a poem.

This is dedicated to soon-to-be-former President Bush.

In 2000 you were a reformer with change
The American majority wanted a beer with you, and for a Texan, that isn’t so strange
Soon you became a misunderestimated guy
But you really gave them terrorists a reason to cry
In ’04 we let you back in ‘cuz Kerry wasn’t much hotter
But you were late for Katrina out of your fear of water
So the war made your approval rating sink into the depths of the sea
But it’s still higher than Nixon’s or Truman’s could be
I know this must be awkward because I voted for Obama
But don’t worry, W, I never voted for Osama
Even though you believed that Saddam Hussein had an addiction of WMD’s
I beg you sir, pull an FDR, please
Find just one more way to piss on the Constitution so you can stay 8 more years
‘Cuz that 28% is gonna miss you-- oh look, theatrical tears.

[Lola.]

experimenting with sarah palin.

That title sounded dirty... But it did catch your attention.
Comedian Andy Zaltzman said yesterday, in this week's podcast of the Bugle, that listening to Sarah Palin speak was like hearing the sounds of the construction of something going on in your own house. Unfortunately, I whole-heartedly agree with that genius statement. I find myself unable to watch her being interviewed because it has become too painful- in the smacking my head against the table sort of pain. The way that she says, "I dunno" and "I'll get back to ya" in that almost-Canadian accent for every question asked makes me clench my teeth. And the fact that Sarah Palin just doesn't really know what's going on around her does not help the situation (or Mr. McCain's campaign).
So I decided to do a bit of an experiment. I attempted to watch an interview with Sarah Palin on mute, while still having Closed Captioning on. But I soon realised that watching her nearly-foreign slang being typed out for deaf people (and scientists such as myself) still made me run for that extra-strength Excedrin bottle that I keep near me at all times for emergencies such as this. However, I still had hope in my seemingly-bleak efforts to make watching Sarah Palin's interviews possible. I took off Closed Captioning and came up with what I thought the questions and answers could be through the ancient art of lip-reading. She suddenly began to seem much more brilliant and no longer spoke with a ridiculous accent.
Success!

[Lola.]

best friends bail each other out.

You know how all of the major stocks in the country went bankrupt and lost all of our money starting a few weeks ago? If that sentence was news to you, this must be an awkward situation… So, surprise! Chances are, anything you put your investments in no longer has said investments. And that also increases the probability that you have no money left. Congratulations- or, as the Jews say, “Mazel tov!” (We’re going cross-cultural here.) But don’t fear, because the $700 billion bailout plan for the market that everybody was flip-flopping on finally got passed. At first, it all seemed grim, because regardless of Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s attempts to convince the House to pass the bill- including blaming still-President-for-two-more-grueling-months Bush for the economic failures, and telling Wall Street that “the party is over”- it failed. Yesterday, however, the good people in the House of Representatives did something so unprecedented, so unexpected, so… let’s face it, it’s pretty bitchin’- they passed the bill. The House passed something. So it also took a $150 billion tax-cut incentive, but that doesn’t matter. No middle class workers are going to complain about losing more money. They’re saving the American economy, which means, that in some small, yet significant way, they are also saving the world (suck it, Heroes!).
… Hey, wait, I’m middle class. Oh dammit.

[Lola.]

let the polling season begin!

There was a poll taken recently- how surprising!- about which Candidate parents would rather have teach their children. Of course, Mr. Obama was the winner. I would much rather have a teacher full of charisma, hope, and possible terrorism than one who would fall asleep during reading time and tell the class that the fundamentals of their education are strong when nobody gets a passing grade. On the first day of class, Mr. Obama would probably have the children write down what kind of change they believe in to get to know his students better. Mr. McCain… well, he’d be taking a nap. A supporter of Mr. Obama said that he could see him as a better teacher because “Obama has a little more of an open mind, maybe because he's a black man.” … Assuming all black men are more open-minded? However, there are still Mr. McCain supporters, who claim that he would be a great teacher because he “bounced back from his captivity during the Vietnam War.” He has chairs in seven houses now. I didn’t have a chair once at a birthday party, but nobody heard me complaining about it. It’s a chair. Mr. McCain could’ve sat on the floor; he didn’t have to stand the entire five and a half years.
Another poll suggested that people would also rather watch a football game (that’s “football” in the real sense of the word, not the one said with a funny accent) with Mr. Obama. Remember what happened the last time we picked a President we’d like to have a beer with? Polling people need to be a little more careful and maybe have a warning label on the front- “When voting in the real world, make sure you vote for the Candidate you would like to run your country, not one you would play beer pong with.”
Who the hell comes up with these polls anyway? They need to be slapped, and not in a good way.

[Lola.]

she is on a long leash.

Sarah Palin has been campaigning by herself for the last few days, and I hope Mr. McCain knows what he’s getting himself into, letting a woman do things on her own like that. Doing what she does best (making Baked Alaskas?), the lovely lady did a little Obama-bashing, as it’s called by Republicans (yes, I made that up). She said that Mr. Obama will “raise income taxes and raise payroll taxes and raise investment income taxes and raise business taxes and raise the death tax.” Wow, I didn’t even know we had that many taxes and didn’t need to use commas anymore. Everything I learned about grammar in sixth grade has just been flushed down the proverbial toilet because of one sentence… Mrs. Palin claims that she and Mr. McCain would do things differently, because that’s not how you’re supposed to “grow the economy.” (She must know a lot about economy-growing because she can see Russia from her house.) Also, people need to leave her alone about the Bridge to Nowhere issue, because it’s impossible to have a bridge that leads to nowhere. Unless, of course, Nowhere is the name of a town, but that would be silly. Besides, if she doesn’t mention the fact that she wanted a bridge that led to nowhere before turning down the offer, that must mean she didn’t really want it in the first place. If she doesn’t want to talk about it, it’s her little secret. And the media’s. And Alaska’s. … And everyone else who knows about it.
Oh, I like my logic too.

[Lola.]

seven things to watch.

Some dude on Yahoo News said that we need to watch seven things as the Presidential Race kicks off (like a horse race, but not). He mentions the housing market, something about Mr. Obama being in pain- I have a band-aid, Palin is at a peak of some kind, Mr. Biden is cursed (that’s what you get for stealing from King Tut’s tomb), and Mr. McCain’s eruption (…).
I’m bored already. Here are seven things that I believe we should be watching during the next two months:

1. Heroes season three. Villains! If you didn’t think the show could get any better, the fact that it’s all about evil and explosions and stuff will make the bad-assity levels insurmountable.
2. America’s Next Top Model season eleven. Is it season eleven? Or fourteen? It may have even surpassed the amount of Land Before Times. But there’s a tranny in it this season.
3. My hair color. It changes every six weeks, so keep an eye on it.
4. The Presidential candidates’ debates. I hope someone asks what Mr. Obama’s favorite color is. I am dying to know.
5. The housing prices. Only if there’s nothing better on TV.
6. That commercial with Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates walking in the parking lot and Seinfeld is eating a churro. Bill Gates shakes his booty at the end.
7. The prices of girly drinks. If they keep going up in price, I will refuse to turn twenty-one next July thirteenth (I’m telling you so you’ll buy me presents, by the way).

[Lola.]

tut tut, it smells like an invasion!

The Olympics have been over for, what, two weeks? And now there’s something in the news about Russia vs. Georgia (that makes it sound like professional wrestlers). Like the sharing, kind-hearted, eager-to-help nation we are, the government is sending out a great man who will spread hope and support poor Georgia, and now Ukraine, against their conflict with Russia. No, that man is not Barack Obama. Not yet. It is Dick Cheney, who is known for his warmth and… oh, fuck it. Sending Dick Cheney into a war zone is just begging for trouble. Georgia is asking to be shot in the face. With our luck, our still-President Bush and his cohorts will somehow come up with a reason as to why we need to protect and stabilize Georgia and Ukraine’s borders ourselves.
Actually, here are the President's three reasons why we should go in ourselves:
1. Nobody can find countries on a map. Therefore, we can invade anywhere in the world- especially Mexico- and for all the rest of the country knows, we’re in a district in Baghdad.
2. They don’t have Wal-Marts. Actually, I don’t know if they do. But if they don’t have a Wal-Mart over in Georgia, they need one. And even if there is already one, it needs to be bigger. Yeah.
3. Everybody in that Russia-area have the same names. They’re all “Stravinsky” and “Smirnov” and “Ivanov” and stuff. I have no idea how to pronounce them either. Russians and Georgians need normaler names, like “Jones” and “Smith”. Now those are good, patriotic last names.
4. Oh, and, uh, they're still Communist.
Case closed. Good luck to whoever has to get us out of this one in January.

[Lola.]