my mom never told me that.

Since when were there any black Republicans? Whenever I search "Republican" on Google Images (is that creepy?), photos of grumpy, stuck-up, old white guys pop up. I mean no offense, of course- I love African Americans. I have a lot of black friends (well, maybe five. But that's five more than some people). African Americans can do whatever they want, including being members of a political party that historically wasn't very keen on "miorities" (notice that quotations around minorities, showing that I don't consider blacks minor).
After stumbling upon that somewhat shocking news, I learned that many black Republicans are torn between voting for Mr. Obama (I friended him on Myspace!!) and Mr. McCain (does he even know how to turn a computer on?). Black Republicans are at the very least considering Mr. Obama... because... he's black. A black Republican named Rep. JC Watts agrees with me, saying, "I wouldn't just vote for a Republican candidate just because they are Republican, no more than I would vote for a black candidate just because they're black." ... Um, my point exactly.
Although, the Chairman of the National Black Republican Association, Frances Rice, claims that Democrats were all members of the KKK and hates the blacks. I'd hate to burst her bubble (I'm not a fan of bubble-bursting), but everyone was a Klan member back in the day. The Klan would probably burn down other white people's houses if they didn't.
So, which is it- chocolate or prune?

[Lola.]

frogger makes me want to hop in front of traffic.

I'm a very understanding person (... well, moreso than Hillary). I can sympathize with kids who say that their parents drive them to drinking, or that writers can only work when not sober (Democrats aren't the only ones who enjoy smoke-filled rooms). But blaming violence on a videogame, that's just plain stupid (Teddy Ruxpin is a whole other story).
A group of teenagers in Long Island beat up some kid in a parkinglot and took his wallet, then hijacked a car with a baseball bat, a crowbar, and a broomstick (that's almost as badass as Mary Poppins). They claimed that they were inspired by Grand Theft Auto. I claim "bullshit". Kids nowadays (other than fourth and eighth graders) don't realize how stupid they are. If you have a spark of genius and decide to beat the shit out of someone, take all the credit for yourself (like Vanilla Ice when he stole Under Pressure) and run. Especially the running part. "A videogame made me do it" is like saying, "Hi, I will still be living in my mommy's basement when I'm 40, fat, and have acne on my back."
Besides, if everyone starts putting the blame for their actions on videogames, the Government will eventually take away our freedom to blast shark-aliens' heads off in a blood bath of light-sabers and mountain dew. It's the only freedom Americans have left. Don't take that freedom away from us, you meddling kids.

[Lola.]

president lincoln, back me up.

Recently, a millionaire from New York (of course) was sentenced to eleven years in prison for “forced labor, conspiracy, involuntary servitude and harboring aliens”. Varsha Sabhnani (with a name like that, she should know a thing or two about aliens) and her husband were practically treating their two Indonesian workers like slaves for the last several years. I’m no history buff (oh wait, I am), but I think that slavery has been illegal since before President Lincoln’s assassination--- actually, slavery was illegal in the North long before we got to the South (secession is a terrible thing to waste). Get with the program, lady. I know you’re not that old (but you do look man-ish), but beating people for “sleeping late or stealing food from trash bins because they were poorly fed” is something that would’ve happened in the 1800’s, not 2007. And don’t play the “indentured servant” card with me; I know that was replaced by slavery way before Mr. McCain was even in college (I, however, can use the “McCain is old” card whenever I please). So I’m sure that if President Lincoln was here today, he’d bitch slap you and write a second Emancipation Proclamation. Apparently, though, Sabhnani was once “a woman who spent a lifetime doing good deeds.” I wonder what happened to her since then. Did she go on a Fox News binge?

[Lola.]

keep it up.

Apparently, nobody who works at a chicken ranch read my advice on how to recession-proof your career. Tisk, tisk, pleasure providers. You deserve a slap on the wrist (if you thought of something other than “wrist”, you’re a pervert). If you aren’t aware, Nevada allows prostitution in counties with a population of less than 400,000 people, which are generally the ones (where toothless Joe and his rifle reside) that are in the middle of nowhere. Because of the rising gas prices, fewer customers are willing to drive to the somewhat creepier parts of the state just for some expensive “fun time” (“booty”). Some brothels are now giving away free $50 gas cards to their customers to help keep up business (stuff it, car dealerships!) because they understand how much it blows to pay almost $5 a gallon. Others have a special deal. It’s possibly the most patriotic notion anyone has ever come up with-- actually, I think it’s neck-and-neck with the car dealership commercial that has a terrible Barack Obama impersonator saying, “Yes you can!”-- and it’s the perfect economic stimulus package (it’s even named after our good friend President Bush--- no, it’s not what you’re thinking). If a customer enters the brothel with their early/late/on-time birthday check from the President, the customers receives, as we’d say in the retail world, a sort of buy one-get one of equal value free deal. What a way to stimulate a package.

[Lola.]

starsky & hutch 2: sarkozy and bush in action!

President Bush (yes, he is still living in that big White House) has now become a great friend of French Prime Minister Nicolas Sarkozy, because of one simple fact: they both dislike Iran. Recently, Iran declined an offer of civilian nuclear power from the European Union and the United States in exchange for stopping their artistic uranium-enriching projects. First of all, all History majors know that it’s a bad idea to align with the French because they tend to give up in the middle of a fight (Sarkozy doesn’t even sound French, but it’s safe to assume that he surrenders like one), so what the hell is the President doing (other than nothing in particular)? And plus, they’re going about it all wrong. According to old movies I’ve seen (and racist assumptions that I’ve heard), Arabic people like concubines. We should’ve offered Iran women in exchange for them giving up Uranium. I know for a fact that when you’re dealing with foreigners, you have to do things their way (and enrich the Uranium yourself?).
President Bush and Prime Minister Sarkozy discussed their feelings during a cozy little dinner at Elysee Palace. Seeing as Mr. Sarkozy is most likely a French elitist (the worst kind of elitist, by the way), their candlelight supper probably consisted of several courses including escargot, foie gras, filet mignon, soup du jour, baguettes, and lots of other French-sounding foods. Sometime during that romantic night out, the President said, “… We want the Iranian people to flourish and benefit.” He probably means it in the exact same way that Iraq has flourished and benefitted from the five-year-long party we’ve been throwing over there.
Who’s up for some international beer pong (when I say “beer pong”, I mean “bomb pong”)?

[Lola.]

are you recession-proofed?

Someone’s told me before how helpful some of my tips are (when I say “someone”, I mean “I told myself”), so I figured I’ll give you some more of my oh-so-enlightening advice. I recently came across a career quiz that’s supposed to help make sure the readers won’t get fired because of the… recession… god, it hurt to say that word. Here are some excerpts to see if we’re on track with not getting laid off (I said “laid”).
I am usually the most positive person in the room. The glass is half-fucking-full.
I have joined a social networking site (Linkedin, Facebook, etc.), and consistently invite people to link with me. Only bands and sixteen-year-old scene boys friend me back, though.
I have volunteered for a project outside my area of responsibility. I volunteer at Freemont Street every week-end.
I have expanded my knowledge base by recently taking a course or seminar that broadens my skills. Jewelry Making 101.
I read at least three new professional journals, magazines or books every quarter to expand my ability to be a resource for new ideas. Cosmo, Rolling Stone, and Sailor Moon novels.
I know where I'd like to be in five years. Yeah, not here.
Then you add up points (I have no idea where the numbers come from), and depending on your score, you’re either keeping your job or you’re fucked (I am helpful). Here’s the breakdown:
0-5: You're fired.
6-10: You're being let go.
11-15: You’re a tool. Nobody likes you.
16-20: Congratulations! You’re a narcissistic, ass-kissing, goody-two-shoes and everybody at work hates you. Actually, everyone in general hates you, even your mom. You’re recession-proofing yourself well. But, still, nobody likes you.
Here’s my advice: don’t get your ass fired.

[Lola.]

(so MSN doesn’t sue me: http://msn.careerbuilder.com/custom/msn/careeradvice/viewarticle.aspx?articleid=1531&SiteId=cbmsnhp41531&sc_extcmp=JS_1531_home1&GT1=23000&cbRecursionCnt=1&cbsid=88c090282bb3498082622bbe18ae92d2-266361625-J7-5)

how to win people over in ten days.

It’s been said that Mr. Obama will be able to “woo Clinton supporters” in order to defeat Mr. McCain in the General Election (just don’t wake him up and he’ll miss the whole thing). Mr. Obama needs to just let the people know that he’s the exact opposite of Mr. McCain- he wants universal health care, no gas tax holidays, and is not that old. Hillary is even planning on helping out Mr. Obama to gain her followers’ trust (that makes it sound like a cult), which shouldn’t take much, because all she has to do is tell them (to do her bidding) to vote for him. There. Done deal. It would also help if he wore a pantsuit; that seems to make Hillary supporters feel more comfortable during rallies and speeches and stuff. If I may suggest something, sir, orange would look really nice on your skin (although I’m not saying that all black people look good in orange). Like, a dark orange color would be good (I’m not saying that all black people look good in dark orange, either).
Pantsuits + commands = won-over cult members. You’re welcome.

[Lola.]

why did it have to end so soon?

You know the old saying, "You miss the thing you hate once it's gone" (I think I just made that up). Or is it, "You miss the stupid fucking Primaries that seemed to last so long that you were certain McCain would die before any decisions were reached now that they are over"? I forget which saying it is, but you get my point. We were all contemplating (suicide?) coming up with a drinking game in which you watched the news (not Fox News, they're too depressing) and drank a shot each time the pundits talked about someone winning a Primary, a pint each time anyone mentioned a Candidate dropping out, and a bottle of Jagermeister for old-man jokes (alcohol poisoning at its best). But we refrained. We knew that it would eventually end. We prayed to all the divine beings that the enhanced interrogation (not torture) would stop. Now that it's over... life seems so uninteresting. I feel so uninspired. It's so bad that I'm kicking around the idea to watch Fox News until it completely dissolves my soul, and then maybe I'll find something worth talking about.
I could tell you that Hillary owes herself $11.4 million (how do you borrow your own money?). She has until August to pay it off (she can pay herself back), and Mr. Obama, out of the kindness of his heart (and the desperate need to not split the Party any more than it already is), has offered to help the robot-lady raise enough to pay off her debts.
I could also mention that a report from Senate claims that President Bush and his friends "deliberately misrepresented secret intelligence" in order to be able to invade Iraq. I hate to be the bearer of bad news (actually, I love it), but I think we've all known that for, oh, I don't know, several years. Senate also claims that the Administration was wrong when they "linked Saddam Hussein to the Sept. 11 attacks and al-Qaida; claimed Iraq would give terrorist groups chemical, biological or nuclear weapons, and said Iraq was developing drone aircraft to spread chemical or biological agents over the United States." Didn't a bunch of people write books on this already?
Thank you, Captain Obvious and the League of Redundancies.

[Lola.]

come out of your primary comas, kids.

Mr. Barack Obama has finally managed to take the Democratic Nomination for himself! We've been waiting for the end of this neverending story (spoiler alert: that movie ended) since... I don't remember when the whole thing started. It seems like it's been years that the media began to say, "The gloves are coming off!", "Are the gloves finally coming off?", "Their gloves are off!" (why gloves? Mittens are cuter), and "Is he a secret Muslim extremist?" (the answer is yes). And here we thought it'd last so long that the Nominee would be declared on the General Election ballot.
After spending so much time and money on plastic surgery (I heard that butt-implants are popular, ma'am. Just a suggestion), paying Bill to shut the fuck up and quit screwing up her campaign (the payment: female interns), and self-congratulatory parties, Hillary is batting her robotic lashes at Mr. Obama in order to convince him that she shuld be his VP. Maybe he would take Hillary up on her offer if she had given up (like the other cool kids) when they started dropping out twenty-something months ago. Or perhaps if she didn't imply that black people don't know how to answer the phone (some choose not to, because they have rights just like you).
It's like that age-old question, "Chocolate or vanilla?", except it was more like "Chocolate or bitch?"
I'm a chocolate kind of girl.

[Lola.]

return of the whores.

We all thought it was over, and we all completely forgot about it (who forgets whores?). That is, until today. Remember Gov. Spitzer? He frequented that expensive whorehouse and got caught for it a while back, and then resigned in March out of “guilt”. Are we on the same page now? Good. Well, it turns out that the woman running the prostitution ring is only 23 years old. Twenty-three! A twenty-three-year-old was the head of a company. A company that actually had a good cash (they take credit and very personal checks, too) flow, by the way. I hope I have a great-paying, laid-back job like that in three years. I’m so jealous. I wonder what she majored in at university, hotel management?
Also, the Emperor’s Club broke several laws (and handcuffs) by laundering money and promoting prostitution (leaving flyers on cars is illegal?), and her response in court was, “Basically, it was, I guess, a prostitution ring, that was attempting to launder money or whatever.” I guess it was a prostitution ring. Don’t worry, I didn’t realize for the longest time either that a company that had people paying for dirty deeds involving pleasure providers was considered prostitution, either. But then again, she should’ve known, since she dropped out of University of Miami (that still counts as going in my book) and happened to attend a prestigious high school, whereas I just go to a Community College. Oh, and her boyfriend is about forty years older than her.
Eww. I just threw up in my mouth a little (that costs extra).

[Lola.]

look who's on top now.

I know the last thing you want to hear about is the Primaries, because somehow watching an entire season of America’s Next Top Model suddenly seems like it only lasts seconds compared to the Primaries’ length (it’s only June, by the way). I promise to not actually talk about it any longer.
But even if (when I say “if”, I mean “though”) Hillary won’t win the Nomination for the General Election, she will still come out on top. She has recently been voted the Most Powerful Woman in NYC (if by “most powerful”, you mean “most likely to bite off a bat’s head to raise money for her plastic surgery campaign”, then I totally agree). Here’s the list of Most Powerful Women in NYC:
1. Hillary Rodham Clinton
2. Anna Wintour
3. Erin Callan
4. Mary Ann Tighe
5. Christine Quinn
6. Tina Fey
7. Amy Poehler
8. Randi Weingarten (I don’t trust people with Nazi last names)
9. Barbara Walters
10. Patti LuPone
I highly disagree with this. Regardless of what kind of list it is, Oprah should always be at the number one spot (because she could crush me gives people stuff for free). So, I’ve compiled my own list in which I surveyed 100 people (just myself) about who they (I) think the Ten Most Powerful People in the World are.
1. Oprah. Please give me something. I put you at the top of a list.
2. Stephen Colbert/Rain. It should’ve been a pants-off dance-off.
3. Jon Stewart. If you pretend “3” is “1”, will you give me a job at the Daily Show?
4. The guy who invented the Pringles can. It’s more sanitary than digging in a bag.
5. The guy who invented Post-Its. I would’ve forgotten to make cupcakes if it wasn’t for a Post-It note that my mother left.
6. Gordon Ramsay. He’s been sued, like, 50 times, and still manages to keep his job.
7. Brian May. He still hasn’t succumbed to using conditioner. Way to stick it to the man.
8. Ralph Nader. He’ll still run for President even after he’s dead.
9. Ben Barnes. God, he’s hot. Oh, sorry, I drooled a little on your keyboard.
10. John McCain. He’s so old, it almost makes his racism okay.

[Lola.]