mr. McCain still remembers high school in the Neolithic era. You know what? I’ll just start my own rumors to make the country a happier place again.
Not only has Mr. McCain recently been caught in a drug-deal involving the mixture of Viagra and heroin, but the investigation of the matter has led to the discovery of a love octagon involving Mr. McCain, Mr. Romney’s wives (assuming that all Mormons keep several of those handy in case of an emergency), Elliot Spitzer (that’s right, he’s back with a vengeance!) and Mr. Obama. Mr. Obama also took part in an elitist Muslim terrorist group recently which held innocent My Little Ponies ransom in exchange for the psychedelic bus that he’d been traveling on and Kool-Aid for his Acid Test Parties. My best friend, Hillary, is going to rehab next weekend, after the Pennsylvania primaries are finished. We can’t be best friends anymore, though, because it turns out that the woman likes Crown Royal, funny-coloured beer (that pint looked like it was diluted with water. That’s so not cool), and shots of cheap whiskey. That part is true, mind you, even when I say that she doesn’t drink sweet, girly drinks. I can’t be best friends with someone who drinks like a man-robot. Therefore, my now-ex-best friend is a tranny robot with an alcohol addiction.
What sad, sad times we live in. How will our future children look themselves in the mirror knowing what kind of corrupt individuals we ended up voting for?

[Lola.]

two-hundred and eighty-four.

No, that’s not Mr. McCain’s real age. I’ve said it many times; he’s not that old. He’s just old enough to remember most of the important events that helped shape our country, like the Gettysburg Address and the first pint of Samuel Adams beer. That big number that’s nearly impossible to count to is how many days are left in Bush’s Presidency. Have we all forgotten that Mr. Bush is still our President? It totally slipped my mind for a while because of all this Democratic Party Candidate acid test tour voting argument extravaganza. I feel bad about that. I’m so sorry, Mr. Bush, your country sort of left you behind. Maybe you should pull something crazy, like in the old days, and catch us off-guard. Trust me; it’ll be for the best if you end your second (and hopefully the Constitution keeps it your last) Presidential term with a bang. And by that, I don’t mean bomb… ooh, what country is next on the list? How about Uzbekistan, since it’s something I can actually spell? So don’t bomb Uzbekistan to end it with a bang, but you could always get Mr. Cheney punk’d. I know the world would appreciate that. Plus, the man is a comedian, and he’d definitely like a good joke or two to be remembered by. Just think a couple of things over in that abnormally large head of yours, and get back to us on it.
Mr. Bush is going to start pulling out troops from Iraq again. What about the other countries we’re pouring into? Well, I guess the answer to that question will have to wait for another day, possibly a hundred years from now (if Mr. McCain miraculously wins the Election). He’s giving General Petraeus “ 45 days to evaluate the effects of the drawdown, followed by an indefinite period to reassess U.S. troop strength in Iraq” (from Gates: US troops won't drop to 100,000 by Deb Riechmann (sauerkraut-eater)). That means General Patronus gets over a month to think, and then has just about forever to think some more. It’s unfair that some General guy gets paid a substantial amount of money just to think. Damn you, General Petrelli! I make less than $10/hr and have to do actual work. Is that what Presidents do during their last year in office? Think? And pay people to think? Sen. Harry Reid said, "Instead he is leaving all the tough decisions to the next administration. President Bush has an exit strategy for only one man, himself, on January 20, 2009." Hey, Mr. Reid, why don’t you give the man a break? He’s been working hard for years, trying to figure out how to pronounce words not in his limited vocabulary (but strangely enough he scored higher on his SAT’s than me), and tap-dancing his way to glory. The man is a thinker, a decider, and apparently good at bicycling. Let Mr. Bush pedal out of the White House with at least a little dignity.
I’ve come to the conclusion that Mr. Cheney is a total douchebag. For the first time, I’m not saying it because of the creepy, child-molester-like snarl that’s made home on his face. I’m also not saying it because, even after several heart-attacks, he won’t fucking die. How many has he had? Four? It’s not right; maybe he’s a zombie. After the 9/11 attacks, the chain of command starting from Mr. Cheney on down, “signed off on using harsh interrogation techniques against suspected terrorists after asking the Justice Department to endorse their legality” (from Cheney, others OK'd harsh interrogations by Lara Lakes Jordan and Pamela Hess). If you don’t understand what they just said, don't worry about it, only fourth and eighth graders understand big words. Basically, Mr. Cheney and his homies told the CIA that it’s okay to have a little fun with interrogations and play the fun game where you simulate drowning. Two other harmless interrogation methods were discussed, including “causing pain similar in intensity to that caused by death or organ failure”, and keeping detainees overseas to use enhanced interrogation techniques as long as they “did not specifically intend to torture their captives”.
“I don’t intend to beat you senselessly, but sometimes I just get carried away, you know? It’d help if you told me what I want to hear, and then we’ll play a little game and not write about it in my torture memo, okay? Have a nice day.”
Mr. Cheney is such a Dick sometimes.

[Lola.]

oh snap, crackle, and pop!

Sometimes I’m not sure how to tell you something, especially when it’s not so happy. Maybe I’ll turn into Demetri Martin, play a nice, friendly guitar riff and just say it how it is, and you won’t be upset. … Well, I guess not. So… oh, I know! I’ve seen a band do this before, and they got the message across! Do you understand me when I say, “Bop bop bop bop bah bah bop bop”? … No? Well, dammit. I suppose it only works if you’re in a band, singing a love song. What I’m trying to say is that we’re officially in a… a… a… oh god, I can say it… I can say it… I’m not in denial anymore. We’re, um, in a recession. Officially. We, the United States of America, are in a recession. Admitting that we’re in an… “r” word is harder than it seems, which is why I choose to whisper it when I’m talking to people face-to-face. I don’t want to scare anyone, so just as teachers mark papers in green ink to make children feel better, I’ll refer to “it” as the “r” word, like my buddy, Ben Bernanke.
So far in our “r” word, we’ve lost over 200,000 jobs, but don’t you worry. If you don’t work for airlines, accounting firms, retail, factories, insurance companies, construction companies, banks, law offices, real-estate firms, temp agencies, mortgage-broking companies, computer design shops, hotels, engineering companies, architecture companies, telecommunications companies, or transportation companies, you probably won't be part of the 5.1% unemployed. And if you do, that MacDonald’s down the street is hiring. Starbucks, too. Zoos (I know there’s one in Vegas, but what the hell would be there?) and child-care services always need new employees as well. So the question isn’t, “When will we get our jobs back?” it’s “Should I brew coffee or shovel lion shit?”

[Lola.]

never give up, never surrender.

Today, Mr. Edwards (remember him? He was the Democrat who dropped out of the race a while ago…) was asked by the press if he would be willing to run for Vice President again if Hilly/Mr. Obama (circle the candidate who will run in the Presidential Election, or if you’re in denial, circle whoever you choose to believe is the winner) were to ask/beg him. And, invoking the spirit of Amy Winehouse, his answer was, “no, no, no.”
That’s right, kids! Little Mr. Edwards refuses to run for Vice President with anybody. That’s his way of telling us, “Bitch, please!” Because, as we know, if one wants to only be the guy who sits on his ass while the President does all the important stuff, one wouldn’t have run for President in the first place. Said person (“one”), i.e. Mr. Edwards, obviously didn’t want anything but the big boy cup, so back the fuck off. Go away, press. He doesn’t want to drink out of the VP sippy cup, he wants a mother fuckin’ glass.
So, y’know what? Go, Mr. Edwards! Woohoo!! You tell the other kids in the sandbox that you don’t want to watch them drink their juice, tell them you want the goddamn juice yourself, out of that tall, breakable glass! But you wouldn’t break that glass, because it’s dangerous to step on.
Also, my best friend in the whole wide world, Hilly, says that she can win. She’s a winner. But don’t worry, everyone’s a winner. Except for those who aren’t quite winners. At least her husband will see that she’s a winner on the inside, and that’s what counts.
… … … At least he’ll say all that philosophical bullshit and take a few checks while he’s at it.

[Lola.]

we have a newcomer in our chicken game!

Okay, everyone, I have a new African-American friend that I’d like you to meet. His name is Alan Keyes, and he is now running for President. He’s charming, witty, and that old guy… um, Reagan, likes him, so I trust that Mr. Keyes will get along just fine with our other little candidate friends. Let’s see… Mr. Keyes is from the Constitution Party. I’ve never heard of that one before. I wonder if Wikipedia’s heard of it? … Ah, yes, here’s something. Okay, so it’s conservative, and… oh wow, it’s the third biggest party in our country. Then why wasn’t it one of my choices when I had to pick a party? Huh, that’s strange. According to Wikipedia, which has never failed me in guiding me towards higher knowledge, “the Constitution Party advocates a Bible-based platform which it claims to reflect original intent of the U.S Constitution and the principles of the U.S. Declaration of Independence.” Perfect, so I see a crystal-clear separation of Church and State. Awesome. So far, so good.
Platforms… where are the platforms…? Alright, so this Constitution Party believes that the government’s spending for welfare, education, and health care is unconstitutional, and that the current income tax policy should be replaced with “a tariff-based revenue system supplemented by excise taxes.” Oh god, what does that mean? No wonder I couldn’t choose them when I registered to vote, they use big words that only fourth and eighth graders would understand. They also want to ditch the Department of Education and the Department of Health and Human Services, but my question is, what will those employees do if their jobs are taken away? Are said jobs being outsourced to India? Without those important Departments, are we going to get dumb and catch a cold? Third parties never quite win (except for you, Mr. Nader, I still believe in you!), but just in case, I think I’ll start taking Vitamin C. What I’m reading basically tells me “fuck foreign aid, fuck the World Bank, fuck subsidies…” blah blah blah. Wow, these guys are kind of assholish. They want stricter legal immigration laws and they’d rather kick illegals’ asses out of the country than grant them amnesty. Bad news for you dirty movie-watchers, though, because these guys believe that porn is a crime. I always thought that the internet was made for porn to be more readily available to the public, but if the Constitution Party had its way, being caught with porn would be a criminal offense. What are 40-year-old virgin gamers living in their moms’ basements going to do? They’ll have to play even more World of Warcraft and Dungeons and Dragons than humanly possible to make up for the twenty-hour gap in their day. And finally, does anybody recall the Civil War? I doubt anyone other than Mr. Nader (hah! I totally dodged a McCain age-joke bullet) would have a first-hand account, but I’m pretty sure it began because of the southern states’ secession from the Union. And what is the Constitution Party’s policy on secession? Any state can secede at any time, and it’s not a problem at all.
So, as I was saying, Mr. Keyes is a nice little boy with good manners and great morals, so let’s all treat him kindly. His friends could kick the shit out of us and get our asses deported in a heartbeat.

[Lola.]

is your refrigerator running?

Because Mrs. Clinton still is.
It proves that regardless of the public opinion that she should drop out of the race like everybody else seems to be doing (you’re so close to becoming President, Mr. Nader!), the woman doesn’t know how to give up. Ah, just like a woman. I feel all warm and fuzzy inside knowing that, just like me, a female, Mrs. Clinton is a stubborn bitch. I feel so close to her now, like we’re best friends or something. Ma’am, since we’re practically besties now, can I call you Hilly? And when I’m talking about both you and your charming husband, can I merge your names and call you “Hill-Billy”? :)
Speaking of Hill-Billy, the second half recently said that “There's no better way to tell Hillary that you support her staying in than to make a contribution to her campaign.” Meaning: “Give us your money, and nobody gets hurt by my robot wife.” Gosh, golly, gee wiz, what a great best friend I have! Sorry Jane, you’re out, Hilly’s in. She’s got random people sending her checks, and… well, all you’re really good for is giggles. Sorry, man. I need a best friend with money constantly flowing in, who’s stubborn, bitchy, and possibly a robot.
This just in: proof that Hilly really is a robot! I swear to god, I’m not making this up. While in Indiana, my new bestie told us, “I think this election, particularly here in Indiana, is about jobs, jobs, jobs, jobs, jobs, jobs.” Obviously, a chip in her robot brain malfunctioned for a few moments, causing the woman to repeat the final word in her statement five times more than necessary. Case closed.
I also have a theory regarding our African-American friend, Mr. Obama. He has brought back Ken Kesey’s Acid Test parties from the sixties; doing a six-day tour in a possibly psychedelic bus throughout Pennsylvania (they’re pretty crazy up there). Mr. Obama was also playing with a Slinky in a wire factory, so the man must’ve been tripping off of something illegal. Can you smell that? It’s the scent of freedom-laced Kool-Aid.
Remember, don’t drink the pink punch.

[Lola.]

ring ring, ring ring, ring ring.

“Hello? … No, this is not Domino’s. … … … No, no, sir, no. We do not do any special $5 pizza deals here. … Sir, no. Sir, please. … This is the White House! Why are you calling the White House telephone at 3:00 in the goddamn morning?! … Sir, I assure you, everything’s fine. … … … … No, I have no clue what pizza place would be delivering at 3:00 in the morning. … What? … No! … No, this is the White House emergency line. Goddammit!!”

We all remember Mrs. Clinton’s 3AM phone call commercial. I mean, come on, who could forget it, especially after she said that Mr. Obama, our cuddly little African American friend, “would just let the phone ring and ring”? But if you remember as correctly as I do, it took her six rings to answer the phone. Six rings. If it was really an emergency, someone would’ve been killed by then. I learned in retail that it’s best to let it ring twice, so that you can casually pick up the phone without seeming desperate for a sale, or too laid back. You see, if she were to answer the phone on the first ring, it’d seem like she was waiting for an emergency, or even anticipated one, which would stir controversy. But the sixth ring… seriously, how long does it take to roll out of bed and pick up the phone? I’m pretty sure it’s probably right next to the President’s bed. I’m also pretty sure, seeing as Mr. Obama is a cool guy, that he’d answer on the preferable second ring to start a chillaxed conversation/negotiation for someone’s life.
Now, I’ve heard that there’s a sort of economic “crisis” going on in our country. Well, the word “crisis” is far too scary to use, so maybe we should call it an “issue” to ease the tension. As assholish (I’m copywriting that word) as it may sound, this little economic issue couldn’t have come at a better time. What a great way for our candidates to lie about what they’re going to do for us! Mr. Obama is “planning” on “urging” the government to watch the financial market better and giving it a $30 billion stimulus package (that sounds dirty), Mrs. Clinton “proposed” $2.5 billion retraining program for jobs, and loveable Mr. McCain isn't planning on doing shit. At least the old man’s honest (again, I apologize for thinking you were practically a corpse, sir! Just let me know what kind of sugar-free cheesecake you want!). Everyone’s been getting on the old man’s case about not wanting the government involved in helping out with our issue, but give him some slack. If that man becomes our next President, we do not want to piss him off. The government gave us freedom, and it can take freedom away and give it to someone else. Like, the more appreciative people in Iraq/Iran/wherever else our beloved President Bush decides to spread democracy within his last year (remember him? Yeah, he's still running our country). Hey, I’d rather have someone tell me that they don’t feel like doing a thing than being promised tons of money and job training that I know I’ll never really receive.
…Unless the other side is willing to bribe me… I accept checks, credit cards, cash, and Starbucks cards.
Oh, and by the way, watch out, Mormons! Mr. McCain is using Mr. Romney to get to you! … You’re welcome.

[Lola.]

i'm so surprised! (that i spelled "surprised" right)

I just found out how old Mr. McCain really is. The man’s only seventy-two. I could’ve sworn he was, like, nearing one hundred-ish, seeing as he looks like he’s about to croak. Seventy-two! Mr. McCain sure is a young’un! Wow, I feel a little guilty now, more guilty than when I found out that Bono is only forty-two (I pegged him as sixty-four). I’m so sorry, Mr. McCain. If I ever meet you, I’ll buy you a diabetic cheesecake to make up for this little misunderstanding (assuming that all old people can’t have sugar). Don’t worry! You’re still ripe and fresh, like a side order of bacon at Denny’s!
Anyway, I was reading up on what Yahoo! calls “Campaign ‘08”, as I am one to do, and I came across something so… so profound, so innovative, something I’d never think of myself. “McCain… would be the oldest first-term U.S. president. Clinton would be the first female president; Obama would be the first black president and one of the youngest.” (from What will happen to losers of White House race? by Thomas Ferraro)
Oh my god, who would’ve known? Certainly only those horrible people who looked up our little buddies’ passport files! I’m still mad at you guys. You don’t do shit like that. It’s just rude. Sorry, I’m so offensible* sometimes. But, damn, Mr. McCain would be the oldest President in first-term history? Come on, I just told you he’s not that old. Seventy-two’s a great age for taking Viagra. And Mrs. Clinton, the first female President? Are you sure we haven’t had any before? … Jane tells me that she’s positive that all the others have been men, so I guess I have to believe her. Or, if you want the technical, politically correct term, "WASP". I usually call them old white dudes. And… wait. Wait a minute. … Mr. Obama’s black? Wow, thank god for Yahoo! news. I don’t know what I’d do without it, especially when the kids over at the Daily Show take a week off.
Mr. Ferraro says that whoever loses has to show some grace. Let me tell you, Mr. Ferraro, there is no such thing as losing. It hurts people’s incredibly sensitive feelings when you call them “losers” nowadays (except for Mrs. Clinton because she isn’t programmed to feel human emotions). They’re not “losers” if they don’t win the election. They’re “not quite winners”. So, Mr. John Kerry (how are you? I haven’t heard about you in years), Mr. Al Gore (congratulations on the Nobel Prize for global warming!), Mr. George McGovern (who are you?), and everyone else who’s ever lost an election, it’s okay; you’re just not quite winners :).

[Lola.]


*meaning: able to be offended easily.
synonym: easily offended.
antonym: not easily offended.

alert! alert!

There is a breach in the State Department! Oh my god… Oh my god!!
How the hell did something so catastrophic happen in our wonderful, incredibly rich, good-looking, currently single, powerful country?! I’m so frightened. I don’t know what to do. Is it appropriate to build a bomb shelter? I’m so nervous; I’m not quite sure how to put this gently…
The State Department gets a good number of their employees from two companies, Stanley Inc. and The Analysis Corp., but for the sake of anonymity, we’ll call them “Harvey” and “George”. Stan--- I mean, “Harvey” and “George”- have recently fired several employees for unauthorizationally (I’m copywriting that word) tapping into our favourite little candidates’ passport files. The--- “George”- caught someone taking a peek at Mr. Obama’s files- three times, mind you. … Oh, screw secret identities, no companies would be named something as ridiculous as “Harvey” and “George”. It’s not like our government keeps secrets, so why should I? The employees at Stanley Inc. and The Analysis Corp. checked out all three candidates’ files, but as I mentioned before, they looked at Mr. Obama’s two times more than Mrs. Clinton’s and Mr. McCain’s. How many glances does that make? Anybody? Fourth and eighth graders, I know you know the answer! Yes, just once for Mrs. Clinton and Mr. McCain, and three for Obama. Why? Because he’s possibly a terrorist. These files contain such important, super-secret information, that if it got into the hands of the enemy, it’d be dangerous unless we forget that waterboarding is out of the picture. Said information includes name, citizenship, age, birth date, and country of origin (Not Made in China). That type of stuff is not safe for the public to know.
What have we come to in this country? I mean, it was very polite of Condoleezza Rice to apologize. But is it enough that she will “stay on top of it, and get to the bottom of it”? (What an oxymoron.)
The answer: no.

[Lola.]