let the polling season begin!

There was a poll taken recently- how surprising!- about which Candidate parents would rather have teach their children. Of course, Mr. Obama was the winner. I would much rather have a teacher full of charisma, hope, and possible terrorism than one who would fall asleep during reading time and tell the class that the fundamentals of their education are strong when nobody gets a passing grade. On the first day of class, Mr. Obama would probably have the children write down what kind of change they believe in to get to know his students better. Mr. McCain… well, he’d be taking a nap. A supporter of Mr. Obama said that he could see him as a better teacher because “Obama has a little more of an open mind, maybe because he's a black man.” … Assuming all black men are more open-minded? However, there are still Mr. McCain supporters, who claim that he would be a great teacher because he “bounced back from his captivity during the Vietnam War.” He has chairs in seven houses now. I didn’t have a chair once at a birthday party, but nobody heard me complaining about it. It’s a chair. Mr. McCain could’ve sat on the floor; he didn’t have to stand the entire five and a half years.
Another poll suggested that people would also rather watch a football game (that’s “football” in the real sense of the word, not the one said with a funny accent) with Mr. Obama. Remember what happened the last time we picked a President we’d like to have a beer with? Polling people need to be a little more careful and maybe have a warning label on the front- “When voting in the real world, make sure you vote for the Candidate you would like to run your country, not one you would play beer pong with.”
Who the hell comes up with these polls anyway? They need to be slapped, and not in a good way.

[Lola.]

she is on a long leash.

Sarah Palin has been campaigning by herself for the last few days, and I hope Mr. McCain knows what he’s getting himself into, letting a woman do things on her own like that. Doing what she does best (making Baked Alaskas?), the lovely lady did a little Obama-bashing, as it’s called by Republicans (yes, I made that up). She said that Mr. Obama will “raise income taxes and raise payroll taxes and raise investment income taxes and raise business taxes and raise the death tax.” Wow, I didn’t even know we had that many taxes and didn’t need to use commas anymore. Everything I learned about grammar in sixth grade has just been flushed down the proverbial toilet because of one sentence… Mrs. Palin claims that she and Mr. McCain would do things differently, because that’s not how you’re supposed to “grow the economy.” (She must know a lot about economy-growing because she can see Russia from her house.) Also, people need to leave her alone about the Bridge to Nowhere issue, because it’s impossible to have a bridge that leads to nowhere. Unless, of course, Nowhere is the name of a town, but that would be silly. Besides, if she doesn’t mention the fact that she wanted a bridge that led to nowhere before turning down the offer, that must mean she didn’t really want it in the first place. If she doesn’t want to talk about it, it’s her little secret. And the media’s. And Alaska’s. … And everyone else who knows about it.
Oh, I like my logic too.

[Lola.]

seven things to watch.

Some dude on Yahoo News said that we need to watch seven things as the Presidential Race kicks off (like a horse race, but not). He mentions the housing market, something about Mr. Obama being in pain- I have a band-aid, Palin is at a peak of some kind, Mr. Biden is cursed (that’s what you get for stealing from King Tut’s tomb), and Mr. McCain’s eruption (…).
I’m bored already. Here are seven things that I believe we should be watching during the next two months:

1. Heroes season three. Villains! If you didn’t think the show could get any better, the fact that it’s all about evil and explosions and stuff will make the bad-assity levels insurmountable.
2. America’s Next Top Model season eleven. Is it season eleven? Or fourteen? It may have even surpassed the amount of Land Before Times. But there’s a tranny in it this season.
3. My hair color. It changes every six weeks, so keep an eye on it.
4. The Presidential candidates’ debates. I hope someone asks what Mr. Obama’s favorite color is. I am dying to know.
5. The housing prices. Only if there’s nothing better on TV.
6. That commercial with Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates walking in the parking lot and Seinfeld is eating a churro. Bill Gates shakes his booty at the end.
7. The prices of girly drinks. If they keep going up in price, I will refuse to turn twenty-one next July thirteenth (I’m telling you so you’ll buy me presents, by the way).

[Lola.]

tut tut, it smells like an invasion!

The Olympics have been over for, what, two weeks? And now there’s something in the news about Russia vs. Georgia (that makes it sound like professional wrestlers). Like the sharing, kind-hearted, eager-to-help nation we are, the government is sending out a great man who will spread hope and support poor Georgia, and now Ukraine, against their conflict with Russia. No, that man is not Barack Obama. Not yet. It is Dick Cheney, who is known for his warmth and… oh, fuck it. Sending Dick Cheney into a war zone is just begging for trouble. Georgia is asking to be shot in the face. With our luck, our still-President Bush and his cohorts will somehow come up with a reason as to why we need to protect and stabilize Georgia and Ukraine’s borders ourselves.
Actually, here are the President's three reasons why we should go in ourselves:
1. Nobody can find countries on a map. Therefore, we can invade anywhere in the world- especially Mexico- and for all the rest of the country knows, we’re in a district in Baghdad.
2. They don’t have Wal-Marts. Actually, I don’t know if they do. But if they don’t have a Wal-Mart over in Georgia, they need one. And even if there is already one, it needs to be bigger. Yeah.
3. Everybody in that Russia-area have the same names. They’re all “Stravinsky” and “Smirnov” and “Ivanov” and stuff. I have no idea how to pronounce them either. Russians and Georgians need normaler names, like “Jones” and “Smith”. Now those are good, patriotic last names.
4. Oh, and, uh, they're still Communist.
Case closed. Good luck to whoever has to get us out of this one in January.

[Lola.]