ooold.

The Democrats are taking a break from the “war room” for the next few days just for the Republican National Convention, and did you know that Mr. McCain’s mother is still alive? And I thought he was old… Sorry, I’m getting off-track. I shouldn’t talk about old people’s ridiculously old mothers when there’s already so much to discuss about the RNC (I’m just kidding, it’s probably as boring and lifeless as Mr. McCain). The Republicans cancelled all of the political speeches that were supposed to go on tomorrow, including our current President (Bush, not Obama. It’s not November yet) and his evil minion who goes by the name ‘Dick Cheney’, and Mr. McCain’s mother is really saggy. The Democrats were also supposed to hold a “More of the Same” protest- are they French?- during Monday’s speeches, but alas, there is no point in protesting at an empty building (unless they are, indeed, French).
I’m sorry, Mrs. McCain, for saying mean things about how old you are. It can’t be helped that you are the mother of someone who is as old as dirt. My condolences.

[Lola.]

ewww.

I walked downstairs this morning with the worst headache imaginable. I realized why my head was about to split when I noticed that someone had left the television on Fox News. Before I scrambled to change the channel, I noticed that Mr. McCain had just announced who he picked for Vice President: a female. Thank god it wasn’t that creep (Mr. Lieberman), but… a woman? Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska is the complete opposite of Mr. McCain: she’s young, relatively good-looking, and only has two years of experience as Governor and a few years as a former mayor. What was he thinking (“What kind of underwear do the kids wear these days?”), choosing a good-looking female with none of the necessary experience that nobody outside of Alaska knows about?
… No, she wouldn’t go for Mr. McCain. … Would she?

[Lola.]

hey, old people!

Mr. McCain is finally going to make a decision, and even announce it! I wonder how many naps he had to take in order to come to a conclusion. On Friday, he’s going to announce who his running mate will be. I doubt he’ll be able to send out text messages, reason being he can barely understand how to write an e-mail (Mr. McCain tries to use a pen), but his supporters probably can’t use cell phones anyway (old people+technology=disaster). The big question is: “Who is it?” We won’t know for a while, and seeing as Mr. McCain said on Wednesday during an interview, “I haven't decided yet so I can't tell you,” he probably still doesn’t even know either. He was obviously trying to be coy, but there is a fine line between being coy and sounding like an ass. I just hope that Mr. McCain doesn’t pick Mr. Lieberman. I think he’s Dick Cheney’s protégé in creep training.

[Lola.]

you thought it couldn't get more awkward...

Sometimes I wonder what’s going on inside politicians’ heads when they make decisions, but thanks to the internet I usually can get something out of the staged interviews. One thing that hasn’t made any sense to me for a long time (since yesterday, really), is what the hell is Mr. Obama thinking? What’s he doing, letting Hillary speak at the Democratic National Convention tonight? I didn’t actually read the article that talks about it, but the point is made very clear in the headline (if the President can get away with only looking at headlines, so can I): Mr. Obama wants Hillary to address the Convention. He thinks that will ease the tension with her supporters who don’t want another penis in the oval office. Tomorrow during a role call to decide the Nomination, her supporters are also allowed to cast her name in for the vote. What? What? If Mr. Obama’s doing this to get Hillary’s army-- supporters, to turn to him… well, they might turn to him with the sort of rage in their eyes that only Hillary supporters are capable of having without burning a house down (if you thought I was going to say “burning cross”, you’re possibly racist). Regardless of why he’s being so chivalrous and letting Hillary receive pity votes, there’s no way this plan could backfire.
Right?

[Lola.]

hello, biden!

Remember when Mr. Obama said that he wanted a running mate who would “challenge his thinking”? (It’s okay, I didn’t know that either.) Well, he’s officially sent out the mass text messages telling us that he’s picked Sen. Joe Biden as his running mate. For those of you who had no idea who this guy was until now, Sen. Biden is really old and known for how often words come out of his mouth… which is all the time. Sen. Biden will gladly challenge Mr. Obama, seeing as not too long ago he stated that he believed Mr. Obama was “not yet ready” to become President. But, you know, we can be adults and push all of it aside now that they’re going to be best friends for a very long time. Sen. Biden is not the most politically correct person I’ve never met, but he could make some money in the comedy business. He once defended his argument that “you cannot go to a 7-Eleven or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent.” Oh, how true. I always have to watch Bollywood films to perfect my fake accent when I go into Dunkin’ Donuts for a delicious iced coffee, otherwise they won’t serve me (I’m even offended by me). Sen. Biden has also been known to “spin flowery praise one moment and biting fulmination the next.”
Oh my god, he’s a woman.

[Lola.]

the voice told me to.

Dear Congressman John Porter,

I received a phone call today while I was watching America’s Next Top Model (it’s for boosting my self-esteem), and an automated message told me to pass on a message to you. Being the little American sheep that I am, I wrote down everything the machine said and decided writing you a letter that I’d never send would be more anonymous (what was I thinking putting it up here?). The automated message told me that we are in an economic recession- that’s news to me- and you need to pay attention to us. Apparently, and I have no idea where the robot got this idea from, our government is borrowing billions of dollars from China to finance our debt (Chine doesn’t even use American dollars--- yet). We also spend trillions of dollars in rebuilding Baghdad instead of Nevada. I personally don’t see the problem, sir, since we’re building new condos and imploding casinos to rebuild them everyday, but I’m just letting you know what the voice told me. So, the point of this whole letter was to inform you to “focus on the economic recession and the needs of Nevada’s working families.” Whatever that means.

Sincerely,
[Lola.]

a riddle.

What has large, hairy feet and has been found dead recently?
The answer: Bigfoot (not a hobbit).
Four guys reported what could potentially be the last sighting ever of Bigfoot, dead in Georgia. For anyone who might be confused, I’m talking about the Georgia that once flew (still flies) the Confederate flag. The men say that it’s the “real deal”, but some doubt still lingers in my mind. I find myself, and many others, asking, “Why Georgia?” It would make more sense to find a big hairy monster closer to the Canadian border than in sweet tea country. We won’t know if Bigfoot really bit the dust until scientists perform the autopsy later in the week, but I am a bit unsure if anyone will really care until the Olympics are over (which reminds me- does anyone have Michael Phelps’ number?). Well, once the Olympics are over, we’ll worry about the war between Russia and Georgia (ex-Russian Georgia), and then the Election, and maybe Bigfoot. Maybe.
Um… my condolences to the family and friends of Bigfoot. I’ll send a fruit basket.

[Lola.]

the slightly chilled war part 2: brrr.

Who’s already forgotten about the war between Russia and Georgia? Don’t worry about it; still-President Bush kind of keeps up with the news- he reads headlines. He recently said, “The world has watched with alarm as Russia invaded a sovereign neighboring state.” The world has been watching, but only while commercials are on every single channel that has the Olympics. I mean, come on, who doesn’t want to see the incredibly buff, fantastically American and sexy-voiced Michael Phelps accept his thirtieth gold medal with a wet towel around his neck (I swear I’m not biased)? The summer Olympics only happen every four years. Russia invades countries practically every day. Our President also mentioned how important it is for America to “ensure that an embattled democracy seeking to stand with us remains sovereign, secure, and undivided”. He is so right. We have to help out our world neighbors in any way possible. But something smells funny…
It kind of smells like… Iraq, Afghanistan, and possibly- before President Bush moves out- Iran. Weird…

[Lola.]

the slightly chilled war.

We may be on the verge of another World War! Oh golly, aren’t you excited? Russia and Georgia (not the Georgia with southern accents) began fighting over land again today, opening multiple battle fronts (the Russian Front is now open for business). The Russian military decided to take back the land that they rightfully already took in the good old days of the Soviet Union- I think we used to call that kind of people “Indian givers”- and worked their way to Ossetia, which has been disputed between the two for… well, I don’t know a thing about Russian history, so we’ll say since forever (dinosaursky vs. Mr. McCainsky). Russians are also taking over Senaki, Gori, Abkhazia, and any other unpronounceable Eastern European names you can think of. One would think that Russia would get sick of stealing the same land over and over, but I suppose that when things go “boom”, someone’s getting a kick out of it (like Iron Man. That movie was bad-ass). The Georgian Prime Minister accused Russia of “ethnic cleansing”, to which Russia, as usual, denies having any kind of military force there (next time they’re going to deny being on the same continent). The best part of it all- which is the greatest thing someone could say during their last few months in office- is that our beloved, still President Bush basically said that he’s on Georgia’s side (again, Sir, we’re talking about the Georgia that belonged to Russia, not the one that drinks sweet tea).

[Lola.]