drop it!

Because the childhood obesity rate is climbing ever so quickly, everybody (Loves Raymond is an awful show) is becoming obsessed with kids losing weight and hitting the gym every once in a while. People have tried everything; including getting rid of sodas, candy, and other “unhealthy” nourishments from school cafeterias (I’m still bitter about not being able to get 3 bread sticks for $1.25 after sophomore year). It doesn’t work. When you take away something at school, the children are going to ask mommy and daddy to buy for them to bring themselves (this goes for tasers too). They’ll still grow horizontally (this still goes for tasers; they're not proper weight-loss supplements).
I think that it shouldn’t matter what they eat, as long as we put speed in their food. It works for models, so why not apply the same principles into everyday life (bathrooms are like trash cans for digested materials)? Oh, don’t worry; I hear it’s an easy habit to kick (like models eating). Bring back the M&Ms, triple-glazed donuts, Coke machines, and ice cream cones to middle schools and high schools, but with a little something… extra. Parents won’t have to worry about forcing gym memberships on their kids, nor will they ever have to bring sweets home- the schools will only serve speed-laced candies. They’ll be skinny before you know it, and the obesity rate will be as high as Kate Moss’s body fat percentage (-50%).
Hey! I told you to drop that donut, kid! It’s mine- I already licked it!

[Lola.]

i think he's dying.

I just read an article called McCain "sick at heart" over mistakes in Iraq war. It says that his heart is sick (it’s one of the side effects of Viagra). When old people get sick hearts, they usually end up… you know, dying. Mr. McCain is possibly going to croak soon, and I haven’t even sent him an apologetic sugar-free cheesecake yet. He told veterans on Memorial Day that he’s “sick at heart at mistakes made in the conflict” (aren’t “conflicts” less serious than “wars”?). That would explain why Mr. McCain is suddenly catching a ride on the going-green train, saying that our troops will be 100% out of Iraq by 2013 (I was really looking forward to the 100 years he promised), and inviting Mr. Obama to a dream vacation in Iraq. He visits Iraq every few months (the baristas at the Green Zone Starbucks know his order by heart) and decided that he’d like to show Mr. Obama how to live the life of an elitist in the stylish Middle East before the American tourists start pouring in once the Green Zone Mega-Mall is completed.
I bet their hotel will serve a complimentary Continental breakfast, and include free Wi-Fi and a spa.

[Lola.]

look at my new crazy pastor! isn't he adorable?

Honestly, what is it with Candidates ending up having insane religious figures in their lives? I want one of my own now (like a racist and angry puppy). All the cool kids are doing it. I think it’s like that saying- “Monkey see, monkey do, monkey wanna do it too.”
First, it started off with Mr. Obama’s friend, Rev. Wright (how many times do I have to tell you people to leave the story alone? It’s getting old (like McCain)) shouting “Goddamn America” and then telling the world that white people can’t clap. All of a sudden, Mr. McCain magically happens to have a psycho Pastor who thinks that God sent Hitler to help out the Jews to find their Promised Land. I read the Bible once (all those years of Catholic school and I might have read the entire thing one time), sir, and Moses was the one who (forgot to look up directions on Mapquest beforehand) helped them out, not Adolf.
The next thing you know, Hillary’s going to unexpectedly have gone to Church her entire life and manages to (pay off with her campaign funds) also have her own crazy Church leader who claims… oh, I don’t know, that he created the sun after eating the world’s homosexual population to get rid of the horrifying sex scandals that were going on (with Bill). Then she’ll be equipped with a computer chip that allows her to feel appalled and ditch him like the other two (the Pastor, not Bill).

[Lola.]

five things you won't learn in college.

1. Never trust a Junta agreement. The Junta in Myanmar recently agreed to allow foreign aid workers to help cyclone victims “as long as they were genuine humanitarian workers.” Since when did we trust anyone who’s title was “supremo”? There’s a reason why we usually don’t help out Juntas, and I think the explanation lies within the meaning of the word “Junta”: a small group ruling a country, esp. immediately after a coup d'état and before a legally constituted government has been instituted (thank you dictionary.com!). Generally if someone overthrows a government and wants humanitarian workers, that’s what we call (a cannibal?) an oxymoron. Don’t trust oxymorons (you can’t spell it without “moron”); don’t trust Juntas.

2. Earthquakes stop protests. Although China has been devastated by the recent earthquake, and many people have lost their lives, families, homes, etc., the protests against the Beijing Olympics have ceased. It shook the rebellion right out of their systems.

3. Don’t compare your stubbornness to someone’s assassination. Hillary compared her never-give-up-attitude (she’s not programmed to give up) to Robert Kennedy being shot, because both the shooting and the end of Primary season happen in June. I’m sure Mr. Kennedy wouldn’t have given up living if he didn’t die from the gunshot. He was shot in his fucking head. She is just mathematically unlikely to win the Nomination. There’s kind of a difference.

4. Don’t go to a Church which has a crazy Pastor. Grandpa McCain and his Pastor have finally gone their separate ways, after the Pastor was quoted saying that “God sent Adolf Hitler to help Jews reach the Promised Land.” I don’t know where Reverend Hagee studied about WWII (the trenches), but from what I learned in my history books, Hitler killed off many Jews. Unless by “leading” he meant “sending them to God in packs early”, I think he’s a bit off his rocker.

5. Don’t take an aphrodisiac if it’s made out of frog venom. Someone apparently died from it. And it’s illegal. Wouldn’t you think that it’s common sense to not ingest something with the words venom and illegal attached to it? Besides, it looks like a piece of shit. Literally. It’s been described as a “hard, brown substance.” If something’s made out of venom, is banned by the FDA (unlike cloned meat), and looks like it was secreted from an animal (like certain tropical coffee beans), you probably shouldn’t swallow or even rub it on yourself.

[Lola.]

john mccain's skin care solutions.

Mr. McCain is unhappy because he just can’t seem to get through to young voters, unlike the other Candidates. He’s trying to talk to young environmentalists (age requirement: can’t order from the senior menu at IHOP) about his sudden ability to want to go green. Mr. McCain recently spoke at a wind turbine producer in Oregon (want to bet that we’ll find a way to run out of wind too?) to discuss what he wants to do about Global Warming (bottle it for when his feet get cold in the winter). The youngsters seemed to warm up (pun intended) to the idea of Mr. McCain breaking away from the usual ideas of the Republicans, but they still won’t go for him because they claim that his ideas fall short.
All that aside, do you know what the real problem is, sir? You’re old. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s true. Age matters. There are three things that young people don’t trust: old people, cops, and baby carrots (they’re pure evil). Lots of young people trust Mr. Obama (even if he’s secretly part of the Al-Qaeda Chess Club) and Hillary (all campaign donations go towards her plastic surgery) because they’re young and fresh. At least, they’re less wrinkled than you. And their skin is less droopy. And they can eat food with sugar. I could through a whole list of reasons why you look older than them, but I’ll just tell you the solutions.
Solution #1: Build a time machine, go back about three-hundred years, and bring your fifty-year-old self back to the future (part two was my favourite in that trilogy) and have him run for President.
Solution #2: Olay Regenerist. It helps reduce fine lines and wrinkles, while improving the skins elasticity in fourteen days. Guaranteed. You might need about ten bottles of this stuff, but trust me, it’ll work.
Solution #3: Kill off anyone else who could possibly beat you in the Election. Then it won’t matter what the young people think- you’ll be the only choice.
You’re welcome.

[Lola.]

let's celebrate!

Today I received a letter from the IRS (my first reaction: “Hide the cash in the pillows!”) stating that sometime in the next couple of weeks, I’ll be getting a check for $300 from President Bush. The President Bush! He’s sending me birthday money, and it’s not even my birthday! The letter said that it was because of the Economic Stimulus Act of 2008 (he’s actually accomplished something this year?), but I know the President just wants me to think it’s nothing special and that everyone’s getting early/belated birthday money (or in some rare cases, on-time birthday money). What a nice guy. I feel a little guilty saying such mean things about Mr. Bush now… as an apology, I’ll send him a fruit basket.
But let’s not cloud our judgment just because he’s sending me birthday money. If our country really was in a recession, how would sending everybody who’s filed taxes (me) $300 solve problems? I mean, I could buy an iPod or a crappy laptop with that amount of money, and a couple months of gas (unless I’m actually paying $328/gallon, the smaller numbers could be an optical illusion), but…
Hey, wait a minute. I’m feeling gypped. The internets just informed me that some people are getting $600, and married couples can receive $1200 (that’s like $600 each. You’re welcome for doing the math for you). You cheap bastard. Do you realize how many birthdays of mine you’ve missed? Nineteen. I don’t care if you’re trying to help our economy get out of the slows. I’m taking back your fruit basket.

[Lola.]

take off your pants suits.

It may be a bit too early to call the shots, but everybody believes that our African-American friend, Mr. Obama (in case you forgot which Candidate was not the Caucasian female) is most likely going to win the Nomination. Sorry, Hillary, but… well, you’re probably just not quite the winner this time around. But I’m not saying that you should give up even if you don’t get the Nomination. Hell, keep on campaigning until the world ends in 2012 if you want. You might have to update your pants suits wardrobe, but I’m sure you’ll do fine. Now, the reason I’m already concluding the Nomination results is because Mr. Obama has already won Guam (who knew they actually count for something?) and North Carolina, although Hillary has 269.5 (haha… “69”) superdelegates and he only has 255. Now, I was wondering, how do you get a .5 of a super/delegate? Is it half a person? A midget, maybe? Or is said super/delegate (circle the answer that best describes the situation) unsure and just says “both”?
Anyway, here’s a breakdown on super/delegate number stuff:
Hillary: 57 delegates, 269.5 (I said “69” again) superdelegates.
Obama: 63 delegates, 255 superdelegates.
Something about 800… No, 2,025… oh fuck it. I don’t understand numbers anyway, just as much as I don’t understand why pants suits aren’t illegal.

[Lola.]

movin' on up to the middle east side.

Does anyone remember that Propagandhi song, Hallie Sallasse, Up Your Ass? For all five of you who do (it’s probably on a mixed CD I gave you), there is a prediction about what will happen in the Middle East (“Soon to be parking lots for American tourists and fascist cops.”). And, fifteen years later, I think it’s actually coming true. But you know what? Sorry, Prop, but I am wicked-excited for that giant parking lot. There are plans to build condos and a shopping centre in Baghdad’s green zone! Do you have any idea how cool that’s going to be? We will have the most fashionable troops in history. It’s not gonna be cheap shit like Kohl’s or Target (although there will be a Wal-Mart). No, we’re talking about H&M, D&G, Versace, Roberto Cavalli- rich people stuff. But the food court will be all-American (and cooked by illegal Mexicans) - Panda Express, MacDonald’s, Sbarro (pizza is American), and definitely Cinnabon. Maybe a Dairy Queen, too. But I wonder- will Hugh Hefner own the condos? Because no condo is complete without a Playboy club and swimming pools on the balconies.

[Lola.]

just let it go already.

The entire fucking world knows about the Reverend Jeremiah Wright drama. I’m almost positive that, as a country, we can all recite every goddamn (pun intended) word, song, and dance that he has used to publicly humiliate himself. This has been going on for far too long. Since March, every major, minor, and all those in-between news networks has been discussing his claims that God damns America and how we asked for a terrorist attack (don’t introduce him to Mr. Giuliani, that conversation would go to Hell), and something about chickens nesting. Or maybe it was roosters. Wait, I think he said crows. No, I think it was chickens. Regardless of which winged-creature he cooked for dinner, Reverend Wright is a little… off. All he’s done with the sudden media attention is proving that white people clap like idiots (I clap on beats two and four, thank you). The Reverend can rap, dance, and crack white jokes all he wants; it doesn’t hurt Mr. Obama in the least, just like the God/gun-loving-backwoodsmen comment. Mr. Obama proved that by denouncing the Reverend. Nobody wants to talk to a crazy person who says that the government has been “planting AIDS in the black community” (from Obama-Wright rift reveals divided loyalties in black church by Eric Gorski).
So let’s leave this controversy to rest and stop talking about it (unless we have nothing better to do (like right now)).

[Lola.]