now's not the time to be empathetic.

Do you know what “empathy” means? If you’re not in fourth or eighth grade, you probably don’t, but it means that one understands exactly how another person feels because they’ve been through said feeling as well. I know, I know, you’re not reading this for an English lesson. But for someone to say that my ex-best friend (Hillary) can feel empathy (or any human emotion, for that matter) makes me want to throw up my all-American dinner of bangers and mash*. She “empathetically” said that regardless of who wins the Democratic Candidacy, Mr. McCain will not quite win the Election (you snooze, you lose. And old people tend to snooze a lot). Mr. Obama has also mentioned something similar, that one of them will lead the Party to victory, and that Hillary is an honest woman. As we’ve realized before, we’re not so sure about the “woman” part. And the “honesty”… well, who hasn’t lied about being under sniper fire? I know I do all the time.
I have a problem with Mr. Obama and Hillary saying that they’d be down with it if the other won the Candidacy. Look at it like this: in the finale of America’s Next Top Model (all three-hundred seasons), the two girls battling it out on the runway don’t say, “Oh, if she wins, its fine! At least someone will win!” No, they don’t. What they would say, though, is, (“Where’s the bathroom?”) “If that bitch wins, I’m ripping out her hair.” Those two need to be more like models and say what they’re really thinking- “If Obama/Clinton wins, I swear to god I’ll have him/her/it thrown into a pool of piranhas.”
Besides, in politics (or Hillary’s programming), there’s no room to feel empathy or be nice to the other kids, especially during a debate. Push them out of the sandbox, give them a goddamn wedgie, and take their lunch money.

[Lola.]


*Technically, bangers and mash is a British cuisine, but they owned us at one point, so that means it’s partially ours, too. Plus, if you put ketchup on anything, that automatically makes it American.