Mr. McCain is unhappy because he just can’t seem to get through to young voters, unlike the other Candidates. He’s trying to talk to young environmentalists (age requirement: can’t order from the senior menu at IHOP) about his sudden ability to want to go green. Mr. McCain recently spoke at a wind turbine producer in Oregon (want to bet that we’ll find a way to run out of wind too?) to discuss what he wants to do about Global Warming (bottle it for when his feet get cold in the winter). The youngsters seemed to warm up (pun intended) to the idea of Mr. McCain breaking away from the usual ideas of the Republicans, but they still won’t go for him because they claim that his ideas fall short.
All that aside, do you know what the real problem is, sir? You’re old. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s true. Age matters. There are three things that young people don’t trust: old people, cops, and baby carrots (they’re pure evil). Lots of young people trust Mr. Obama (even if he’s secretly part of the Al-Qaeda Chess Club) and Hillary (all campaign donations go towards her plastic surgery) because they’re young and fresh. At least, they’re less wrinkled than you. And their skin is less droopy. And they can eat food with sugar. I could through a whole list of reasons why you look older than them, but I’ll just tell you the solutions.
Solution #1: Build a time machine, go back about three-hundred years, and bring your fifty-year-old self back to the future (part two was my favourite in that trilogy) and have him run for President.
Solution #2: Olay Regenerist. It helps reduce fine lines and wrinkles, while improving the skins elasticity in fourteen days. Guaranteed. You might need about ten bottles of this stuff, but trust me, it’ll work.
Solution #3: Kill off anyone else who could possibly beat you in the Election. Then it won’t matter what the young people think- you’ll be the only choice.
You’re welcome.
[Lola.]
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Lol. I bet Mccain was around to feel the first gust of wind. He wants to be the newschool cool hip guys with the youngins eh? Fail. I hear there is a new Mummy movie coming out, he would work well in that movie as a cameo! Baby carrots eh? You'll have to watch my back on that one! Would a younger Mccain rly do us any better? Perhaps. Perhaps He could tell longer stories about the splitting of Pangea before falling asleep? Process of elimination ahh the American way..
-Chasen
Post a Comment