alert! alert!

There is a breach in the State Department! Oh my god… Oh my god!!
How the hell did something so catastrophic happen in our wonderful, incredibly rich, good-looking, currently single, powerful country?! I’m so frightened. I don’t know what to do. Is it appropriate to build a bomb shelter? I’m so nervous; I’m not quite sure how to put this gently…
The State Department gets a good number of their employees from two companies, Stanley Inc. and The Analysis Corp., but for the sake of anonymity, we’ll call them “Harvey” and “George”. Stan--- I mean, “Harvey” and “George”- have recently fired several employees for unauthorizationally (I’m copywriting that word) tapping into our favourite little candidates’ passport files. The--- “George”- caught someone taking a peek at Mr. Obama’s files- three times, mind you. … Oh, screw secret identities, no companies would be named something as ridiculous as “Harvey” and “George”. It’s not like our government keeps secrets, so why should I? The employees at Stanley Inc. and The Analysis Corp. checked out all three candidates’ files, but as I mentioned before, they looked at Mr. Obama’s two times more than Mrs. Clinton’s and Mr. McCain’s. How many glances does that make? Anybody? Fourth and eighth graders, I know you know the answer! Yes, just once for Mrs. Clinton and Mr. McCain, and three for Obama. Why? Because he’s possibly a terrorist. These files contain such important, super-secret information, that if it got into the hands of the enemy, it’d be dangerous unless we forget that waterboarding is out of the picture. Said information includes name, citizenship, age, birth date, and country of origin (Not Made in China). That type of stuff is not safe for the public to know.
What have we come to in this country? I mean, it was very polite of Condoleezza Rice to apologize. But is it enough that she will “stay on top of it, and get to the bottom of it”? (What an oxymoron.)
The answer: no.

[Lola.]