we have a newcomer in our chicken game!

Okay, everyone, I have a new African-American friend that I’d like you to meet. His name is Alan Keyes, and he is now running for President. He’s charming, witty, and that old guy… um, Reagan, likes him, so I trust that Mr. Keyes will get along just fine with our other little candidate friends. Let’s see… Mr. Keyes is from the Constitution Party. I’ve never heard of that one before. I wonder if Wikipedia’s heard of it? … Ah, yes, here’s something. Okay, so it’s conservative, and… oh wow, it’s the third biggest party in our country. Then why wasn’t it one of my choices when I had to pick a party? Huh, that’s strange. According to Wikipedia, which has never failed me in guiding me towards higher knowledge, “the Constitution Party advocates a Bible-based platform which it claims to reflect original intent of the U.S Constitution and the principles of the U.S. Declaration of Independence.” Perfect, so I see a crystal-clear separation of Church and State. Awesome. So far, so good.
Platforms… where are the platforms…? Alright, so this Constitution Party believes that the government’s spending for welfare, education, and health care is unconstitutional, and that the current income tax policy should be replaced with “a tariff-based revenue system supplemented by excise taxes.” Oh god, what does that mean? No wonder I couldn’t choose them when I registered to vote, they use big words that only fourth and eighth graders would understand. They also want to ditch the Department of Education and the Department of Health and Human Services, but my question is, what will those employees do if their jobs are taken away? Are said jobs being outsourced to India? Without those important Departments, are we going to get dumb and catch a cold? Third parties never quite win (except for you, Mr. Nader, I still believe in you!), but just in case, I think I’ll start taking Vitamin C. What I’m reading basically tells me “fuck foreign aid, fuck the World Bank, fuck subsidies…” blah blah blah. Wow, these guys are kind of assholish. They want stricter legal immigration laws and they’d rather kick illegals’ asses out of the country than grant them amnesty. Bad news for you dirty movie-watchers, though, because these guys believe that porn is a crime. I always thought that the internet was made for porn to be more readily available to the public, but if the Constitution Party had its way, being caught with porn would be a criminal offense. What are 40-year-old virgin gamers living in their moms’ basements going to do? They’ll have to play even more World of Warcraft and Dungeons and Dragons than humanly possible to make up for the twenty-hour gap in their day. And finally, does anybody recall the Civil War? I doubt anyone other than Mr. Nader (hah! I totally dodged a McCain age-joke bullet) would have a first-hand account, but I’m pretty sure it began because of the southern states’ secession from the Union. And what is the Constitution Party’s policy on secession? Any state can secede at any time, and it’s not a problem at all.
So, as I was saying, Mr. Keyes is a nice little boy with good manners and great morals, so let’s all treat him kindly. His friends could kick the shit out of us and get our asses deported in a heartbeat.

[Lola.]