american history in a nutshell.

Good morning, students! Welcome to Hell. Here, I’ll be telling you about random historical events from a first-hand point of view. Yes, I was there. Lola was there. After every history class session, I’ll expect you to not only know the material, but to become one with the material; to understand it and breathe it. Maybe eat it with raspberry jam and Earl Grey tea. Not that I’m promoting Britishism (I’m going to copyright that word right now) or anything, but trust me, my little Americans, it’s delicious. Although, I can't say that I love Brits... They created the Spice Girls. ...Without further ado, let’s begin with something exciting!

George Washington’s Farewell Address, 1797. You’re probably wondering why the hell I’m starting here when lots of stuff happened before 1797. Well, to be honest, all you really need to know is that we kicked some posh British ass in the Revolution and then Washington became our first president. We also had a group of early trick-or-treaters party it up in Boston Harbor and throw tea into the ocean, which pissed them Brits off (they do like their tea), and eventually led to the Revolution. Sorry, it was backwards in my mind, so it’s backwards here too. My mind works in weird ways. So anyway, after all that fun and non-tea drinking, the new United States of America were finally recognized as a world nation. In Washington’s Farewell Address, he warned us not to get involved in foreign conflicts (we sure are great with following directions) and to watch out for political parties fucking up our lovely country. To rewind a little bit, during Washington’s second term as President, the British were still pretty pissed off that they lost the war, and they refused to move their pansy, red-coat-wearing asses out of our northwest territory. I mean, really, red uniforms? How did they even have an inkling that we wouldn’t notice them wearing red in a forest. Forest=green. Red=green? No, that is incorrect, sir. Besides the obvious fashion faux-pas, they were also bitching that we hadn’t paid any of our debt from before the Revolution, which was a violation of the Treaty of Paris. So in 1794, Washington hired Chief Justice John Jay (what a unique name) to make yet another treaty, which forced our crooked-toothed ex-brethren to leave our frontier the fuck alone and that our debt/boundary issues would be handled in a friendly, cooperative manner. That sent the French into super freak-out mode and they quivered in their little designer boots. They were a little uncomfortable with us being friends with Britain and sent the devil to our shores- a diplomat by the name of Edmond Charles Genet. That weird little Frenchie went behind Washington’s back and talked our pirates (they were privateers, but pirates sound much more badass) into attacking British ships that were in our territory. Washington told the French government, and I quote, “Put a fucking leash on that man!” and tried to kick his unbathed ass back where he belonged, but Genet ended up becoming a citizen. What was his nickname? Any guesses? “Citizen Genet”.

Well, that’s it for this lecture. I’ll be testing you on this material next session, and if I catch any of you little ones cheating, I swear to god I will paper cut you to death. Alright, kids, study up!
[Lola.]