drop it!

Because the childhood obesity rate is climbing ever so quickly, everybody (Loves Raymond is an awful show) is becoming obsessed with kids losing weight and hitting the gym every once in a while. People have tried everything; including getting rid of sodas, candy, and other “unhealthy” nourishments from school cafeterias (I’m still bitter about not being able to get 3 bread sticks for $1.25 after sophomore year). It doesn’t work. When you take away something at school, the children are going to ask mommy and daddy to buy for them to bring themselves (this goes for tasers too). They’ll still grow horizontally (this still goes for tasers; they're not proper weight-loss supplements).
I think that it shouldn’t matter what they eat, as long as we put speed in their food. It works for models, so why not apply the same principles into everyday life (bathrooms are like trash cans for digested materials)? Oh, don’t worry; I hear it’s an easy habit to kick (like models eating). Bring back the M&Ms, triple-glazed donuts, Coke machines, and ice cream cones to middle schools and high schools, but with a little something… extra. Parents won’t have to worry about forcing gym memberships on their kids, nor will they ever have to bring sweets home- the schools will only serve speed-laced candies. They’ll be skinny before you know it, and the obesity rate will be as high as Kate Moss’s body fat percentage (-50%).
Hey! I told you to drop that donut, kid! It’s mine- I already licked it!

[Lola.]