I just found out how old Mr. McCain really is. The man’s only seventy-two. I could’ve sworn he was, like, nearing one hundred-ish, seeing as he looks like he’s about to croak. Seventy-two! Mr. McCain sure is a young’un! Wow, I feel a little guilty now, more guilty than when I found out that Bono is only forty-two (I pegged him as sixty-four). I’m so sorry, Mr. McCain. If I ever meet you, I’ll buy you a diabetic cheesecake to make up for this little misunderstanding (assuming that all old people can’t have sugar). Don’t worry! You’re still ripe and fresh, like a side order of bacon at Denny’s!
Anyway, I was reading up on what Yahoo! calls “Campaign ‘08”, as I am one to do, and I came across something so… so profound, so innovative, something I’d never think of myself. “McCain… would be the oldest first-term U.S. president. Clinton would be the first female president; Obama would be the first black president and one of the youngest.” (from What will happen to losers of White House race? by Thomas Ferraro)
Oh my god, who would’ve known? Certainly only those horrible people who looked up our little buddies’ passport files! I’m still mad at you guys. You don’t do shit like that. It’s just rude. Sorry, I’m so offensible* sometimes. But, damn, Mr. McCain would be the oldest President in first-term history? Come on, I just told you he’s not that old. Seventy-two’s a great age for taking Viagra. And Mrs. Clinton, the first female President? Are you sure we haven’t had any before? … Jane tells me that she’s positive that all the others have been men, so I guess I have to believe her. Or, if you want the technical, politically correct term, "WASP". I usually call them old white dudes. And… wait. Wait a minute. … Mr. Obama’s black? Wow, thank god for Yahoo! news. I don’t know what I’d do without it, especially when the kids over at the Daily Show take a week off.
Mr. Ferraro says that whoever loses has to show some grace. Let me tell you, Mr. Ferraro, there is no such thing as losing. It hurts people’s incredibly sensitive feelings when you call them “losers” nowadays (except for Mrs. Clinton because she isn’t programmed to feel human emotions). They’re not “losers” if they don’t win the election. They’re “not quite winners”. So, Mr. John Kerry (how are you? I haven’t heard about you in years), Mr. Al Gore (congratulations on the Nobel Prize for global warming!), Mr. George McGovern (who are you?), and everyone else who’s ever lost an election, it’s okay; you’re just not quite winners :).
[Lola.]
*meaning: able to be offended easily.
synonym: easily offended.
antonym: not easily offended.
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I love your witty sense of humor! Your going places girl! I have read your blogs thoroughly and I find myself either nodding or snickering at how you worded your blogs to come out so hilarious. These types of blogs are what people would prefer to read, or watch on the Daily Show. With shorts spurts of news and humor like these, you have hit the target audience dead on!
-Chasen
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