stop imagining obama in a miniskirt.

Mr. McCain’s campaign recently aired an ad, comparing Mr. Obama to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, calling him a “vapid but widely recognized media concoction.” That’s the weirdest thing the old man has ever come up with. Mr. Obama is nothing like Paris and Britney- he’s black and they are what the media calls little white tramps (and when I say “media”, I mean “The Soup”). Besides, if Mr. Obama really was able to be compared to those girls, he would need to complete the following:
Be blonde, have a relatively low common sense like that of a kindergartener, wear mini skirts with ug boots, shave his head, drive with a baby on his lap, been in jail for twenty minutes, gone to rehab, and date a creepy little fat man.
I don’t think he’s done any of those things, other than shave his head, so perhaps someone (his name starts with a “J” and ends with “ohn McCain) is getting a little desperate for attention. Desperation can lead people to do embarrassing things (like grocery store fiascos that we won’t mention…), such as asking, "He's the biggest celebrity in the world, but is he ready to lead?" As long Mr. Obama doesn’t start wearing mini skirts, I won’t doubt that he’s ready to lead (What Not to Wear said that mini skirts after age 30 are a no-no).

[Lola.]

(By the way, I'm going to be in Australia until August 11th, so if I don't post anything until then, you know why. In case you care.)

the veepstakes are coming!

It’s that time again. You know, that certain time that rolls around every four years (or less, if you’re William Henry Harrison). That time when the Presidential Nominees have to pick running mates for their, as professional journalists say, “veeps”. The media has been going ballistic over who Mr. Obama and Mr. McCain will choose- at least, they kind of care when there’s no story to not cover about Mr. McCain. Will it be Hillary (like a snowball’s chance in Hell)? Or maybe old skool Mr. Romney? Or even someone we’ve never heard of (probably)? This is what I think our Nominees should look for in a “veep”:
1. Pizzazz. Someone who’s got charisma and can do jazz hands is almost certain to entertain a crowd.
2. Good grammar. Making up words doesn’t always make you seem smarter.
3. No bowties. There are only two exceptions to this rule: Chippendale strippers and Orville Redenbacher.
4. Sense of humor. Cracking an occasional joke is great, but make sure they leave out fart jokes when the cameras are rolling, especially if they are the ones adding to greenhouse gas.
5. No creepiness. Basically, just take the complete opposite of Mr. Cheney, and there you go. I think he’s the Boogeyman.
6. Ready to give up so that Ralph Nader can finally win (optional).

[Lola.]

don't make mccain insult you. he's ruthless.

As Barack Obama continues to turn heads, make glorious and Presidential-like speeches, and, apparently, turn on comedians around the world, it feels like we're forgetting about something. Oh, I know. I'll give you a hint: He's old, kind of pruny, boring, a Vietnam veteran, old, the Republican Nominee... old... give up? It's John McCain (I thought you would've gotten it by the second "old"). He feels left out while every single person in the media covers Mr. Obama spreading hope (and handing flowers to cops) across the Middle East and Europe. Mr. McCain made a public statement, saying that the media is Obama-biased (jealous, much?). Mr. McCain tried again this week to steal Mr. Obama's hope thunder by calling his Iraq exit strategy "the audacity of hopelessness" (apparently it's a play on the title of his book, The Audacity of Hope).
Not bad, coming from a man who believes that food-shopping with cameramen and eating lunch at a German restaurant is "campaigning".

[Lola.]

want a bed-time story with that launch code?

Three ballistic missile crew members from the 91st Missile Wing near a North Dakota base fell asleep recently while holding onto the codes for missile launch (my grandpa fell asleep with a beer in his hands once, and he didn’t spill a single drop). But don’t worry, regardless of a recent “series of nuclear-related mishaps”, all is well and nothing was compromised during the boys’ nap. The code devices that the crew members were sleeping with were outdated anyway, and new launch codes had already been installed, so even if Scooby Doo villains had popped up and stolen the old codes, it wouldn’t have done them any good (Iran, you’re still safe. … For now). Officials said that the three boys were in a locked room with the launch code devices, which are basically “large, metal boxes” (how can you sleep with those without hurting your coccyx?). Apparently, the Air Force has rules about sleeping with ballistic missile launch code devices, and they told the Governor of North Dakota that “procedural violations do occur periodically” (I bet that made him feel better), and not to worry because they’ll solve the personnel issues.
Maybe if the Air Force enforces nap time, it won’t happen again.

[Lola.]

let's do some coverage.

Why hasn’t anybody been covering stories on Mr. McCain’s campaign lately? Just because Mr. Obama is out of the country, spreading hope and giving flowers to angry Iraqis with guns (actually, they kind of like him (because of his promise to get our troops the hell out)), it doesn’t mean there’s nothing interesting going on with Gramps. And just because he’s old and boring, that’s no reason to not follow what going on with Mr. McCain (actually, that’s a perfect reason).
Um, well, I’m already bored with this story because it lacks hope and charisma, so I’ll sum it up in one sentence: Mr. McCain is really old, blames Mr. Obama for the rising gas prices, is kind of a hypocrite (but he’s old, so we’ll forgive him), and has been hanging out with Daddy Bush and I hear that he likes crab cakes.
Does this count as McCain campaign coverage?

[Lola.]

the package 2: son of stimulus.

Remember that economic stimulus package that was passed around the country (still President Bush really gets around, har har har)? You know, the one that didn’t really do much for us because it’s the same amount of money we usually get for our birthdays and Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/L. Ron Hubbard Day/whatever else people celebrate? Well, we might be able to “see a sequel” birthday money from the President! He actually doesn’t want to share the wealth (at least, not within this country), but the Democrats, as always, are more than willing to let us in on a little bit of government spending.
Some “experts” (I do not see anyone with a PhD on that list, and I only listen to people who paid enough money to add “Dr.” to their names, like Dr. Phil) say that the $100 billion that was doled out to us didn’t stimulate anything economically (except in whore houses) because instead of spending money, we all just put it in our bank accounts. Hey, I’ll have you know that I spent mine on a Ringo Starr ticket. Many people are also saying that Congress won’t do shit unless we reach an economic crisis that would “scare the members” (make them watch the Ring as “enhanced interrogation”), and that they would have to call it a “tax cut” instead (a $300 tax cut?).
I can understand why the so-called economic “experts” are scared of a sequel to the stimulus package. Sequels aren’t always bad, though, except for Spider Man 2 and 3, Star Wars Episode I-III, Starship Troopers 2, Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj, the Matrix Reloaded, Legally Blonde 2, Ocean’s 12, Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, and I refuse to believe that they made a third Godfather.
But, hey, look on the bright side- … … …

[Lola.]

i don't think i know what's going on. but i dunno. maybe.

As Election time rolls near (November couldn’t come any fucking sooner, could it?), polls are popping up in every corner of the news, like when Starbucks was being built in every shopping area (and in the middle of the desert, swampland, subway, backyard, Albertsons, etc.). Some may say that the polls are wrong, but one thing is for sure: … … … One thing is for sure: … yeah, they’re usually wrong. The latest polls claim that Mr. Obama and Mr. McCain are practically neck-and-neck so far, with Mr. Obama leading by only a few percents. Basically, old white guys are voting for the old white guy, “minorities” (again, the quotations make the word un-racist) and people who can’t order off of the senior menu support the younger, less-white guy. Surprise, surprise, surprise. And then there are the true Americans, who take voting and polling so seriously, and are undecided. That’s what democracy is all about- being indecisive. The last seven and a half years have taught us so much about being apathetic, that a large group of Americans has yet to decide on who they would like to vote for in four months (the one time since childhood that eeny-meeny-miney-mo settles something).
I haven’t really decided if I’m proud of that, but I think I love being an indecisive American. Maybe. I dunno.

[Lola.]

double-awesome!

I absolutely love how the President always does what he says he’s going to do. President Bush told us how hard he would be working for the next six months (it only feels like sixty), and I’m proud to say that he has gotten a few things done. Two things, actually. And a birthday party (I heard things got crazy during the thirteenth round of strip beer pong- Cheney throws bitchin’ parties).
Earlier this week, President Bush signed a bill which keeps the phone companies that have been tapping our phone calls from lawsuits, such as AT&T and Verizon. Without warrants, government officials can listen in on our conversations in order to learn “who the terrorists are talking to, what they're saying and what they're planning" (they know that Revolver is my favourite album and my shoe size is 7). Although Sen. Feingold claims that “the President broke the law”, I have to agree with the President on this one. He can’t break the law, he’s the President. He bends the law. It’s an awkward feeling (especially for schizophrenics), but we’ll get used to it.
The President’s Administration has also rejected regulating greenhouse gases (it’s like a second bitchslap to the Kyoto Treaty, except we’re not in Japan). The Environmental Protection Agency wrote a “588-page federal notice” and didn’t say whether global warming threatens our health or welfare. First of all, getting the President to read a 588-page equivalent to a Never-Ending Story Post-It note is like getting a college student to read Mein Kampf (don’t do it- Nazi books are un-American and unbearably long. I mean, Hitler could’ve summed it up in one sentence- “Jews suck and I’m kind of crazy from all the mustard gas I inhaled.”) And if the conclusion doesn’t appear on the same page as the first sentence, of course they’re going to reject it. Maybe the Administration would have agreed to anything the EPA wanted if they had said, “Greenhouse gases make people go pukey-puke and we can’t let the illegal Mexicans take any more janitorial jobs, so we have to reduce all the greenhouse gas stuff.” Even a third-grader could figure that out.
I’m not very good at math, but I think this means that the President only accomplished one thing…

[Lola.]

oh my god.

Florida is not known for only retired Jews and Disney World anymore. You can now go back 2000 years and walk with the J-man himself in ancient Jerusalem, Monday-Saturday between 10am and 6pm (they take Sundays off for Temple/Church like good little Jews/Catholics (circle whichever applies best)). At the Holy Land Experience, you can learn about Jesus’ “ministry, His life, death, and resurrection” through “original musical productions.” You don’t have to visit Israel anymore! It’s way cheaper to visit a theme park than buying airfare and having to sit on a plane for hours (plus, theme park bathrooms are bigger than on an airplane), and they have a singing Jesus! They even have special events, such as open Bible Study nights (like an open mic night with the Bible in place of comedians) and special guest presentations. Too bad my birthday is on a Sunday this year, because I really wanted to go and learn things that nine years of Catholic school and watching Dogma never taught me.
Oh my god, indeed.

[Lola.]

don't hate bush.

To show the world how much he cares about immigrants (the legal kind), President Bush helped swear in new citizens on the Fourth of July. During the ceremony, the President said many kind-hearted words (pronounced correctly, too), such as “…I will be honored to call you a fellow American” (“But I dunno how to say your name. Can I just call you Bob?”). A group of hecklers disrupted the ceremony a few times, yelling out “War criminal!”, “Impeach Bush, amend the Constitution!”, and “It’s not easy being green!” Obviously, Kermit the frog was there as well. Although all this Bush-hating was going on, the President did a little useful improvisation for the first time in eight years and replied with, “To my fellow citizens-to-be, we believe in freedom of speech in the United States of America.” Nice save, sir, nice save.
(Note to self: take away that speechy freedom before I’m out. Heh heh heh.)

[Lola.]

let them eat yellow cake.

US officials went on a secret mission to take away all 550 metric tons of yellow cake out of Iraq (it’s not so secret anymore). We took every single slice of delicious, moist, possibly frosting-covered yellow cake from a country that we’re most likely going to be renting for a while longer. Now what are our troops and maybe some civilians supposed to eat, Devil’s Food Cake? No way. Kirsten Dunst didn’t tell the French to eat Devil’s Food Cake. And what’s worse is that the Iraqis sold their baked goods to Canada for “tens of millions of dollars.” Canada. The only thing they’re known for is Ginger Ale and those guys who wear red jackets and ride horses. I’ve heard of outsourcing jobs to India, but outsourcing bakeries to Canadians is just ridiculous. Although this was Saddam Hussein’s secret horde of yellow cake, there’s nothing to be scared about; it’s just cake. Iraqi officials said that they were “worried the cache would reach insurgents or smugglers crossing to Iran.” I took a psychology class once, and I think they were just being paranoid. … Oh wait. There’s no space between “yellow” and “cake” in the article. Oh shit. The secret mission was to take out “yellowcake”, meaning Uranium, not “yellow cake”. Oops.

[Lola.]

so, two germans walk into a bar...

I can't finish that joke because there is nothing funny about Germans (except for the word "wienerschnitzel").
A German couple "jokingly" put their baby up for auction on eBay, starting the bid at one Euro. One Euro! That's, like, almost two dollars (even a poor college student could afford a baby)! The couple wanted to "sell" their baby because he was being too noisy (duct tape usually does the trick). What kind of joke is that? Germans are messed up (I've hidden my German passport out of shame). In America, it's hillarious to make someone believe that their million dollar home is being repossessed, to be kicked in the balls repeatedly by a midget, and to pull outhouses apart while a person sits on the toilet, but it is never funny to sell a child on eBay (amazon.com is a different story).
For all you Germans who will ever try to make another joke, das ist verboten! Nicht scherzt!

[Lola.]