if only harry potter was real...

A long time ago (today), in a galaxy far, far away (Washington DC), the President of the United States of America decided to take action on something (that does not involve helping countries meet certain political apocalypse) during his last few months in office. For those of you who may have already forgotten since last week, President Bush is actually talking about doing something productive. He yelled at Congress for not doing anything yet about our little economic issues. I’ve never heard the man even raise his voice before, so maybe when Mr. Bush yells he simply doesn’t laugh or make up words. Well, he said that the old guy and the woman had a good idea with the whole weekend gas tax suspension (do I smell a new commercial?), but Mr. Bush wants a long-term fix. Other than forcing Alaskans to give us their oil (wait a minute… they belong to the US, so technically they have to share), he… had no other ideas. We’ve grown up together, Mr. Bush and this country, and we’ve gotten to know each other during these last eighty years. We should know when he has no clue what’s going on. And, well, sorry sir, but the gig’s up. When you say, “I’m open to suggestions,” you’re really saying, “I--- I dunno what to do! Someone come up with a good-sounding plan that’ll never happen, and I’ll take credit for it!”
The GDP report just magically happens to be due tomorrow (guess how many people won’t show up to class. “My printer broke…”), which can tell us if our country is in the… r-word. Seeing as Mr. President is also an optimist, he commented, “I think they’ll show we’re in a very slow economy.” Woah, woah, hold on. That's not the kind of optimism I was thinking of. He told the world that we’ve got a case of the slows. What an asshole. Who does that man think he is, spreading rumors about how slow we are? Nobody’s ever going to take us seriously as a country anymore! Not only that, but he also claims, “If there was a magic wand to wave, I’d be waving it… But there is no magic wand to wave right now.” That’s a lie. The next Harry Potter movie should be coming to cinemas soon. He’ll swish and flick us out of this mess- just you wait.

[Lola.]

mr. bush's glass is half full.

The man is such an optimist at heart. It’s so difficult to know how many people dislike him, really, it is. Mr. Bush has recently said that by the time he leaves office, he can “achieve the definition of a state” in Palestine. He does worry me a little with that kind of bold statement… does he realize that his Presidency is over with in January? Has anybody informed Mr. Bush that he has to be packed and ready to go in about nine months? I’m pretty sure that although he scored higher than me on my SAT’s (I still want to know how that’s possible. My IQ in eighth grade was higher than his is now), Mr. Bush might think that he can trick people into thinking that the Constitution allows war-time Presidents to stick around until it’s finished. That, or he hasn’t figured out that we switched to the Gregorian calendar system in the 1700’s (that joke was meant for Mr. McCain, sorry) and believes that he still has a few more years to go.
But we can’t hurt the man’s feelings by telling him it won’t work out that quickly. I’d feel absolutely terrible (unless my name is Hillary). Oh, wait. The “experts” already have. He didn’t listen, though, because while discussing the plans to make sure Palestine becomes a contiguous state, he was busy imagining the country as a big plate of Swiss cheese.
If Palestine is Swiss cheese, I bet it’d taste great as part of a ham sandwich. What would the other ingredients be? Iran would definitely be the ham, Iraq is the rye bread, Afghanistan can be the lettuce, Pakistan will be the tomato slices, and just for some extra flavour, let’s make Syria the mayonnaise.
Mmm, colonialism tastes best when in denial.

[Lola.]

he's not a racist.

Mr. McCain is just old. Seriously, old people can get away with just about everything- using racial slurs, getting into car accidents, hitting children with their canes… the list goes on. Someone like me couldn’t get away with calling people--- nevermind. I won’t go there. I’m not old; I’d definitely get my ass kicked for using terms that old Mr. McCain (doesn’t that make you imagine him sitting on a porch rocking chair with a rifle in his hands?) probably says on a daily basis (not about his wife being a trollop). When he was growing up in the 1800’s, it was acceptable to discriminate against African-Americans, which makes it okay for him to still harness a few racist tendencies without a deserving slap to the face.
So what if he opposed celebrating Martin Luther King Jr. Day one time, and was the deciding vote that helped Daddy Bush veto the Civil Rights Act of 1990. At least Mr. McCain is brave enough to stand by such an embittered decision, even if he’s digging his own grave (you’ve been at it for years, sir). If gramps believes that he’ll win over African-American voters, I’m sure he’ll find a way to do it (if there’s a will, there’s (usually a dead body) way). Mr. Obama only carries 90% of them, which makes it even more mathematically possible than Hillary winning the Nomination. He just needs a little encouragement. He said himself, “I'm going to be the president of all the people.” I think that says it all. It doesn’t matter who wins the Election, Mr. McCain will find a way to reign supreme over all of us and keep the War going for one-hundred years or so.
God bless McCainica.

[Lola.]

i'm filing a complaint.

I’m sick of it already. I’m finally going to complain about Hillary and Mr. Obama complaining about complaints. It’s not fair how much those two are allowed to complain without their mothers smacking them in the back of their heads. If I complain, my mom yells at me. Maybe they’ll shut the hell up if I send her after them with a flyswatter and dish soap. Lavender dish soap. That shit smells nasty, so it’s easy to assume that it tastes god-awful too.
You know what else? I’m going to complain about Hillary, my ex-best friend. She is one of the most (unemotional, inhuman) sexist people I’ve ever ‘met’, saying, “…if you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen. Just speaking for myself, I am very comfortable in the kitchen.” That really irks me. What is she getting at, saying that as a woman, she feels comfortable in the kitchen? Is she trying to tell the world (the two people who’ve read this) that all women like being in the kitchen? As a real female who doesn’t own a closet-full of pants suits, I’d like to tell her that I’m much more comfortable watching TV on the couch than cooking in a hot kitchen. Kitchens are not the homes of women, lady, okay? They haven’t been since the 1950’s. Just ask Mr. McCain, he’d remember it perfectly, as if it were yesterday (he’s been napping almost non-stop since then). Hillary, you wouldn’t be so “comfortable” as a “woman” if you worked with the assholes who call themselves “chefs” on Hell’s Kitchen. You may be incredibly detached from human emotions, but Gordon Ramsay could make even you cry and drop out of the Race.
I know people who know people who probably know people. Don’t mess with me, woman. I can indirectly make your robot eyes rust if you don't clean up your sexist act.

[Lola.]

now's not the time to be empathetic.

Do you know what “empathy” means? If you’re not in fourth or eighth grade, you probably don’t, but it means that one understands exactly how another person feels because they’ve been through said feeling as well. I know, I know, you’re not reading this for an English lesson. But for someone to say that my ex-best friend (Hillary) can feel empathy (or any human emotion, for that matter) makes me want to throw up my all-American dinner of bangers and mash*. She “empathetically” said that regardless of who wins the Democratic Candidacy, Mr. McCain will not quite win the Election (you snooze, you lose. And old people tend to snooze a lot). Mr. Obama has also mentioned something similar, that one of them will lead the Party to victory, and that Hillary is an honest woman. As we’ve realized before, we’re not so sure about the “woman” part. And the “honesty”… well, who hasn’t lied about being under sniper fire? I know I do all the time.
I have a problem with Mr. Obama and Hillary saying that they’d be down with it if the other won the Candidacy. Look at it like this: in the finale of America’s Next Top Model (all three-hundred seasons), the two girls battling it out on the runway don’t say, “Oh, if she wins, its fine! At least someone will win!” No, they don’t. What they would say, though, is, (“Where’s the bathroom?”) “If that bitch wins, I’m ripping out her hair.” Those two need to be more like models and say what they’re really thinking- “If Obama/Clinton wins, I swear to god I’ll have him/her/it thrown into a pool of piranhas.”
Besides, in politics (or Hillary’s programming), there’s no room to feel empathy or be nice to the other kids, especially during a debate. Push them out of the sandbox, give them a goddamn wedgie, and take their lunch money.

[Lola.]


*Technically, bangers and mash is a British cuisine, but they owned us at one point, so that means it’s partially ours, too. Plus, if you put ketchup on anything, that automatically makes it American.

isn't it sad?

Other than Mr. Obama calling backwoodsmen bitter, gun-caressing, Mexican-haters, there aren’t any deliciously dirty secrets surfacing with our three Candidate friends recently. What the hell are we supposed to do? America is a country built on tabloids, sex scandals, ADD, and lies about being shot at. Just go back in time and ask our Founding Fathers. We all know that Mr. Obama’s still African-American, Hillary is still (possibly) female, and Mr. McCain still remembers high school in the Neolithic era. You know what? I’ll just start my own rumors to make the country a happier place again.
Not only has Mr. McCain recently been caught in a drug-deal involving the mixture of Viagra and heroin, but the investigation of the matter has led to the discovery of a love octagon involving Mr. McCain, Mr. Romney’s wives (assuming that all Mormons keep several of those handy in case of an emergency), Elliot Spitzer (that’s right, he’s back with a vengeance!) and Mr. Obama. Mr. Obama also took part in an elitist Muslim terrorist group recently which held innocent My Little Ponies ransom in exchange for the psychedelic bus that he’d been traveling on and Kool-Aid for his Acid Test Parties. My best friend, Hillary, is going to rehab next weekend, after the Pennsylvania primaries are finished. We can’t be best friends anymore, though, because it turns out that the woman likes Crown Royal, funny-coloured beer (that pint looked like it was diluted with water. That’s so not cool), and shots of cheap whiskey. That part is true, mind you, even when I say that she doesn’t drink sweet, girly drinks. I can’t be best friends with someone who drinks like a man-robot. Therefore, my now-ex-best friend is a tranny robot with an alcohol addiction.
What sad, sad times we live in. How will our future children look themselves in the mirror knowing what kind of corrupt individuals we ended up voting for?

[Lola.]

two-hundred and eighty-four.

No, that’s not Mr. McCain’s real age. I’ve said it many times; he’s not that old. He’s just old enough to remember most of the important events that helped shape our country, like the Gettysburg Address and the first pint of Samuel Adams beer. That big number that’s nearly impossible to count to is how many days are left in Bush’s Presidency. Have we all forgotten that Mr. Bush is still our President? It totally slipped my mind for a while because of all this Democratic Party Candidate acid test tour voting argument extravaganza. I feel bad about that. I’m so sorry, Mr. Bush, your country sort of left you behind. Maybe you should pull something crazy, like in the old days, and catch us off-guard. Trust me; it’ll be for the best if you end your second (and hopefully the Constitution keeps it your last) Presidential term with a bang. And by that, I don’t mean bomb… ooh, what country is next on the list? How about Uzbekistan, since it’s something I can actually spell? So don’t bomb Uzbekistan to end it with a bang, but you could always get Mr. Cheney punk’d. I know the world would appreciate that. Plus, the man is a comedian, and he’d definitely like a good joke or two to be remembered by. Just think a couple of things over in that abnormally large head of yours, and get back to us on it.
Mr. Bush is going to start pulling out troops from Iraq again. What about the other countries we’re pouring into? Well, I guess the answer to that question will have to wait for another day, possibly a hundred years from now (if Mr. McCain miraculously wins the Election). He’s giving General Petraeus “ 45 days to evaluate the effects of the drawdown, followed by an indefinite period to reassess U.S. troop strength in Iraq” (from Gates: US troops won't drop to 100,000 by Deb Riechmann (sauerkraut-eater)). That means General Patronus gets over a month to think, and then has just about forever to think some more. It’s unfair that some General guy gets paid a substantial amount of money just to think. Damn you, General Petrelli! I make less than $10/hr and have to do actual work. Is that what Presidents do during their last year in office? Think? And pay people to think? Sen. Harry Reid said, "Instead he is leaving all the tough decisions to the next administration. President Bush has an exit strategy for only one man, himself, on January 20, 2009." Hey, Mr. Reid, why don’t you give the man a break? He’s been working hard for years, trying to figure out how to pronounce words not in his limited vocabulary (but strangely enough he scored higher on his SAT’s than me), and tap-dancing his way to glory. The man is a thinker, a decider, and apparently good at bicycling. Let Mr. Bush pedal out of the White House with at least a little dignity.
I’ve come to the conclusion that Mr. Cheney is a total douchebag. For the first time, I’m not saying it because of the creepy, child-molester-like snarl that’s made home on his face. I’m also not saying it because, even after several heart-attacks, he won’t fucking die. How many has he had? Four? It’s not right; maybe he’s a zombie. After the 9/11 attacks, the chain of command starting from Mr. Cheney on down, “signed off on using harsh interrogation techniques against suspected terrorists after asking the Justice Department to endorse their legality” (from Cheney, others OK'd harsh interrogations by Lara Lakes Jordan and Pamela Hess). If you don’t understand what they just said, don't worry about it, only fourth and eighth graders understand big words. Basically, Mr. Cheney and his homies told the CIA that it’s okay to have a little fun with interrogations and play the fun game where you simulate drowning. Two other harmless interrogation methods were discussed, including “causing pain similar in intensity to that caused by death or organ failure”, and keeping detainees overseas to use enhanced interrogation techniques as long as they “did not specifically intend to torture their captives”.
“I don’t intend to beat you senselessly, but sometimes I just get carried away, you know? It’d help if you told me what I want to hear, and then we’ll play a little game and not write about it in my torture memo, okay? Have a nice day.”
Mr. Cheney is such a Dick sometimes.

[Lola.]

oh snap, crackle, and pop!

Sometimes I’m not sure how to tell you something, especially when it’s not so happy. Maybe I’ll turn into Demetri Martin, play a nice, friendly guitar riff and just say it how it is, and you won’t be upset. … Well, I guess not. So… oh, I know! I’ve seen a band do this before, and they got the message across! Do you understand me when I say, “Bop bop bop bop bah bah bop bop”? … No? Well, dammit. I suppose it only works if you’re in a band, singing a love song. What I’m trying to say is that we’re officially in a… a… a… oh god, I can say it… I can say it… I’m not in denial anymore. We’re, um, in a recession. Officially. We, the United States of America, are in a recession. Admitting that we’re in an… “r” word is harder than it seems, which is why I choose to whisper it when I’m talking to people face-to-face. I don’t want to scare anyone, so just as teachers mark papers in green ink to make children feel better, I’ll refer to “it” as the “r” word, like my buddy, Ben Bernanke.
So far in our “r” word, we’ve lost over 200,000 jobs, but don’t you worry. If you don’t work for airlines, accounting firms, retail, factories, insurance companies, construction companies, banks, law offices, real-estate firms, temp agencies, mortgage-broking companies, computer design shops, hotels, engineering companies, architecture companies, telecommunications companies, or transportation companies, you probably won't be part of the 5.1% unemployed. And if you do, that MacDonald’s down the street is hiring. Starbucks, too. Zoos (I know there’s one in Vegas, but what the hell would be there?) and child-care services always need new employees as well. So the question isn’t, “When will we get our jobs back?” it’s “Should I brew coffee or shovel lion shit?”

[Lola.]

never give up, never surrender.

Today, Mr. Edwards (remember him? He was the Democrat who dropped out of the race a while ago…) was asked by the press if he would be willing to run for Vice President again if Hilly/Mr. Obama (circle the candidate who will run in the Presidential Election, or if you’re in denial, circle whoever you choose to believe is the winner) were to ask/beg him. And, invoking the spirit of Amy Winehouse, his answer was, “no, no, no.”
That’s right, kids! Little Mr. Edwards refuses to run for Vice President with anybody. That’s his way of telling us, “Bitch, please!” Because, as we know, if one wants to only be the guy who sits on his ass while the President does all the important stuff, one wouldn’t have run for President in the first place. Said person (“one”), i.e. Mr. Edwards, obviously didn’t want anything but the big boy cup, so back the fuck off. Go away, press. He doesn’t want to drink out of the VP sippy cup, he wants a mother fuckin’ glass.
So, y’know what? Go, Mr. Edwards! Woohoo!! You tell the other kids in the sandbox that you don’t want to watch them drink their juice, tell them you want the goddamn juice yourself, out of that tall, breakable glass! But you wouldn’t break that glass, because it’s dangerous to step on.
Also, my best friend in the whole wide world, Hilly, says that she can win. She’s a winner. But don’t worry, everyone’s a winner. Except for those who aren’t quite winners. At least her husband will see that she’s a winner on the inside, and that’s what counts.
… … … At least he’ll say all that philosophical bullshit and take a few checks while he’s at it.

[Lola.]

we have a newcomer in our chicken game!

Okay, everyone, I have a new African-American friend that I’d like you to meet. His name is Alan Keyes, and he is now running for President. He’s charming, witty, and that old guy… um, Reagan, likes him, so I trust that Mr. Keyes will get along just fine with our other little candidate friends. Let’s see… Mr. Keyes is from the Constitution Party. I’ve never heard of that one before. I wonder if Wikipedia’s heard of it? … Ah, yes, here’s something. Okay, so it’s conservative, and… oh wow, it’s the third biggest party in our country. Then why wasn’t it one of my choices when I had to pick a party? Huh, that’s strange. According to Wikipedia, which has never failed me in guiding me towards higher knowledge, “the Constitution Party advocates a Bible-based platform which it claims to reflect original intent of the U.S Constitution and the principles of the U.S. Declaration of Independence.” Perfect, so I see a crystal-clear separation of Church and State. Awesome. So far, so good.
Platforms… where are the platforms…? Alright, so this Constitution Party believes that the government’s spending for welfare, education, and health care is unconstitutional, and that the current income tax policy should be replaced with “a tariff-based revenue system supplemented by excise taxes.” Oh god, what does that mean? No wonder I couldn’t choose them when I registered to vote, they use big words that only fourth and eighth graders would understand. They also want to ditch the Department of Education and the Department of Health and Human Services, but my question is, what will those employees do if their jobs are taken away? Are said jobs being outsourced to India? Without those important Departments, are we going to get dumb and catch a cold? Third parties never quite win (except for you, Mr. Nader, I still believe in you!), but just in case, I think I’ll start taking Vitamin C. What I’m reading basically tells me “fuck foreign aid, fuck the World Bank, fuck subsidies…” blah blah blah. Wow, these guys are kind of assholish. They want stricter legal immigration laws and they’d rather kick illegals’ asses out of the country than grant them amnesty. Bad news for you dirty movie-watchers, though, because these guys believe that porn is a crime. I always thought that the internet was made for porn to be more readily available to the public, but if the Constitution Party had its way, being caught with porn would be a criminal offense. What are 40-year-old virgin gamers living in their moms’ basements going to do? They’ll have to play even more World of Warcraft and Dungeons and Dragons than humanly possible to make up for the twenty-hour gap in their day. And finally, does anybody recall the Civil War? I doubt anyone other than Mr. Nader (hah! I totally dodged a McCain age-joke bullet) would have a first-hand account, but I’m pretty sure it began because of the southern states’ secession from the Union. And what is the Constitution Party’s policy on secession? Any state can secede at any time, and it’s not a problem at all.
So, as I was saying, Mr. Keyes is a nice little boy with good manners and great morals, so let’s all treat him kindly. His friends could kick the shit out of us and get our asses deported in a heartbeat.

[Lola.]