ten reasons why we should be proud to be american.

1. We are unique. We’re the only country that hasn’t succumbed to using the metric system. I don’t even know what we use, but hey, the important part is that we say “inches” and “pounds”. Fuck kilometers; we don’t need them. Kilometers are for pussies. We’re not pussies, we’re Americans.
2. We can smile in our passport photos. I have dual citizenship, and I hate showing off my German passport. That passport is so ugly that I’d only show it in a life or death situation, and only German passport holders won’t be tortured--- excuse me, “enhanced interrogated”. In that picture, I couldn’t smile, my hair was pulled back, and the flash on that camera made me look even more dead that I thought possible. I reserve my right as an American citizen to take my passport photo at Walgreens with a Polaroid, my hair covering my face and a pretty grin.
3. We have a longer compulsory education. Including pre-school and kindergarten, we have a whole fourteen years for slacking off, crying and bribing our way out of detention. Within those fourteen years, many of us drop out, go to rehab, go to rehab and drop out, or drop out and get a job pushing carts at Smith’s after rehab. The rest of us become skilled in forging absent notes from the Counselor’s Office. I swear this is not a personal story.
4. We have a shorter history to learn. All American history books begin in 1492 when Columbus sailed the ocean blue. European history starts… well, who cares when it starts? And let’s not talk about Chinese history. It’s too much to remember, so screw everything else. American history is where all the good stuff happens. We’re the revolutionaries. We’re the ones who shoved our democratic boot so far up King George’s ass that his crooked British teeth flew out.
5. We win the important battles. So what if we’ve helped fuck up parts of Asia and are currently shoving democracy down throats through turkey basters in the Middle East. Forget about ‘Nam and whatever war went on in M*A*S*H. We won the wars that matter- the American Revolution and two, going on three, World Wars. Without us, all Europeans would be blonde and speaking German.
6. Our 4th and 8th graders can read. Thanks to President Bush with his second best decision, the No Child Left Behind Act, 4th and 8th graders have been receiving high scores on their reading tests. Literacy doesn’t matter for the rest of us. As long as the ten and thirteen-year-olds can read, I’m confident that our society will be safe and they can read everything to us.
7. Our driving age is 16, we can buy tobacco at 18, and drink at 21. We can get our cars totaled in high school, develop lung cancer after graduation, and become alcoholics in college. I’m down with that.
8. Beer Pong. Ah, good old beer pong. It’s what all American college students pay thousands of dollars a semester for. Who else would play a game that involved Bud Light in Dixie cups and ping-pong balls? Drunkenly chucking balls into tiny cups and forcing the other team to drink something vomit-worthy is what being an American is all about.
9. Panda Express. Need I say more?
10. Illegal Immigrants. Lots of white people say they’re a nuisance for taking our jobs, but I’m on the illegals’ side. I mean, honestly, who in their right mind chooses a career in dishwashing, fruit-picking, or cleaning toilets for minimum wage? They do. Those nice, illegal immigrants do. Pedro would gladly wash dishes at Applebee’s for $6, but John wouldn’t even fold shirts for less than $10. Thank you, Pedro, the Chinese-manufactured cutlery is clean enough for me to eat my all-American steak and potatoes.

[Lola.]