Because Mrs. Clinton still is.
It proves that regardless of the public opinion that she should drop out of the race like everybody else seems to be doing (you’re so close to becoming President, Mr. Nader!), the woman doesn’t know how to give up. Ah, just like a woman. I feel all warm and fuzzy inside knowing that, just like me, a female, Mrs. Clinton is a stubborn bitch. I feel so close to her now, like we’re best friends or something. Ma’am, since we’re practically besties now, can I call you Hilly? And when I’m talking about both you and your charming husband, can I merge your names and call you “Hill-Billy”? :)
Speaking of Hill-Billy, the second half recently said that “There's no better way to tell Hillary that you support her staying in than to make a contribution to her campaign.” Meaning: “Give us your money, and nobody gets hurt by my robot wife.” Gosh, golly, gee wiz, what a great best friend I have! Sorry Jane, you’re out, Hilly’s in. She’s got random people sending her checks, and… well, all you’re really good for is giggles. Sorry, man. I need a best friend with money constantly flowing in, who’s stubborn, bitchy, and possibly a robot.
This just in: proof that Hilly really is a robot! I swear to god, I’m not making this up. While in Indiana, my new bestie told us, “I think this election, particularly here in Indiana, is about jobs, jobs, jobs, jobs, jobs, jobs.” Obviously, a chip in her robot brain malfunctioned for a few moments, causing the woman to repeat the final word in her statement five times more than necessary. Case closed.
I also have a theory regarding our African-American friend, Mr. Obama. He has brought back Ken Kesey’s Acid Test parties from the sixties; doing a six-day tour in a possibly psychedelic bus throughout Pennsylvania (they’re pretty crazy up there). Mr. Obama was also playing with a Slinky in a wire factory, so the man must’ve been tripping off of something illegal. Can you smell that? It’s the scent of freedom-laced Kool-Aid.
Remember, don’t drink the pink punch.
[Lola.]
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
ring ring, ring ring, ring ring.
“Hello? … No, this is not Domino’s. … … … No, no, sir, no. We do not do any special $5 pizza deals here. … Sir, no. Sir, please. … This is the White House! Why are you calling the White House telephone at 3:00 in the goddamn morning?! … Sir, I assure you, everything’s fine. … … … … No, I have no clue what pizza place would be delivering at 3:00 in the morning. … What? … No! … No, this is the White House emergency line. Goddammit!!”
We all remember Mrs. Clinton’s 3AM phone call commercial. I mean, come on, who could forget it, especially after she said that Mr. Obama, our cuddly little African American friend, “would just let the phone ring and ring”? But if you remember as correctly as I do, it took her six rings to answer the phone. Six rings. If it was really an emergency, someone would’ve been killed by then. I learned in retail that it’s best to let it ring twice, so that you can casually pick up the phone without seeming desperate for a sale, or too laid back. You see, if she were to answer the phone on the first ring, it’d seem like she was waiting for an emergency, or even anticipated one, which would stir controversy. But the sixth ring… seriously, how long does it take to roll out of bed and pick up the phone? I’m pretty sure it’s probably right next to the President’s bed. I’m also pretty sure, seeing as Mr. Obama is a cool guy, that he’d answer on the preferable second ring to start a chillaxed conversation/negotiation for someone’s life.
Now, I’ve heard that there’s a sort of economic “crisis” going on in our country. Well, the word “crisis” is far too scary to use, so maybe we should call it an “issue” to ease the tension. As assholish (I’m copywriting that word) as it may sound, this little economic issue couldn’t have come at a better time. What a great way for our candidates to lie about what they’re going to do for us! Mr. Obama is “planning” on “urging” the government to watch the financial market better and giving it a $30 billion stimulus package (that sounds dirty), Mrs. Clinton “proposed” $2.5 billion retraining program for jobs, and loveable Mr. McCain isn't planning on doing shit. At least the old man’s honest (again, I apologize for thinking you were practically a corpse, sir! Just let me know what kind of sugar-free cheesecake you want!). Everyone’s been getting on the old man’s case about not wanting the government involved in helping out with our issue, but give him some slack. If that man becomes our next President, we do not want to piss him off. The government gave us freedom, and it can take freedom away and give it to someone else. Like, the more appreciative people in Iraq/Iran/wherever else our beloved President Bush decides to spread democracy within his last year (remember him? Yeah, he's still running our country). Hey, I’d rather have someone tell me that they don’t feel like doing a thing than being promised tons of money and job training that I know I’ll never really receive.
…Unless the other side is willing to bribe me… I accept checks, credit cards, cash, and Starbucks cards.
Oh, and by the way, watch out, Mormons! Mr. McCain is using Mr. Romney to get to you! … You’re welcome.
[Lola.]
We all remember Mrs. Clinton’s 3AM phone call commercial. I mean, come on, who could forget it, especially after she said that Mr. Obama, our cuddly little African American friend, “would just let the phone ring and ring”? But if you remember as correctly as I do, it took her six rings to answer the phone. Six rings. If it was really an emergency, someone would’ve been killed by then. I learned in retail that it’s best to let it ring twice, so that you can casually pick up the phone without seeming desperate for a sale, or too laid back. You see, if she were to answer the phone on the first ring, it’d seem like she was waiting for an emergency, or even anticipated one, which would stir controversy. But the sixth ring… seriously, how long does it take to roll out of bed and pick up the phone? I’m pretty sure it’s probably right next to the President’s bed. I’m also pretty sure, seeing as Mr. Obama is a cool guy, that he’d answer on the preferable second ring to start a chillaxed conversation/negotiation for someone’s life.
Now, I’ve heard that there’s a sort of economic “crisis” going on in our country. Well, the word “crisis” is far too scary to use, so maybe we should call it an “issue” to ease the tension. As assholish (I’m copywriting that word) as it may sound, this little economic issue couldn’t have come at a better time. What a great way for our candidates to lie about what they’re going to do for us! Mr. Obama is “planning” on “urging” the government to watch the financial market better and giving it a $30 billion stimulus package (that sounds dirty), Mrs. Clinton “proposed” $2.5 billion retraining program for jobs, and loveable Mr. McCain isn't planning on doing shit. At least the old man’s honest (again, I apologize for thinking you were practically a corpse, sir! Just let me know what kind of sugar-free cheesecake you want!). Everyone’s been getting on the old man’s case about not wanting the government involved in helping out with our issue, but give him some slack. If that man becomes our next President, we do not want to piss him off. The government gave us freedom, and it can take freedom away and give it to someone else. Like, the more appreciative people in Iraq/Iran/wherever else our beloved President Bush decides to spread democracy within his last year (remember him? Yeah, he's still running our country). Hey, I’d rather have someone tell me that they don’t feel like doing a thing than being promised tons of money and job training that I know I’ll never really receive.
…Unless the other side is willing to bribe me… I accept checks, credit cards, cash, and Starbucks cards.
Oh, and by the way, watch out, Mormons! Mr. McCain is using Mr. Romney to get to you! … You’re welcome.
[Lola.]
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
i'm so surprised! (that i spelled "surprised" right)
I just found out how old Mr. McCain really is. The man’s only seventy-two. I could’ve sworn he was, like, nearing one hundred-ish, seeing as he looks like he’s about to croak. Seventy-two! Mr. McCain sure is a young’un! Wow, I feel a little guilty now, more guilty than when I found out that Bono is only forty-two (I pegged him as sixty-four). I’m so sorry, Mr. McCain. If I ever meet you, I’ll buy you a diabetic cheesecake to make up for this little misunderstanding (assuming that all old people can’t have sugar). Don’t worry! You’re still ripe and fresh, like a side order of bacon at Denny’s!
Anyway, I was reading up on what Yahoo! calls “Campaign ‘08”, as I am one to do, and I came across something so… so profound, so innovative, something I’d never think of myself. “McCain… would be the oldest first-term U.S. president. Clinton would be the first female president; Obama would be the first black president and one of the youngest.” (from What will happen to losers of White House race? by Thomas Ferraro)
Oh my god, who would’ve known? Certainly only those horrible people who looked up our little buddies’ passport files! I’m still mad at you guys. You don’t do shit like that. It’s just rude. Sorry, I’m so offensible* sometimes. But, damn, Mr. McCain would be the oldest President in first-term history? Come on, I just told you he’s not that old. Seventy-two’s a great age for taking Viagra. And Mrs. Clinton, the first female President? Are you sure we haven’t had any before? … Jane tells me that she’s positive that all the others have been men, so I guess I have to believe her. Or, if you want the technical, politically correct term, "WASP". I usually call them old white dudes. And… wait. Wait a minute. … Mr. Obama’s black? Wow, thank god for Yahoo! news. I don’t know what I’d do without it, especially when the kids over at the Daily Show take a week off.
Mr. Ferraro says that whoever loses has to show some grace. Let me tell you, Mr. Ferraro, there is no such thing as losing. It hurts people’s incredibly sensitive feelings when you call them “losers” nowadays (except for Mrs. Clinton because she isn’t programmed to feel human emotions). They’re not “losers” if they don’t win the election. They’re “not quite winners”. So, Mr. John Kerry (how are you? I haven’t heard about you in years), Mr. Al Gore (congratulations on the Nobel Prize for global warming!), Mr. George McGovern (who are you?), and everyone else who’s ever lost an election, it’s okay; you’re just not quite winners :).
[Lola.]
*meaning: able to be offended easily.
synonym: easily offended.
antonym: not easily offended.
Anyway, I was reading up on what Yahoo! calls “Campaign ‘08”, as I am one to do, and I came across something so… so profound, so innovative, something I’d never think of myself. “McCain… would be the oldest first-term U.S. president. Clinton would be the first female president; Obama would be the first black president and one of the youngest.” (from What will happen to losers of White House race? by Thomas Ferraro)
Oh my god, who would’ve known? Certainly only those horrible people who looked up our little buddies’ passport files! I’m still mad at you guys. You don’t do shit like that. It’s just rude. Sorry, I’m so offensible* sometimes. But, damn, Mr. McCain would be the oldest President in first-term history? Come on, I just told you he’s not that old. Seventy-two’s a great age for taking Viagra. And Mrs. Clinton, the first female President? Are you sure we haven’t had any before? … Jane tells me that she’s positive that all the others have been men, so I guess I have to believe her. Or, if you want the technical, politically correct term, "WASP". I usually call them old white dudes. And… wait. Wait a minute. … Mr. Obama’s black? Wow, thank god for Yahoo! news. I don’t know what I’d do without it, especially when the kids over at the Daily Show take a week off.
Mr. Ferraro says that whoever loses has to show some grace. Let me tell you, Mr. Ferraro, there is no such thing as losing. It hurts people’s incredibly sensitive feelings when you call them “losers” nowadays (except for Mrs. Clinton because she isn’t programmed to feel human emotions). They’re not “losers” if they don’t win the election. They’re “not quite winners”. So, Mr. John Kerry (how are you? I haven’t heard about you in years), Mr. Al Gore (congratulations on the Nobel Prize for global warming!), Mr. George McGovern (who are you?), and everyone else who’s ever lost an election, it’s okay; you’re just not quite winners :).
[Lola.]
*meaning: able to be offended easily.
synonym: easily offended.
antonym: not easily offended.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
alert! alert!
There is a breach in the State Department! Oh my god… Oh my god!!
How the hell did something so catastrophic happen in our wonderful, incredibly rich, good-looking, currently single, powerful country?! I’m so frightened. I don’t know what to do. Is it appropriate to build a bomb shelter? I’m so nervous; I’m not quite sure how to put this gently…
The State Department gets a good number of their employees from two companies, Stanley Inc. and The Analysis Corp., but for the sake of anonymity, we’ll call them “Harvey” and “George”. Stan--- I mean, “Harvey” and “George”- have recently fired several employees for unauthorizationally (I’m copywriting that word) tapping into our favourite little candidates’ passport files. The--- “George”- caught someone taking a peek at Mr. Obama’s files- three times, mind you. … Oh, screw secret identities, no companies would be named something as ridiculous as “Harvey” and “George”. It’s not like our government keeps secrets, so why should I? The employees at Stanley Inc. and The Analysis Corp. checked out all three candidates’ files, but as I mentioned before, they looked at Mr. Obama’s two times more than Mrs. Clinton’s and Mr. McCain’s. How many glances does that make? Anybody? Fourth and eighth graders, I know you know the answer! Yes, just once for Mrs. Clinton and Mr. McCain, and three for Obama. Why? Because he’s possibly a terrorist. These files contain such important, super-secret information, that if it got into the hands of the enemy, it’d be dangerous unless we forget that waterboarding is out of the picture. Said information includes name, citizenship, age, birth date, and country of origin (Not Made in China). That type of stuff is not safe for the public to know.
What have we come to in this country? I mean, it was very polite of Condoleezza Rice to apologize. But is it enough that she will “stay on top of it, and get to the bottom of it”? (What an oxymoron.)
The answer: no.
[Lola.]
How the hell did something so catastrophic happen in our wonderful, incredibly rich, good-looking, currently single, powerful country?! I’m so frightened. I don’t know what to do. Is it appropriate to build a bomb shelter? I’m so nervous; I’m not quite sure how to put this gently…
The State Department gets a good number of their employees from two companies, Stanley Inc. and The Analysis Corp., but for the sake of anonymity, we’ll call them “Harvey” and “George”. Stan--- I mean, “Harvey” and “George”- have recently fired several employees for unauthorizationally (I’m copywriting that word) tapping into our favourite little candidates’ passport files. The--- “George”- caught someone taking a peek at Mr. Obama’s files- three times, mind you. … Oh, screw secret identities, no companies would be named something as ridiculous as “Harvey” and “George”. It’s not like our government keeps secrets, so why should I? The employees at Stanley Inc. and The Analysis Corp. checked out all three candidates’ files, but as I mentioned before, they looked at Mr. Obama’s two times more than Mrs. Clinton’s and Mr. McCain’s. How many glances does that make? Anybody? Fourth and eighth graders, I know you know the answer! Yes, just once for Mrs. Clinton and Mr. McCain, and three for Obama. Why? Because he’s possibly a terrorist. These files contain such important, super-secret information, that if it got into the hands of the enemy, it’d be dangerous unless we forget that waterboarding is out of the picture. Said information includes name, citizenship, age, birth date, and country of origin (Not Made in China). That type of stuff is not safe for the public to know.
What have we come to in this country? I mean, it was very polite of Condoleezza Rice to apologize. But is it enough that she will “stay on top of it, and get to the bottom of it”? (What an oxymoron.)
The answer: no.
[Lola.]
Friday, March 21, 2008
a new career.
As a result of what’s been going on lately, I’ve decided to pursue a career in politics just so I can run for President. I know, I know, I’d need to magically become a much more serious person. But I’m sure I can buy seriousness off of eBay. The race for the Presidential election seems like such a fun little game. Candidates get to call each other names for Christ’s sake! I remember being scolded as a child for saying that someone was stinky or calling a classmate a butt-muncher, so why not get a job where I won’t get in trouble for it? How many people can honestly say that they can call someone a bitch, tell a crowd that someone’s fake, make up ridiculous stories about someone being a terrorist, or say that a man is lucky not to be white? … Well, then again, Mitt Romney sure made some of us uncomfortable in being Caucasian when he shouted, “Who let the dogs out? Who? Who?” and commented on a baby’s “bling-bling”. But, hey, at least the man tried to reach out, even if it kinda made him seem like a racist cracker. Presidential candidates should try reaching out to all minorities like Mr. Romney, perhaps by rapping in Spanglish. Trust me, the kids will love it.
If you haven’t yet heard, Governor Richardson is now endorsing Mr. Obama, which will probably fuck it up for Clinton to gain Latino/Hispanic (circle your adjective of preference) voters. Getting someone to endorse you is like a bitchslap, and I love bitchslapping people. Well, maybe a bitchslap analogy isn’t right. I guess it’s like… it’s like calling someone a bitch, really.
Apparently, at least from what I hear, Mrs. Clinton and Mr. Obama have been playing some sort of game called “chicken” this entire time. If it’s what I’m thinking of, it’s pretty violent, yet strangely amusing. Is that the game you play in the pool with two teams, one person sitting on the other’s shoulders, and you beat the shit out of each other until one falls down? I hope so; that’s the kind of political debate I’d like to join in. I am the chicken queen! I don’t ever recall being defeated in a game of chicken. But then again, the Democratic candidacy race has also been compared to a staring contest. I suck at those. How sad would it be to lose the race because you blink? That sure does not sound like fun to me, so we’ll keep referring to it as a game of chicken.
So, in the end, when I push those bastards into the shallow end of the pool and win, I just pray to every divine being out there that I don’t get caught with a hooker.
[Lola.]
If you haven’t yet heard, Governor Richardson is now endorsing Mr. Obama, which will probably fuck it up for Clinton to gain Latino/Hispanic (circle your adjective of preference) voters. Getting someone to endorse you is like a bitchslap, and I love bitchslapping people. Well, maybe a bitchslap analogy isn’t right. I guess it’s like… it’s like calling someone a bitch, really.
Apparently, at least from what I hear, Mrs. Clinton and Mr. Obama have been playing some sort of game called “chicken” this entire time. If it’s what I’m thinking of, it’s pretty violent, yet strangely amusing. Is that the game you play in the pool with two teams, one person sitting on the other’s shoulders, and you beat the shit out of each other until one falls down? I hope so; that’s the kind of political debate I’d like to join in. I am the chicken queen! I don’t ever recall being defeated in a game of chicken. But then again, the Democratic candidacy race has also been compared to a staring contest. I suck at those. How sad would it be to lose the race because you blink? That sure does not sound like fun to me, so we’ll keep referring to it as a game of chicken.
So, in the end, when I push those bastards into the shallow end of the pool and win, I just pray to every divine being out there that I don’t get caught with a hooker.
[Lola.]
Friday, March 7, 2008
future predictions.
I’m only a part-time psychic, so don’t blame me if I’m wrong. Ever. Because the word “lame” is in “blame”, and you don't want to be lame, now, do you?
Since the Democrats still don’t know what the fuck is going on, and they probably won’t until Election Day (“Surprise! Guess who you can vote for today!”), I’ll just talk about both of our little Democratic buddies so nobody gets upset and cries that I left anyone out. If Mr. Obama wins the Presidential Election, he’ll probably get shot. Lots of black people end up getting shot, like rappers and gang members. Remember, President Lincoln was shot, and he wasn’t even close to being black, but he did like black people. And if you’ve forgotten your wonderful American history, it wasn’t smart to let white folks know that you liked black people. That’s what got you shot back in those pre-Civil War days.
So, moving on, if Mrs. Clinton becomes President, as stated truthfully by Stephen Colbert, she’ll start a lesbian witch covenant and take over the world with her lesbian witch baby army. He also said something about turkey basters, but we won’t go there. Plus, she’s a psycho robot bitch. I honestly believe that Mrs. Clinton is a robot. Why hasn’t she cried again? Because she doesn’t want her robot eyes to rust. Case closed.
Mr. McCain… what to say about Mr. McCain…? To start, he’s an old white guy. And when I say old, I mean he’s probably about to die. We’ve had a long history of old white guys as our Presidents. So he’ll either be in office for a few days before croaking, or he’ll have a massive sex scandal involving Hungarian prostitutes and be impeached. And he won’t be the only one in the situation who’s fucked. We all will be.
So, we have a possible shooting, a possible lesbian witch army, and a possible death and/or sex scandal.
That leaves us with one choice, and my spidey senses tell me that this is ultimately what’s going to happen.
Ralph Nader will win the Presidential Election.
Seriously. The man’s been trying since, what, 1900? Fate will just cut him some slack, the other candidates are going to drop out of the race, and then Mr. Nader will finally be our man.
[Lola.]
Since the Democrats still don’t know what the fuck is going on, and they probably won’t until Election Day (“Surprise! Guess who you can vote for today!”), I’ll just talk about both of our little Democratic buddies so nobody gets upset and cries that I left anyone out. If Mr. Obama wins the Presidential Election, he’ll probably get shot. Lots of black people end up getting shot, like rappers and gang members. Remember, President Lincoln was shot, and he wasn’t even close to being black, but he did like black people. And if you’ve forgotten your wonderful American history, it wasn’t smart to let white folks know that you liked black people. That’s what got you shot back in those pre-Civil War days.
So, moving on, if Mrs. Clinton becomes President, as stated truthfully by Stephen Colbert, she’ll start a lesbian witch covenant and take over the world with her lesbian witch baby army. He also said something about turkey basters, but we won’t go there. Plus, she’s a psycho robot bitch. I honestly believe that Mrs. Clinton is a robot. Why hasn’t she cried again? Because she doesn’t want her robot eyes to rust. Case closed.
Mr. McCain… what to say about Mr. McCain…? To start, he’s an old white guy. And when I say old, I mean he’s probably about to die. We’ve had a long history of old white guys as our Presidents. So he’ll either be in office for a few days before croaking, or he’ll have a massive sex scandal involving Hungarian prostitutes and be impeached. And he won’t be the only one in the situation who’s fucked. We all will be.
So, we have a possible shooting, a possible lesbian witch army, and a possible death and/or sex scandal.
That leaves us with one choice, and my spidey senses tell me that this is ultimately what’s going to happen.
Ralph Nader will win the Presidential Election.
Seriously. The man’s been trying since, what, 1900? Fate will just cut him some slack, the other candidates are going to drop out of the race, and then Mr. Nader will finally be our man.
[Lola.]
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