ring ring, ring ring, ring ring.

“Hello? … No, this is not Domino’s. … … … No, no, sir, no. We do not do any special $5 pizza deals here. … Sir, no. Sir, please. … This is the White House! Why are you calling the White House telephone at 3:00 in the goddamn morning?! … Sir, I assure you, everything’s fine. … … … … No, I have no clue what pizza place would be delivering at 3:00 in the morning. … What? … No! … No, this is the White House emergency line. Goddammit!!”

We all remember Mrs. Clinton’s 3AM phone call commercial. I mean, come on, who could forget it, especially after she said that Mr. Obama, our cuddly little African American friend, “would just let the phone ring and ring”? But if you remember as correctly as I do, it took her six rings to answer the phone. Six rings. If it was really an emergency, someone would’ve been killed by then. I learned in retail that it’s best to let it ring twice, so that you can casually pick up the phone without seeming desperate for a sale, or too laid back. You see, if she were to answer the phone on the first ring, it’d seem like she was waiting for an emergency, or even anticipated one, which would stir controversy. But the sixth ring… seriously, how long does it take to roll out of bed and pick up the phone? I’m pretty sure it’s probably right next to the President’s bed. I’m also pretty sure, seeing as Mr. Obama is a cool guy, that he’d answer on the preferable second ring to start a chillaxed conversation/negotiation for someone’s life.
Now, I’ve heard that there’s a sort of economic “crisis” going on in our country. Well, the word “crisis” is far too scary to use, so maybe we should call it an “issue” to ease the tension. As assholish (I’m copywriting that word) as it may sound, this little economic issue couldn’t have come at a better time. What a great way for our candidates to lie about what they’re going to do for us! Mr. Obama is “planning” on “urging” the government to watch the financial market better and giving it a $30 billion stimulus package (that sounds dirty), Mrs. Clinton “proposed” $2.5 billion retraining program for jobs, and loveable Mr. McCain isn't planning on doing shit. At least the old man’s honest (again, I apologize for thinking you were practically a corpse, sir! Just let me know what kind of sugar-free cheesecake you want!). Everyone’s been getting on the old man’s case about not wanting the government involved in helping out with our issue, but give him some slack. If that man becomes our next President, we do not want to piss him off. The government gave us freedom, and it can take freedom away and give it to someone else. Like, the more appreciative people in Iraq/Iran/wherever else our beloved President Bush decides to spread democracy within his last year (remember him? Yeah, he's still running our country). Hey, I’d rather have someone tell me that they don’t feel like doing a thing than being promised tons of money and job training that I know I’ll never really receive.
…Unless the other side is willing to bribe me… I accept checks, credit cards, cash, and Starbucks cards.
Oh, and by the way, watch out, Mormons! Mr. McCain is using Mr. Romney to get to you! … You’re welcome.

[Lola.]